tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-97612622024-03-15T08:56:04.671-04:00ManicRobThrillReportage and trains of thought from guitarist/singer/activist Rob Ross (ex-The Punch Line)R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.comBlogger692125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-42842126615084421622024-03-15T08:55:00.002-04:002024-03-15T08:55:22.902-04:00March of times...<p>The countdown is on; the clocks have been set forward an hour and then spring will finally be here in another four days. I can't wait. Having been feeling so good and so different, the change of seasons only brings better, more (inevitably) optimistic feelings. These positive vibes I attribute to the recent purging of parts from my past life.</p><p>It's an interesting thing - when you actually stop and take a long, hard think and reassess/re-evaluate everything; who you are, who you thought you were and who you would like to and should be. If you have a sense of balance, perspective and reason, you wind up thinking clearly, rationally and pointing your own way forward. It's hard to explain, but my best guess is that you know this is that "final chapter" phase - not in a morbid way - and that there are still good things ahead and life can be enjoyed in a different fashion - you just can't keep being who you were.<br /></p><p>Regardless, I do feel pretty good (especially after a 21-pound weight loss - and going for more); as soon as my shoulder starts healing, it's back to the gym and I'm now looking forward to a week away in August (LONG overdue).</p><p>So spring has a lot of happy table settings ahead!</p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-55004900756895928522024-02-13T17:10:00.006-05:002024-02-13T17:12:36.099-05:00Before the seasons change...<p>I decided with the oncoming spring - albeit a little over a month away - a massive purge would be helpful, since I've been lax in doing it with consistency over the last few years. It's not about accumulation, but the proverbial "out with the old; in with the new" and letting go. There isn't clutter (or worse), since I'm neither a pack rat or (God forbid) hoarder - I just want room and to see some of the past physically disappear. <br /><br />In going through my drawers and closets, I made an observation that while I'm very good at maintaining what I have, keeping things longer than a decade when you haven't thought about, seen or done anything with them, isn't a worthwhile proposition. Starting with the most obvious and basic place, it began with my clothes. Two enormous plastic bags filled with items from the early 2000's is the first massive step forward, including getting rid of my too-many-to-count rock t-shirts and jerseys. Shoes, pants and coats that no longer fit, look awkward or age-damaged all went. Regular shirts were replaced by simple classic/elegant/austere/age-appropriate ones and it makes an immediate impact in positive ways.</p><p>Turning 59 last month made me realize that I'm not who I used to be. That isn't bad, frightening, upsetting or the slightest bit negative. I see myself exactly as what I am - a man in the late stage of his life. And I'm comfortable with that; I'm fine being 59. I wouldn't feel right in an old Van Halen concert jersey or wearing old Kickers shoes that I've had since my Atlantic Records days. It has nothing to do with anyone else; this is all about me and what I can no longer see or view myself as. And it makes me very happy. Acceptance is everything. <br /><br />The next thing is to see if I'm ready to start selling off some of my guitars. There are signs that it may be time - I don't play; haven't played and really, haven't had the desire to, either. Again - none of this is negative; it's good. The realization that something you once loved - held sacred - no longer interests you is a very powerful thing. You can use it for positives or you can let it make you sad and wrapped up in a coccoon of the past, which isn't constructive.</p><p>It's great to have been young and had so many varied passions, motivators and inspiration. And I couldn't ask for more. I'm fortunate and grateful to have had all of it. But now, it's time to keep moving forward. I have the memories - I don't need the physical "stuff".</p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-18540024392080143952024-01-10T11:45:00.001-05:002024-01-10T11:45:11.594-05:00Turn the page; turn the corner...<p>I thought I'd wait a few days after my birthday to post. Turning 59 sounds and feels a little surreal, honestly. I've been doing this blog since I was 39 and THAT was an oddity! But now, I do feel the pangs of time and age creeping up with me. And yes, I am well aware that it's reality. It doesn't make it any better or easier. </p><p>The world itself is simply on a one-way runaway crash course with itself. I have little-to-no time or desire to speak with people, save for what I need to do as far as work goes; my friendships no longer have any great meaningfulness, I'm sorry to say. I don't trust most people and "friends" have proven themselves to be the least trustworthy or deserving of time and effort. Not being a fatalist or negative - I just see everyone and everything as they are now, I don't want to spend an afternoon "reminiscing" or talking about nonsense. It's just unnecessary and wasteful.