ManicRobThrill

Everything is new...

2012-01-05T13:15:00.004-05:00

2012 and five days in, I've heard the sad news that one of my favorite haunts (for a lifetime) has suddenly closed. My beloved Golden's Deli on Staten Island shuttered its doors this past Monday--it's a good thing I was there three days before Xmas. God, if that wasn't a shock to read about. I had been contemplating for a while that this may be my last year in Staten Island. I'm beginning to look at the borough of my birth, Brooklyn, as a viable (may be the only) option. And as silly as it sounds, something like this kind of news just reaffirms to me that my island in the sun is now going into complete darkness. That's not an over-exaggeration or hyper-inflated dramatics. Every time I turn around, another business on the Island closes down. In a word, it's deflating. So now the future takes shape in a different way...

The brilliance of the sun belies the bitter cold. On the positive side, I'm still feeling as good as I have in recent memory. Feeling no sense of pressure or obligation, I've resumed musical activities with the same verve as I had. There's a ridiculous amount of material I need to zoom in on and really structure. My gym discipline hasn't wavered and the energy (not just physical) is maintained in every good way. The people in my life are nearer and dearer to me than ever and I am one very lucky individual.

Of course, that does not numb the pain over losing the best matzo ball soup and the pickle/cole slaw bar. Is there no respect for tradition, especially with my peoples?

Next stop, 2012

2011-12-26T22:35:00.003-05:00

The days have been filled with pacing, taking care of and concluding small tasks, getting into physical and mental shape and looking toward a new year that seems to point to a different mindset than the one I've had for some time. To be sure, this oncoming year is already approaching with good feelings, positivity and change for better.

Roll on--everything is new again.

7 years - what luck?

2011-12-14T14:53:00.004-05:00

Certainly, I would have never guessed that at this time seven years ago, I would start a blog and keep doing it (albeit now more sporadically). At that time, The Punch Line had just gotten back together; Liz and I were happily married, I was about to join a gym, quit smoking and get myself in a focused state of being, with an eye on approaching 40. Now, the band is long a memory; Liz and I are separated and I am living alone with our cats--quite comfortably, I will say; I am in very good physical and mental shape as I approach 47 and am writing songs, taking an active interest in life and remain focused on looking at a brighter future as I concentrate soley on finding a new position, as it's time to move on and forward from where I've been for these last three-plus years.

So it's at this end time of year when I usually become a bit more philosophical and reflective and I can say "what have I learned?" And the answer is always the same, except this time with satisfaction and certainty "belief is all".

Happy 7th Anniversary to ManicRobThrill!

As always, a word of thanks

2011-11-23T16:13:00.002-05:00

At my favorite time, even though I am alone this year, I wanted to give a moment's worth of thanks for all that I have--I have a lot. And for all of it, I am blessed and grateful. I have family and friends I love and respect; I have 3 beautiful cats who give me unconditional love and joy; I have a great, new apartment that epitomizes "home"; I have no debts, good health and most of all, peace of mind and spirit.

I don't need to be in a group or worse, uncomfortable in my own home; Thanksgiving is still, to me, a day to pause and reflect. And being alone gives me the opportunity to do just that. And to give thanks.

I have no complaints. When you are completely free, as I am, there is nothing to do but be grateful and whole.

Get up

2011-11-08T21:09:00.004-05:00

Nearly two weeks in the new apartment, which is bright and beautiful, comfortable, warm and home. Such a great feeling; an endless positive vibe. While I have yet to wait for my new sofa to be delivered, everything is right and in its' place. I still have the small task to hang my prints but if that's all that needs addressing, well, that's pretty good.

All that aside, the fact that The Beach Boys' "Smile" was finally released last week and I have not stopped listening to it yet. I'm absorbing all the colors and embracing this as a truly spiritual, musical experience.

At the moment, I can't ask or want for more.

Tick, tick, tick

2011-10-14T16:31:00.005-04:00

Time to begin dismantling a few items and buy packing materials. There's something exciting and positive in moving, as opposed to the long-faced grumbling of "oh, God; I don't want to do this". In my case, NEW is the order of the day, on all fronts--a new beginning; a new and completely renovated apartment; a new outlook--there is not one negative thing in "new". So this move is not a chore, but a reclamation rather than a passing.