<br /><br />By turning 59, I'm lightening the load. I don't need excess or abundant anything in my life - not people; not items - nothing. I'm working/focusing more on contentment and peace. It's good for the mind and body. </p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-27962875253479232812023-12-24T23:14:00.002-05:002023-12-24T23:14:22.005-05:00Christmas miracle...<p> I'm usually not taken by the concept of "Christmas spirit", although I have been fortunate enough to experience the feeling on several occasions in my life.<br /><br />Losing Roxy tore me apart; I don't know if I will ever get over the heartbreak of her passing because she was indescribably special to me. I loved that little girl more than life itself. And the emptiness; the void remains.<br /><br />But sometimes, the kinder side of fate intervenes. We met a beautiful and sweet little 3-month old girl through the cat rescue we've worked with and adopted from over the years. This precious kitten has had a difficult start to her life and we knew immediately she was meant to be ours. We brought her home yesterday; we named her Clover. And within 24 hours, she's begun to bond with us and settle in to her new surroundings - filled with warmth, food, toys and an abundance of love.</p><p>When you lose a "pet", which is a word I don't like, since I view them as family members, it's a pain that doesn't go away. I've loved every cat I've ever had and each time one goes, part of me dies as well. When we lost Midnight ten years ago, we immediately met Roxy and she helped the healing process. Clover is doing the same in the wake of Roxy's death.</p><p>The best way to honor the memory of a precious, loved family member is to give another deserving little being a chance to have a happy life of security, a home and love.</p><p>And as an aside, it's now 19 years since my first entry into this blog. Who would have thought?<br /><br />Merry Christmas to all.<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-68162041284690779022023-12-07T18:58:00.002-05:002023-12-07T18:58:44.268-05:00The indescribableI'd been bracing for impact for about a month. From the day we took Roxy to the vet and were told that she needed dental work and had an infection. The words "she looks like she has a mass under her tongue" set me up for the ultimate in pain and heartbreak.<div><br /></div><div>Last Tuesday night, I had to say goodbye to the one little creature I loved more than anything in this world. My beautiful, perfect, hilarious, precious, sweet baby Roxy. I hoped for at least five more years. 11 is too young to lose a cat. </div><div> </div><div>The cruel irony is today would have been ten full years with her. </div><div> </div><div>I didn't get it.</div><div><br />And I miss her more than words could ever convey. <br /></div>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-20765081663654818472023-11-15T11:56:00.005-05:002023-11-15T11:56:55.563-05:00Simplicity<p>It's a beautiful, crisp day - a week before my favorite holiday - Thanksgiving.<br /><br />The world is going to hell, faster than I could have ever imagined; not even in my worst nightmares. My beloved cat has had recent health issues, so that's pushed a cold reality on to me and yet, I seem to feel alright. <br /><br />I think it's partly due to the chronic absurdity in the outside/real world, I've returned - or retreated, depending on your point of view - to re-embracing the concept of enjoying what you've got and not worrying about the things you don't have - and most likely, don't need. There are less things to worry about; non-essentials easily fall by the wayside and, subsequently, there's no reason to give them any extra thought or energy.<br /></p><p>I also started a new, full-time job last week. I've been transitioning out from the part-time position I've had since July. A very nice office and a wonderful owner/principal, but two days a week is not sustainable for paying rent and bills. Fortunately, the people I've joined are very kind and instantly embracing; I'm very appreciative of their warmth and willingness to work with me so I can start to shape up this position (which has been newly created and will informed and driven by me).</p><p>With everything that's wrong, I will gladly accept what is right.</p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-42002692902513730702023-11-03T10:07:00.000-04:002023-11-03T10:07:51.177-04:00Elevated observations ad infinitum<p>A lot has been on my mind recently - more than usual. And at times, I feel it's better to remain quiet than to speak for fear it won't come out coherently. So I'm going to try and get my thoughts out here, since it's sometimes easier to parse out what I want to say by writing it.