Once I have the apartment set up, it's back to work immediately on the newest songs. I've had no choice but to spend most of my time preparing, etc. but once this is completed, I have no excuses to not create and see these songs start to breathe.

But getting back to my original point--it is time for something new. After the somewhat dark moments over the last three years, everything should be painted with new life. New friends, new conversations, new people--fill it all with hope, you know?

Spin/change/reconnect

2011-10-11T17:34:00.003-04:00

I'll keep this brief: with the upcoming move, I am looking toward an exciting end to what had become something of a genuinely taxing year. It's now in my hands and I am, without hesitation, moving forward and if it sounds strange, I do feel good. About me, about the future--there's no point in being mired in the past. It's only there for reference.

One last word...

2011-09-21T16:42:00.003-04:00

After hearing the news that R.E.M. have split up after 31 years and my own marriage is concluding after 13 years, all I want to say in this brief post is "thank you" to the band that really pointed me in the direction I needed to take. From the moment I heard "Chronic Town", parallel to joining Two Minutes Hate, I knew R.E.M. were something special. And their influence, a little TOO obviously, helped shape what was to come in The Punch Line. Anyone and everyone who knows me knows how much that band meant to me.

I loved R.E.M. with my girlfriends; I loved R.E.M. with my wife. And now all of those are just a memory. So, with a great deal of love, some sadness, bittersweetness and respect, I say to R.E.M. thank you very much for helping write a part of my own soundtrack...

Yesterday in the western world

2011-09-14T11:20:00.005-04:00

Surprising that it's been a month since I last wrote anything. But time and changes are coming faster and faster now. An upcoming change of address, so to speak; a shift in domesticity and so forth. Divorce is not easy, but cruelly, sometimes necessary. People come and go in and out of my life and I've learned to accept it. I don't necessarily resign myself to it and frankly, I don't like it, but if my stability and solid sense of footing clashes with someone else's state of chronic flux, then why be there?

I'm not a young man anymore; I'm officially at the end of "middle age" and it's long overdue that I re-evaluate my life and try to find the most positive avenue for whatever time is left. And that isn't wrong or bad; it's just reality, which I find greater comfort in. Especially at this time and age.

When the rain comes

2011-08-14T07:30:00.001-04:00

A morning like this is a perfect time to drink coffee, gather my thoughts and write. The problem is, I'm not really sure what I want to say. Part of me wants to begin coming clean about the "changes" I'm going through--and on the other hand, part of me thinks that it's too personal. I want to write about the more positive things that my life has become focused on and yet I need to put the past to bed. And no, rest assured, I am not talking about the mis-step I made last year; I'm talking about having the ability to face the truth and say "I'm not to blame for what's happened; I did not start this unraveling of our lives" and I absolutely will not kowtow to anyone. For those who were witnesses to the ugly beginning, well, you know exactly what happened. You know that I, in fact, made a wrong choice to stay. Now I'm getting the ship to set sail correctly. It's eaten at me like a cancer; I put up with a lot of nonsense and accusations and so on, but simply put--I know (and many others do, as well) that the truth is more on my side.

Sometimes you need a dark day to make sense out of darker thoughts so that way they can be washed away and only found later when the sun is shining, so you can see in the light what you couldn't help stumbling over in the dark.

Recharge

2011-08-10T07:32:00.004-04:00

This has been a week of physical recharging, daily trips to the gym and planning the oncoming next phase of my life. It's been an interesting, if not at moments, emotionally challenging kind of week. I'm only halfway through it and hopefully the last two days will yield some creative bursts--time is always too short.

I've been finding myself spending more time alone--physically and with my own thoughts. Sometimes I'm not sure that it's the healthiest thing in the world, per se, but at other times, I think it's crucial in order to clear out any of the remaining doubts, unwanted memories and clutter that hinders clarity.

Take one flag down; raise another in its place

2011-07-31T21:05:00.004-04:00

Silence is golden. It is true. Silence is powerful; it can bring a reaction out of someone with greater potency than cruel words. Silence is thus cruel and can be used as the most powerful of weapons when you've been hurt and don't know how else to react. Silence is your best friend. It keeps you from saying something you'll regret. Silence is your greatest ally. Watching someone else's discomfort is a joy in those times of emotional agony where you need to fight back. Silence is the last word. I think I got in the last word, loudly, clearly and silently.