</p><p>We are in the most bizarre and dangerous times that I can remember. Social media was supposed to be a positive and helpful "tool" - a new way to communicate and share; to connect and re-connect. To make the world smaller. Instead, it's the worst virus to infect human beings over an elongated period. Especially since the start of the Presidential election cycle in 2015. It opened the floodgates to misinformation, division and sowing the seeds of deep-rooted enmity. That election fractured friendships, relationships, families - you name it. Battlelines were drawn and trenches were dug. <br /><br />Then came the pandemic. Wash - rinse - repeat. It made things worse because now people were experts in science, medicine and biochemistry, instead of the American political system and people were actually dying. Greater war zones were created for the "vaccinated" vs. the "unvaccinated", who were treated like lepers, made into pariahs and worse, lost their livelihoods. Paranoia burned through everyone like wildfire. And again, relationships suffered - I know, because several long-term, long-time, real world relationships I held dear were suddenly gone, without a word, a reason or explanation. Just radio silence. Which was a very tough blow to accept and move on from. But I did.</p><p>Now, all of a sudden, I see a very different, darker division. When people you once loved and cared about are supporting terrorist groups, you cannot simply digest it and say "well, I'm glad they're not in my life anymore". You do, but you also have to be solid enough to say "your support of terrorism and anti-Semitism makes you a hypocrite, a liar and you are now dead to me." It's that simple. When you post a message of support for those "poor people", you negate that they support the ones who began the war. They teach their children to hate; to kill; to believe and preach that Jewish people are evil and must die. Those "poor people" aren't to be pitied. You didn't say anything about the people who were slaughtered at the beginning during a music festival by an invasion. You didn't say anything about the children, women and elderly who were mercilessly butchered, burned and beheaded by these subhuman savages. But the "poor people" who may become casualties... no, it doesn't fly anymore. When you say to me, "oh, but of course you support Israel; you're Jewish"... talk about knocking me over with a feather. Unexpected. And a sign that underneath it all is a mixture of arrogance and anti-Semitism. And I don't care how many years we have behind us; how many laughs, secrets or tears - we're done. You showed yourself.</p><p>I'm not angry - I see it. Clearly. I have perspective on it and I've now digested it so I am able to continue forward with even less baggage now. But the reality is this: I believe in the wisdom of self-preservation. You go ahead and keep marching in the fashion of the moment. You won't be missed by me.<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-21868019517331286902023-10-02T22:29:00.005-04:002023-10-02T22:29:42.728-04:0025<p>There's nothing cryptic or mysterious as to why this entry is called "25". It was on this day, 25 years ago, that Liz and I got married. 10 a.m. on a magnificent Friday morning. The ceremony, which was held down the street at Borough Hall, took six minutes, after which we, along with my cousin and her then-boyfriend (now husband of 21 years) and Liz' best friend, went out for a celebratory breakfast.</p><p>It's been an interesting quarter-century; our marriage has had its ups-and-downs; it nearly ended, but time, patience and a lot of rational patience, we're still here. It isn't often that you even hear of marriages lasting this long - not anymore - but I'm proud to know that we've made it this far, thus far.</p><p>So here's to (hopefully) another 25. And more importantly, here's to my bride. With love.<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-60151141031943637152023-09-07T13:13:00.003-04:002023-09-07T13:13:33.507-04:00September song redux<p>At least, last month ended with some good, albeit minor, medical news. An ongoing skin issue I've had since last year's stay in the hospital was finally diagnosed, been treated and is almost completely healed. Little things like that mean a great deal now. </p><p>I took my latest blood test last Wednesday, in anticipation for tomorrow's doctor's check-up - my regular physician. I'm hoping my cholesterol and glucose are at the same level it was last time, if not lower; I hope my weight has gone down to an even-better number (I don't like getting on the scale because of the almost-daily inaccuracy).</p><p>All of which is to say that I do feel alright, by and large. I don't have to see my urologist until January, so that does make me feel good. I'm hitting the gym again on the days that I don't work, so that's a huge benefit; taking my vitamin supplements again and trying to focus on healthier living. Sounds silly, but at 58, you have to stay on top of it all.