A very wise friend said "nothing shatters hearts more than indifference." I think I do believe that.

The slim

2011-07-10T11:09:00.001-04:00

I'm not very good at hiding my feelings, but I've learned how to deal with them in the appropriate, mature manner. So I can say in this brief posting of thought that the end of the tunnel approaches and I can see a lot of light. If it hasn't been clear or obvious, this blog seems to be taking a much more positive spin than in the past; certainly in the last year. But that's what changes bring--some good, some bad; some extremely painful and some hopeful. And that's where I'm at. So stay with me; I think it only gets better and better going forward and never backward.

What you want it to be

2011-06-19T10:34:00.002-04:00

And yet again, another fabulous weekend--not too dissimilar to last week. Friday night dinner with old friends, which lifts my spirits; yesterday, an early grocery shop, great Mexican food and a relaxing night in front of the television, watching a Mets victory. Today, even though it's getting late, a trip to the gym and laundry--not too shabby.

Most importantly, I also now have a clear recording schedule in shape. I am fortunate enough to have the talents of Jeremy Michael Miller, a brilliant musician/producer/engineer in my corner to help get these songs off the ground. He's already taken "Bed Of Thorns" from the demo and started to build a solid backing track for me to add on and complete in hopefully a short amount of time. So it looks as if an album is about to go through the digestion period and be born in a realistic amount of time.

So far so good. Shake off the cobwebs, let go and walk it home...

Kicking dust and stones, barefoot

2011-06-13T13:36:00.003-04:00

Still on a roll with writing new songs, although the dynamic of subject matter has changed. Doesn't matter--material still pouring forth. And by feeling as good as I have lately, I see no reason to think about it.

A vintage weekend: Friday night, a light dinner and drinks with friends up on a rooftop during a beautiful, clear night in the city. Saturday: up early and off to get our new iPhones--no headache, no hassles and all our info went from the old cells to the new. Spent the afternoon texting and not minding, watching TV and relaxing during a wet and crummy evening. Yesterday, up early and out for Liz and I to enjoy a classic breakfast, wake ourselves up completely and get the groceries done. A quick trip to Target, the mall (okay; yes, I did throw down for a new pair of Wayfarers--after 23 years, everyone deserves to splurge a little); she treated me to Starbucks and home to enjoy the balance of the day.

Looking forward to the gym tonight and getting some acoustic solo time in. I feel like the light is shining in total again.

Inspiration and perspiration

2011-06-08T12:19:00.005-04:00

Started reading Bob Mould's autobiography this morning. Already hard to put down. Suffice it to say there are some very uncomfortable similarities, which reconfirmed for me so much of what I know/have known about myself and the people around me--that none of us are special. That so many of us grew up in difficult circumstances. I don't know if it will hinder my writing of my own weird story, but aside from the obvious differences, I suppose we really do all have the same shared experiences.

Nonetheless, it does help, when I read books like this or Richard Barone's amazing "Frontman" to keep me thinking of mistakes made by others that I never made and to always be glad of having what I had from my years as a working musician.

It remains to be seen that I, too, can deliver the goods--except my story comes from the angle of someone who probably could have had it, but chose not to. Besides, I've lived more of a rock-and-roll lifestyle than most "successful" rock stars.

Times like these, you learn to live again

2011-05-31T12:40:00.002-04:00

It's amazing how time can slowly change your ways and make you look at things that can't be seen... And here I am, a full year after being merely an observer to my own existence, which has left me completely changed and I do believe for the better. Not just as a person, but as a musician. And it shows tremendously. Another three new songs--"Walk It Home", "Neverlasting" and "Chance" again visit the idea that there are no limits now to what I may be able to do as a songwriter. As a 46 year old, you've had experiences that you're no longer feeling so possessive about--universal themes are universal themes. And certainly, my own discovery of real love, real pain and loss and re-evaluation are nothing new--they're just from my perspective and my outlet in dealing with these elements of life is to write songs. It's what I do; it's what I had always done and since the onslaught of September, I will continue to do so without even questioning why I do it. Never again will I relinquish my reins.