</p><p>I know there are "real world" stresses, and I try my best not to let myself get sucked in the vortex of negativity. I'm still only working part time, which isn't an ideal scenario, but I've been here before and I can only be patient and diligent and keep looking and listening and trying. Yes, it gets harder but you have to keep on pushing. I've been looking into part-time or long-term temp gigs; anything and everything is open, rather than limiting myself to one set path.</p><p>The only way to get from point A to point B to point C and so on is to do it with patience and thought. So on I continue.<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-38816895997895757412023-08-14T13:45:00.003-04:002023-08-14T13:45:42.588-04:00Old friends and new avenues<p>A joyful and unexpected series of reconnections happened in the last week, which gave me pause to think - and smile.<br /><br />As minute as it may sound, I was running for the ferry last Tuesday night as the doors were about to close, when I heard "Rob, Rob!" being shouted. I turned and it was my best friend from freshman year of high school, Chuck. I ran over to him, we hugged and promised to see each other soon and I got on the ferry. He helped get me through the 9th grade - when I had gotten my guitar and was the first friend to really encourage me. We had deep-dived into The Who, Yardbirds and Kinks catalogs at that time and we had been in touch, on and off, over the decades. The last time I saw him, we had met at a nearby Starbucks for coffee ten years ago. But it made me think and appreciate - after 44 years, we can pick up a conversation, as if it were yesterday.</p><p>Then, this past Saturday, I spent the day with a former co-worker from the Direct Revenue-era. She's been going through a difficult period - serious health issues, loss of friends and family and divorce. We'd planned to get together a year ago, but then I went through my whole health nightmare. It had been over a decade since we'd seen one another and we had a wonderful time - some serious talk; a lot of laughs and a great deal of warmth. A day that I can savor and appreciate.</p><p>I've had a number of interviews as well - some of them have gone through the paces of 3 or 4 call-backs, but at this point, they've all passed on hiring me. Which I accept simply as for the best. I do like where i am now; the principle of the studio I work for is a reasonable and likable person; if there were more days involved, I'd be less inclined to keep looking with such ferocity.</p><p>And I'm starting to get back into the gym again, after being sidelined by a very-stupidly-caused shoulder injury for the last few weeks. I have less than a month until I see the doctor again and I want the news to remain positive; my blood tests to be good and my health to be on an even keel.<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-5696917330155112612023-07-17T18:30:00.006-04:002023-07-19T07:52:34.586-04:00See a little more light...<p>So there are good things to be shared - my last doctor's visit resulted in my cholesterol and glucose having gone down 100 points to a healthy range. Now my prostate PSA level has decreased from 23 to 17 (or from 4+ to 2.8). THIS is a major positive step and welcomed like you wouldn't believe. My urologist says I don't have to see him now until January, which is great news. I intend to continue doing what I've been doing - and I know I'm repeating what I said in my last post, but it's pretty important to have that checklist in detail to keep on the healthier path:</p><p>- eliminating carbs save for my two morning slices of multi-grain toast<br />- no pizza, pasta or cheese<br />- no red meat or pork<br />- no sweets<br />- look at cholesterol levels on food packages; opt for 0% cholesterol and fat-free<br />- continue taking my daily regimen of vitamin supplements, including (and most importantly) saw palmetto<br />- continue to drink unsweetened iced green tea<br />- continue drinking cranberry juice<br />- more water<br />- every other day liquid diet; just fruit and ice smoothies (occasion protein or immune-booster added)<br />- take my medication (for my prostate - after the last refill, no more cholesterol prescription)<br />- exercise; the gym proves itself to be THE saving grace on all levels<br />- ample sleep<br /></p><p>Working two days a week in a very quiet, sedate office is also a great change, especially after the last few experiences. <br /><br />All in all, this last month has been the turning of a corner, where I see new and good things ahead. And, as always, it has to be one step at a time.<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-13718674054736359092023-06-28T16:58:00.002-04:002023-06-28T16:58:59.265-04:00Summer's warm greeting...<p>It hasn't happened all that much, recently, but I have good, positive news to document - wholly unexpected. And I am very thankful for it.</p><p>I had my doctor's follow-up exam last Friday. During my May visit, he told me my cholesterol, glucose and other blood levels were dangerously high. He gave me a very mild prescription for Crestor, to help control the cholesterol and said "exercise, cut down the carbs and watch what you eat and it should help. If you're able to bring down some weight, that will also help."