There's a lyric I'd begun last August, "She Is The Light". I abandoned it for obvious reasons. But it speaks volumes when you stop, look from a distance and remember that it's just a lyric waiting to be sung and nothing more. What the listener hears or feels is all that matters. So while I'm able to now push out the new songs, so too, can I see the validity in revisiting the past, albeit a year behind.

A year by numbers

2011-05-10T09:56:00.002-04:00

I feel a sense of relief that I've reached a year; from the death of my father, to the unraveling of my marriage colliding with my subsequent emotional upheaval. Relief and a gladness of anti-climax that the lean period is over and means nothing now. May has always been my favorite month and will remain so--that some very sad things began to happen last May is just part of life. Here I am--physically and mentally stronger and healthier than ever; spiritually rejuvenated and creatively flowing to heights I'd never thought I was capable of.

So by virtue of all this, I am about to embark on the next round of new songs to be demo'd; I don't know what will happen as far as a Punch Line reunion, but if we want it, it'll happen. No one is under any pressure, etc. Nothing but good things, as far as I'm concerned.

File the last 12 months of postings as a documented bump in the road.

The Indie-Yuppie Geek Syndrome...

2011-04-21T13:49:00.011-04:00

I've never been a computer genius, but I have to admit, I'm easily seduced and enthralled by (literally) anything Apple puts out--except the iPad (that's a stupid/pointless item--an overgrown iPhone). I've been a Mac guy since '96; love me some iPod/iPod Mini and now iPod Nano, but my iBook is 6 years out of date.

So I bought myself one of these:

In a three-plus hour session, I was able to transfer EVERYTHING from my iBook onto this brand-spanking new MacBook Pro at home with no difficulties. I'm operating at full throttle now and can continue to work on music and designing with no more fear of "your startup disk is nearly full"...

..I now await June so I can move over to the iPhone...

---okay, back to my usual Luddite activities...

With a quickness...

2011-04-12T09:29:00.002-04:00

...Yours truly has gotten back to work and has begun the basic tracks for "Best Thing". This song seems to shine (already) as the "lead" track for this album.

Suffice it to say I'm proud!

Save it

2011-03-28T14:15:00.003-04:00

For the first time in a long time, I feel it necessary to lob a grenade. After having some very pleasant and exciting conversation with friends, I want to take a moment to give thought to a good old-fashioned list because I'm sick as fuck of hearing/reading these so-called "essential" lists that asshole hacks (such as at Rolling Stone) seem to foist upon the unsuspecting.

So here are a few lists. If you want to know why these choices, write to me and I'll tell you:

Top 10 Albums:

Revolver - The Beatles
The Who Sell Out - The Who
Sound Affects - The Jam
Murmur - R.E.M.
Kilimanjaro - The Teardrop Explodes
Babble - That Petrol Emotion
English Settlement - XTC
Repercussion - The dB's
154 - Wire
Pet Sounds - The Beach Boys

These (and there are a slew of others that come immediately afterwards) had the most influence and emotional impact on me, let alone the significance of each albums' consistency of great tracks.

I'm more than happy to open a dialogue, but I will not engage if you tell me how important Nirvana is. They aren't. Period.

Vernal equinox at last

2011-03-21T16:52:00.002-04:00

Spring is here; glimpses of warmth and life renewing itself have been seen and I am moving forward to the next sometime soon... It's finally happening and I'm both glad and excited.

Everything else seems to be falling into place. A few minor adjustments still need to be made here and there, but nothing troubling/troublesome.

But for the rest, well, it's time to light another ceremonial bonfire and heap a few more unwanted items on top...

Staring into the distance...

2011-03-01T12:28:00.002-05:00

It's becoming one of those quietly philosophical periods, which I can't seem to help--it comes when it comes. I keep thinking about the not-too-distance future and its collision with the past--I feel waves of emotions that I have to admit, I'm just not comfortable with. I want the good things that lie ahead--and I know they do--but I don't want to continue to be anchored by the past and the current. The whole nonsense of last summer is long gone dead and buried; I'm not talking about that. I mean the more important, lingering nightmare. So by feeling weighed down and stuck in the now, feelings tend to come up--starting with frustration and resentment. Anger, unless constructively focused, does no good. Yet, here I am, seeing it in front of me and not fighting it off. And I am well aware that sometimes, you can't fight it off--like any other emotion, you have to let it wash over you and disperse naturally.

By the same token, I am still as energized and excited by all the new music I have been making. My flow of creativity has not been stemmed; I am not wavering at all in the positives that will be coming out of this period. Whether it's a Punch Line reunion or gig or an actual solo album, the facts remain that I have been very lucky to have my senses reawakened and am easily writing music I would have never (in past times) thought myself capable of.

March is here and my yin and yang are once again slightly out of alignment, which is almost emblematic of the last 12 years. Onward we go, with a sigh and a chuckle...

Slick

2011-02-26T10:34:00.002-05:00

An evening of opera and a different way to view performing after good and constructive conversation leads me to focus on stage configuration and presence. I went back and watched some old video footage of us and I can see where there's a lot of room for my improvement. If we play as a three-piece, I need to be even more commanding and dynamic to keep the audience's attention. It's not an ego thing; it's my job and my responsibility. At 46, it's very easy for me to say I certainly have no fear nor stage fright; if anything, I do hunger to get out there and entertain, especially if friends have come to see me do these songs they now know and are familiar with. The exercises I do with the acoustic guitar have helped bolster my abilities no end; my voice is stronger and richer than I can remember; I'm no longer conscious wanting it to be equal with the guitar--rather, it should carry over the guitar in a natural way. Always better, man.

I'm keeping an eye on the idea of having time to sit down and demo the new songs quickly. Even if they aren't intricate and detailed demos, I want the basic structures down so I can carry forward from there. "Best Thing", "Believe What I Say", "Desertion", "Someone Like Me" and "Hopeless" are ready--they need to be solidified and arranged. "The Next Sometime Soon" is nearly done and "Last Word" is on the table.

I don't question whether the river will run dry. The lyrics keep appearing; the construction of the songs go hand in hand with the lyric writing process. This has been, in light of all the negatives leading up to it, a fine and positively prosperous creative time.

After all the roads have led to...

2011-02-17T17:26:00.002-05:00

I almost feel like I've been slacking--missed a few days last week and one this week at the gym; only played guitar once last week and once (so far) this week and I haven't even thought about recording. Off putting... But the fact is I've been feeling tired and needed a slight break.

Just today, I finished the lyrics to two songs: "Best Thing" is now complete and so is "The Next Sometime Soon". At this moment, there are 5 more songs to add to the original 4--this now gives me 9 songs in total and more titles are now on paper, so you know I'm still working. It's just the physical pace I'd been at couldn't sustain; I would have wound up getting ill.

J.W. thinks "Best Thing" is brilliant ("you sound like a young Bob Mould"... ahem). I think it's clever and while the bile has subsided from frothing so much, it shows I've lost none of my regained edge or forcefulness in either the lyrics or the music. That and the fact that "Best Thing" has hooks, melody and catchy lyrics, so how could I go wrong?:

"And in the eyes of my friends, your arrogance never ends
As the consequences fall effortlessly
The evidence is there for all the world to see
The best thing about you was me..."

One of those moments where I thank God for the ability to write.

A long weekend ahead (hurrah) and next weekend will most likely be the first photoshoot - solo, that is. A lot of work ahead; a lot to look forward to.

The act we act

2011-02-06T19:58:00.002-05:00

An open letter: for those who, in typical fashion, underestimated me, I can proclaim loudly, proudly that everyone was wrong and I am once again at the pilot's wheel of my own ship. While doubt can be a great motivator, along with pain and spite, I need nothing more than to say "look at me; listen to me and see how I am".

There comes a point of being so far down that you can't see the surface and it's at that moment you find some way--and it doesn't have to be some great epiphany--to jettison all the pain, frustration, sadness, etc. All that weighs you down is removed and you put yourself into a trajectory that relaunches you back into the land of the living. That's where I'm at.

It's that kind of personal drive that makes you want to accelerate forward; to make up for lost time in the mire. And so come more songs and ideas and the anticipation to map out in full and begin the new album.