</p><p>Two weeks ago, I took a blood test in preparation for the doctor's visit. When I saw him, he told/showed me the results from the lab. All the danger levels went down 100 points - to a degree of "normal"/"healthy". And while I've only taken off four pounds, I have been going to the gym again with regularity - which, naturally, helps not only my body, but my mind and my emotional state. He told me to keep doing what I've been doing and he would see me in September (I have a blood test scheduled for this Saturday for my prostate PSA level and the next urologist visit is Friday, July 7th).<br /><br />All of which is to say that I do feel happier that this kind of change has occurred. The reality has been this:<br />- cut down the carbs to only two pieces of multi-grain toast for my morning breakfast<br />- working out at the gym<br />- no pasta, pizza or cheese<br />- no sweets<br />- almost every other day is a smoothie-only day; fresh fruits and ice - no other additions<br />- a lot more water<br />- regimented bed time again<br /></p><p>It hasn't been hard. And I feel alright. It also helps prepare me when I start the new part-time job next week. I know this is going to be temporary, but like everything else, it's a positive step forward. And I don't see any reason to change or alter my diet now, with these first successes. Only to maintain/continue forward and be even healthier.<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-11841194791421803322023-06-06T10:26:00.002-04:002023-06-06T10:26:58.325-04:00New clearer days<p>In a few weeks, I'll be starting a new, part-time job. I think in light of the recent past, this is a good approach, or re-entry, to working. Two days a week at the outset and enough to be able to pay rent and the basic bills. There may be a need, if it's busy, to increase it to three days, but it's one thing at a time. I'm not going to stop searching for a full-time/salaried position, but this is absolutely a happy medium.</p><p>In this manner, I'm able to go to work; go to the gym on days I'm not in the office; see the doctors when scheduled, as I have to towards the end of the month and be able to schedule interviews, when possible. There are nothing but positives here - I think - and that's what I'm taking away from this.</p><p>The frustrations have not been overwhelming, since I did everything I needed to from the moment I became unemployed and even prior to that. But it is nice to think that I have a way forward that will help lead to something even more substantial, if/when possible.</p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-11432544450551433272023-05-08T15:18:00.002-04:002023-05-08T15:18:29.648-04:00Keeping pace<p>It's almost two months since I left my last job. I've been on countless interviews - averaging 2 to 3 actual interviews a week, unless you want to include the Zoom and phone conversations as well - then it's a lot more. I send out at least 10 resumes a day. I'm doing all that a reasonable person can do, so it's not for lack of effort. I've been on second and third interviews - and no one has made an offer. But okay. I'd rather wait for something that makes sense versus a desperation job, because then I'll be at square one again - wanting to move on as quickly as I begin. And that's not helpful or positive.</p><p>At the same time, I've been physically feeling off for the last two weeks. My sleep has suddenly been disrupted to me now having insomnia, which I've never had before. I get occasional pains in my chest and headaches that I've never been susceptible to. I began to worry about my blood pressure and fears of either a possible heart attack or stroke.</p><p>I went to the doctor last Friday and was surprised to find my blood pressure is normal and regular. The key is to check my blood for cholesterol, diabetes and any signs of heart disease. I'm starting to diet again because if weight comes down, so does blood pressure and cholesterol. So that's one immediate shift. It could also be anxiety, conscious or otherwise, because at times, it feels like a panic attack that doesn't come on in full. My mind seems unaffected - I've been reading so much more than I have in years; the calm of most days is something I am completely devouring with pleasure, simply because I know it will be over soon enough and I will be back in the daily madness.</p><p>My only wish is to just feel right - which truth be told, I haven't felt since the hospital stay last summer. I know as we get older, things happen. But the erratic manner in which these waves of feeling slightly ill are a little off-putting. I know there are things I have to do to help this happen and I'm doing it. It's like everything else - all I can do.