How bad can a day begin when you wake up early and get out to the gym; have a full workout, grab a (decaf) Starbucks and have a good conversation with someone learned?

In the eyes of my friends

2011-01-30T08:52:00.006-05:00

I realize my last posting was kind of a nothing reportage, but some days, you just want to state that the moment is good. Not special; not exciting, just a solid, happy moment.

I think I'm in a state, currently, of what I would consider "perspective through objectivity". I've learned so much in the last year that I feel like an acolyte all over again. Changes, for good, bad or indifferent, have manifested themselves in me and I've taken what I could from all of them. I can say that prior to last May, I feel like I'm back on the road I'd been on previously--focus, clarity, rationale, drive, desire, improvement, solidity. In a word, returning to life in the world of the emotionally mature and reasonable.

Which leads to the consistency of writing new songs and gathering ideas. From the pride of the statement contained in "Don't Worry Baby, I'm Not Your Victim", which is something of an anthem already (one friend off-handedly commented "Dude, you may have written the song of your career right there"--quite a compliment; there's no price for that) and the stellar Punch Line-by-the-numbers "Wash Away" to the next cycle: "Best Thing" (with a line like "...the evidence is there for all the world to see/the best thing about you was me...", you know it's a classic pop song), "Hopeless" and "Can't Fight It Anymore (Won't Fight It Anymore)", I'm fairly certain that an album is being born. My guitar playing is beefier, aggressive and better than ever.

Twenty-plus pounds lighter later, you can visually see the changes in me; the positive body/mind/spirit waves continue to come in and light pours all around me.

Every day, more and more, I continue to pile up, inventory and count my blessings.

Perfect days

2011-01-17T09:51:00.003-05:00

A holiday off from work could automatically qualify. Nonetheless, to be able to wake up at the first sound of the alarm is a great start. The morning coffee at sunrise while watching the local news gets my blood flowing--mind you, today is one of those "lite" coffee days; Maxwell House 50/50 blend of regular/decaf is a helpful way to not be amped to the eyeballs with caffeine. Shower and get in the car on a cold morning--off to the gym. The drive across the Island is traffic-free and filled with laughs as I listen to "Opie & Anthony" for the first time in ages. A full workout with no one around puts me in the best frame of mind. I feel refreshed, clear headed, peaceful. By the time I'm done, the gym is getting packed. Head home and decide what to do with the balance of the morning--my eye is on the guitar, so I have a feeling music is on the cards...

Unfettered and ready

2011-01-11T14:56:00.010-05:00

After so many years of cajoling, pushing, encouraging, etc., the time has come where I sit down and start to write a book. I know it is bound to anger a lot of people; I also know it will make some people laugh. I figure that with the idea of my life's absurdities, observations and ability to turn tragedies into triumph and triumph into idiotic disaster, why not? Sometimes wry, sometimes bitter--or even bittersweet--any story I write could be the perfect hybrid of fact and fiction. Why not write something when I've never been anything more than just a guy trying to get through this life without fucking up beyond repair? I have hands; I have words, I have eyes, thought and language which gives me all the tools I need to come up with something.

Not that this isn't a hackneyed theme; I've read it and it's been done poorly--I think I can come up with my own stamp on what it's like to think you've got it all only to realize what you think you want and what you want are never on the same plain at the same time. In short, sometimes I feel like everything is right and mine and other times, I ask why does it always rain on me at the most inopportune moment? It's about yin and yang, light and shade--me knowing what I've had, what I've lost, what I took, what I abandoned and what am I doing? Names will be changed to protect the guilty and the innocent; the places and circumstances will not.

I don't know--the motivation is simple. It's time. This isn't exactly the trail of rage and melody... this is more akin to the road of broken hearts, broken strings and broken promises only to be rebuilt at a later date... I guess. Who knows for sure? I'm looking at mid-May as my starting point. And I believe it will happen...

Mine

2011-01-07T10:17:00.005-05:00

Number 46. While I'd anticipated and hoped it would be a happy, stress-free day (if nothing else), it has not been the case, even this early on. My arcane plans for gym/Target/groceries has been thwarted by the elements and as a born-and-bred New Yorker, I loathe the snow; I've always hated winter. Although I have an SUV, it makes no sense to drive across and around the Island in this, especially since other drivers are not as careful as I am--why, I've never understood. Nonetheless, I will do the laundry (another thing off the to-do list) and find other ways to enjoy my day (somehow, I hear the lure of my Guild calling...).