<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-16301958787097095052023-04-01T19:24:00.001-04:002023-04-01T19:24:19.330-04:00Breathing again<p>I knew I needed to step away from everything for the last few weeks - but the good news is that I feel like I'm nearly recovered from the last two months of the most excruciating emotional upheaval. I can't explain why that new job was so difficult but the stress and chronic anxiety is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. It's no hyperbole - if it would have continued, I would have had a heart attack. Simple as that.<br /><br />As things turned out, I was fired on the evening of March 14th - I simply laid my key down; took my bag, got my coat and left. I was not going to engage in any kind of further dialogue with an excessively abusive employer. Once I was outside, I was able to actually breathe without the feeling of dread hanging over me. </p><p>No one ever wants to be fired from a job - and he may prevent me from getting unemployment benefits until I can find something, as he's that vindictive - but I can truly say, in the words of a very dear friend, "no, this is a blessing." I'm not being flippant - it's better this way. I've been going on interviews, sending out resumes and I am doing all the necessary and focused things you do in these situations.</p><p>So I am looking towards the oncoming spring with greater positivity and anticipation - a sign of much better things, including finding a new job that will be a better fit.<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-76135356933047456772023-03-12T17:56:00.003-04:002023-03-12T17:56:10.582-04:00Fighting the good fight<p>I admit - again - I am not in the best frame of mind since I took this job. It's taking a physical, let alone emotional, toll on me.</p><p>These are the simple facts, with no hyperbole or self-pity:</p><p>- the person in the position I was hired for doesn't last a year; constant turnover</p><p>- same applies with general staff. No one - save for three people - have been there longer than a year</p><p>- the director is abusive on countless levels: constant belittling, criticizing, poor communication. Saying something once to a person does not mean they will automatically understand or remember it. </p><p>- I now have constant anxiety which is an uncomfortable and difficult thing to cope with. I don't know if I should see a doctor at this point, but I cannot seem to control it and it's frightening.</p><p>Without being flippant, I would welcome being let go so I can breathe again. I'm doing everything possible to find a new job as quickly as possible and leave under my own volition, but I cannot see this continuing for much longer; it's dragging me down completely.</p><p>I feel so disconnected; I have no joy and I want a reason to laugh and smile; I want to be engaged in conversations with friends and loved ones, but I find it hard to concentrate. It's an unhealthy, disturbing obsession and I'm not sure how to navigate this.<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-86374467428653851962023-02-23T20:07:00.003-05:002023-02-23T20:07:38.892-05:00Sometimes...<p>...you have to admit when you're wrong. And I have to be honest - I was completely wrong about this new job. Considering that I went into it with hope and positive thoughts. This isn't victimization, but I was misled - grossly - about what was expected of me and the necessary knowledge I would be bringing to the position. Most egregiously, I was never given any notion about the violently high turnover rate - for both my position and the general staff. So I'm already in the hunt again. </p><p>It really affected me greatly last week; hit me hard and rattled me so much that I couldn't sleep at all on Friday night. Watched movies until about 2:30 a.m. in desperation of needing to laugh. Which isn't my usual thing, to say the least. But I have tried to shake it off as best as I can and have made it through this week with some semblance of calm and maintaining my sense of rationality and re-focus. Had several phone calls with headhunters and an actual first interview earlier today. </p><p>Given time, patience and the necessary due diligence, I will find something quickly and move on from this unforeseen headache.<br /><br />Onward and upwards!<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-9877311914817142532023-01-31T20:21:00.004-05:002023-03-12T17:56:54.072-04:00As the song says...<p>...I'm going through changes. BUT - for the first time in a while, I can say this may be a very good, positive one. As of the first Monday in February, I begin a new job and I'm looking forward to the opportunity. As one gets older, positions like this do not cpme around often and after several months of speaking, it seems like the interest they had in me was serious enough to merit an offer two days after my 58th birthday. It took no time to consider and say "yes". And while turning in my 3 1/2 weeks' notice turned unnecessarily ugly at the outset, I'm now just a few days from wrapping up my life of the last nearly-two years. I'm fine with it. </p><p>I'm hoping that good things lie ahead. I want to do well; contribute, learn and succeed. I don't have any preconceived notions about what will happen, but I would like them to be of value and positivity.<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-16460381540501027322023-01-02T12:09:00.001-05:002023-01-02T12:09:53.682-05:00Ringing in the new...<p>Funny thing - as I've said on numerous occasions, the passing of another year is an anti-climax as one gets older. I'm going to be 58 in a few days. It still startles me at moments; to look at that number and think I'm of that age. I'm glad to still be here - don't get me wrong - but aging is something I don't think any of us are truly prepared for. <br /><br />I was in bed by 12:15 on New Year's Eve - there's nothing much to celebrate, especially as time goes by and more people depart from our lives - either by the dissolving of a relationship or their death. I'm not trying to be gloomy, but in the last several years, I've had to say goodbye to too many friends, prematurely. It emotionally drains you. And things that once held some relevance no longer have the same meaning. I know that must sound terribly defeatist, but it's not. It's just that things change; time negates a lot and what once mattered doesn't - at least not in the same way.<br /><br />I do hold an optimistic hope that 2023 will be just a little better than 2022 - for me, a little less trying and stressful, with better/improved health.<br /><br />I wish only good things and the best for everyone else.<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-23548762959711530762022-12-26T18:46:00.002-05:002022-12-26T18:47:19.468-05:00Another year on...<p>It only just dawned on me that this blog is now 18 years old, which is pretty amazing, if you think about it. Blogs came and went in the blink of an eye - and not long after I'd begun this one. It seemed by 2008, it was outmoded and "yesterday's news".<br /><br />I know I had a yen for it at the outset and then found myself less participatory over time, but I'm glad it's endured in the sense that it's still a good place for me to jot down some thoughts to see where I'm at. I do cringe at the earliest entries, as they seemed petty and unnecessarily ascerbic, but that was then.<br /><br />I'm glad to be continuing into my 19th year with this and will keep it going, even if it's only a singular monthly post, until Blogger shuts down. Which I'm glad it hasn't.</p><p>Happy holidays to all.<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-66783981752794487642022-12-09T10:06:00.001-05:002022-12-09T10:06:24.521-05:00Winter's boneStill an uneasy/unsettled time. So many uncertainties and discomforts - with my health, my job and the world in general. <br /><br />I'm following all doctors' orders and have been going for tests, taking medication now, etc. and doing what needs to be done in order to prevent the onset of prostate cancer.<div><br /></div><div>My job is in an unhealthy, unstable atmosphere and I cannot, in good conscience, continue to play this game and pretend to be fine about the way people are treated, etc. I'm too old for this and it's just getting harder and harder.</div><div><br /></div><div>The world seems to still be looking for reasons to be angry and finger-pointing; misguided politics and ill-informed spewing of nonsense is now the order of normalcy. It's tiring and draining. <br /><br />I can see from as objective a viewpoint as possible why I'm so disconnected. I'm not angry - just emptied. The pandemic saw so many of my friends and long-time relationships disappear. Not because of me or even them, but because the circumstance turned people inside out. <br /><br />I don't subscribe to the idea of "oh, next year has got to better" - I would prefer to just wait and see, while preparing for the darkness and cold of the oncoming season.</div>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-66197452625304423362022-11-03T11:05:00.001-04:002022-11-03T11:05:48.975-04:00Where do we go from here?Still a strangely transitional time. I don't feel 100% healthy - fighting off a standard head cold, aside, I am somewhat uncomfortable in the aftermath of my prostate issues and hospitalization. I think I need to accept and adjust to the idea that I'm probably not going to be at the standard that I was accustomed to - age, illness and time is not helpful. If I can put my mind in the right frame, I'll be okay. <br /><br />It doesn't help that I'm continuing to deal with an insurance company that is denying my hospitalization, saying that I didn't need it - according to them, sepsis didn't warrant an I.V. and an infectious disease doctor monitoring my white blood cell count... Infuriating as it's frustrating, time consuming and crass beyond words. But I am not giving up; I'm working with a very good, caring advocacy group that deals specifically with this kind of nonsense. Which is a shame, but I'm grateful for their help and input. So we'll see where and how this goes.<br /><br />I'm trying to re-establish a sense of being sociable again, as well. Had friends over to the apartment for the first time since before the pandemic started; had a wonderful day out. Good vibes, pleasurable company and a lot of laughs, which, I realize, I've missed. Making an effort to speak with friends on the phone and solidify relationships of substance. It surprises me how much I've distanced myself from people in general - I only ever seem to speak with 4 or 5 people and they're family.