I have received innumerable e-mails and postings on my Facebook page for my birthday and for my prior postings. I have to confess, I thought the tenor of what I was trying to convey was a point of perspective and clarity with the necessary distance of objectivity. If I came across as embittered or still angry, believe me, I'm not. What's done is done. And I am not, nor have I ever been, the kind of person to revisit an unhappy experience that ended; I've never been the type to re-open Pandora's box. I have a great deal of peace and light and joy that may not always be exhibited, but I am happier than I have been since the upheavals of last year.

Now--not just with this being the start of another new, fresh year or it being my birthday--I have regained total control of my life. There is no one and nothing that is going to come before me or get in the way of what I may want or need; my happiness, health and balance are my priority and I will not allow even the slightest bit of interference. No one can dictate to or make demands of me; I stand and walk on my own. As I have stated previously, "constructive selfishness" is what makes a person complete--not other people nor objects. If you don't put yourself first, no one else will--and that is not an empty cliche. That is just the way of the world.

I am wholly alone on this birthday and I don't mind. Better to be alone than to have others bring their negative personalities and energy into a positive circle. Although I don't drink, I will raise a glass later in the day and toast myself for having the ability to see it all so clearly and to be able to savor my own reawakening. Joy is mine for the taking and I am taking it. So happy birthday to me. And to the others who see only the darkness: I'm sorry, baby, but you can't stand in my light anymore...

Maker

2011-01-06T09:24:00.012-05:00

"Gratitude" is not a word I use lightly--I've heard and read it thrown about like confetti in the past several months. Those who claim to be "grateful" are, frankly, full of shit. It's a word that should be adhered to by its definition. To have gratitude; to be grateful, at points, means you stop--look at--evaluate the people who bring you joy, comfort, love, understanding, respect, patience and all that will bring peace of mind to your daily existence--in short, life's blessings--not riches, nor possessions. A great many people misconstrue gratitude by taking advantage of/taking for granted the people that can do, care, rescue, help--being an emotional cripple is a bad mis-step in trying to lead a balanced life. And as it always seems to go, those who bark the loudest about being "grateful" are the most ungrateful of all--such a predictable cliche, but so sadly accurate.

I look at my life--past and present--and I admit that I have made some grave mistakes in discarding what was important; the people who mattered and truly being grateful for who is in my life and what I have that gives me daily, physical comfort. Over the last few years, I have begun to not only take stock in the "durable goods" but in many ways, minimize them by lack of necessity (why buy what you don't need? Why put yourself in harm's way for owning useless/frivolous items by racking up debt?). I purge non-essentials with regularity. It is an emotional cleansing, not just a physical freeing up of space.

I have been learning to do the same thing when it comes to people, which was something I was not adept at. I never "held on" to relationships that brought nothing to either myself or the other person, but I never would make the conscious decision to say "I have to let go; this makes me unhappy" or whatever the circumstances may have been. I always left it up to the greatest friend I've ever had: silence. Yes, that may be the "coward's way", but I have found that if someone is looking for a direct confrontation with me and I agree (begrudgingly) to meet them on the battlefield, then my side of the story is not to be heard--I am not afforded an equal voicing. So what is the point of arguing or worse, defending myself? To be pushed until an emotional outburst occurs and something is said wrongly, hurtfully? I prefer the more diginified (depending on your point of view) "let me quietly walk away". It may be seen as passive-aggressive, but it saves you from tears, anger, shouting and reducing yourself to being as "bad" as the other person.