<div><br /></div><div>I'm not sure I even have an answer as to the "how" or "why", but I do know that I really need to improve my approach and re-spread my wings of friendship, companionship and the like. It's not hard to do but it's been difficult to motive myself.<br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></div>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-14827831456080963582022-10-05T20:57:00.003-04:002022-10-05T20:57:31.029-04:00Around and around and around...<p>While I'm still not feeling 100% healthy - some discomforts remain from the infection - I have a new host of headaches to contend with. My health insurance is denying my hospitalization stay - and their findings are transparently incorrect and made-up. The most egregious is their stating that I did not need to be hospitalized for my fever and could have been treated with "observation". When you have sepsis, the only way to be treated is on an I.V. in a hospital. That and them saying "a board certified cardiovascular doctor has seen your records" - this was urology, not a cardiovascular issue. But it's also evident - as I am not alone - that insurance companies are denying claims so that people will tire and not fight them. And they picked the wrong person. I will fight this through their administrative process to the very end and if I exhaust that proper route, I will get a lawyer.</p><p>The sudden change of season - not a gradual transition - has shaken me awake, in a good way. The colder air has allowed me to get better sleep; I'm a bit more aware and I feel more active. Doing things that I had put off or was lackadaisical about getting done is in the rear view mirror, even if it's little tasks and items. It's helped me re-establish a sense of accomplishment and I appreciate it wholly.</p><p>So I have no idea what's next. I do know that now that Mercury Retrograde is over, a shitty period has come to an end. It's time to plan ahead, but not too far.<br /></p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-41517034445072970202022-09-09T17:20:00.003-04:002022-09-09T17:20:56.520-04:00When time and tide have been<p>Even though I'm not a British citizen, I cannot help but feel saddened by the death of Queen Elizabeth yesterday - at the age of 96 and after a 70-year reign. She's always been the Queen and will always be the one monarch who stood as a symbol of stability and tradition (say what you will - I give her my respect for all she did - good, bad or otherwise). I don't know why but it just signifies that the curtain is falling faster now on everything I ever knew, grew up with or loved (for that matter).</p><p>I feel (physically) tweaks and pangs and discomforts with greater regularity than I used to; ones that I discounted or shook off previously, I now am more aware of and wonder if I should bring it up with my doctors. Just the more common usage of the word "doctors" is not comforting but ominous. Even my emotions have been raised to a new degree that they hadn't been before. It could easily be some of the aftermath of being told with certainty that you have cancer and the rollercoaster I've been on. I don't know for sure. <br /><br />The only thing I can say is I still feel very unsettled; I still don't feel 100%, health-wise and I know I have to be patient and let time physically heal me, as what I've experienced was a double trauma and at this age, the recuperation period takes longer.<br /><br />So I will remain vigilant. And cautiously hopeful.</p>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9761262.post-46784751493891053242022-08-22T17:31:00.002-04:002022-08-22T17:31:40.846-04:00Exhale (still life into infinity)I know the last entry was one that I didn't want to have to write, but I needed to see the words in front of me, rather than speaking them. The very painfully real possibility that I might have cancer - especially after winding up in the hospital for 4 days, for the first time in my life.<div><br /></div><div>Fortunately - and with endless thanks to God - the results of the biopsy were all benign. My urologist said "you do not have cancer, so put it out of your mind" - I nearly wept, but I was numb. I was still in discomfort from the biopsy, the infection, the medication and the aftermath of being in the hospital. It took me up until the weekend to finally process that I don't have the feared disease. How often does one get the happy news? I was fully braced for impact, but I am so grateful and relieved. I still don't feel 100% after the biopsy and will remain on antibiotics until this coming Saturday, but I am finally starting to diffuse from this.</div><div><br /></div><div>Life - and how to live it - takes on a whole new meaning. I'm one of the lucky ones and I know it.</div>R L Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944088602575593566noreply@blogger.com0