In light of everything I've learned in the recent past, I find that there is far less risk in sounding stupid or childish by saying nothing. I will use a definitive example: in the final phone call exchange between myself and a former friend, this person (literally) shouted from the moment we began speaking. Machine-gun bursts of verbiage were fired at me with accusations that went: "I'm emotional. I know I'm emotional but you're cold. You're too rational. You deal with people better than I do. When you're angry, you become cold." And so this went. As I could physically feel the anger rising in me, I took a breath and tried to explain as best as possible: "I am rational because I do not want to make the mistake of saying something that can be hurtful or completely inappropriate. I need to digest and process things before I say anything. I have to be sure I'm right and justified in taking up an argument instead of blindly shooting my mouth off without having the facts straight. Once something is said, it cannot be taken back and I don't want to ever put myself in that kind of situation just because I didn't think before I spoke." Since that phone call, I have not spoken to this individual. I felt on that day, my own final straw had been snapped; however, that person still occasionally tries to communicate. I (with two poorly-judged exceptions) do not respond to this person. Letting go means not only pushing their memory out of your mind, but to not answer when they attempt contact. It saves me a lot of headaches and heartaches. It isn't childish avoidance. I have nothing to say any longer. I said my piece when it had to be said; then I walked away completely. Silence speaks louder than anything else.

On the flipside, taking in all that I have--not just my home, my cats, my guitars, clothes, books, etc.--makes me feel I am truly a blessed individual. As I have said so often, look at the experiences I have had--I have lived every dream I ever hallucinated (!) (pretty much); I have had a very charmed life. I may not have financial wealth; I may not own a house or any of the ecoutrements that most people misappropriate for "happiness" via opulence but at 46, I have so much more than many people I have called friends/lovers and I seem to gain more with every passing day that I learn and see and think and know. I am surrounded by good, kind, loving, decent people--these are people who tell me when I'm right and when I'm wrong; they offer praise when warranted but call me on my bullshit when it's time. I don't have servile yes-men/women who do my bidding and kowtow to my dictatorial whims. You know, I'm nobody special--and no one is.

You know, 46 is a pretty high number. There isn't that much sand left in the hourglass and while there is time, I want to keep improving and thriving, emotionally and spiritually. It's all I think I really need. Eveything else is almost secondary. And for all that I have and all that I am, I am grateful.

Past tense

2011-01-05T11:32:00.031-05:00

In the two days since I made my last posting, I have been overrun with communiques, questions and negative responses concerning the "birthday e-mail"--not against me, but toward the person who sent the aforementioned. I do appreciate the support and the understanding, but I'm not sure I made my point clear. And this I say with all love:

I don't feel it's worth anyone getting annoyed or aggravated about. I reported it, since it fit the moment and the emotion, but on a greater level, it represents absolutely nothing. Whether or not she meant it to be anything more than a simple birthday acknowledgment is immaterial; I would prefer to not hear from her at all. She forced me to suppress and dissolve any feelings, sentiments, et al. when it came to her, our friendship and everything else. She is now persona non grata. If she expects me to respond to her e-mail, she would be wrong. I have nothing to say, written or verbally. I'm sure she will write again, most likely with some kind of vitriolic attack and play the "wounded bird". Or maybe she will finally understand there's no reason to pretend; that the friendship - from my view - is dead and she will cease communication.

This is a game I despise; the kind that no one ever wins--thus, I will not play. I don't need to speak or write about it; I don't need to speak or write to her. I only feel coldness when she comes to mind. Nothing can be changed; I will not compromise nor retract. That is clear. Not after faith has been broken. I wish it were not so, but it is. So silence is the order of the day.

And again--there is no anger here; along with the other emotions I had for her, that too evaporated. I simply wish to be left alone. There is no reason for her to contact me. When I was with her, it became trying; since we ended, she's been equally difficult. I don't wish her ill--I don't wish her well--I have nothing to offer when it comes to her. I can only say I hope she has a peaceful life and please leave me to mine.

I cannot be more grateful to the people who were with me from the moment this sad chapter began but it's time to set this whole thing on the bonfire. It's left now as a pile of ash in the past...

*************************

And on another note, I would like to send a "THANK YOU" out to the person who wrote some very kind words on the "comments" page for the last posting. You made 6 years of this blog worth it all. Please keep in touch.

See a little more light

2011-01-03T14:26:00.009-05:00

As I navigate the waters of every day, there are moments when, naturally, things become rough and your emotions can get the better of you. Having learned the art of moving on and forward when a relationship ends, I find myself a little thrown off course, though not surprised, at receiving an e-mail today from someone who I no longer have any contact with.

Understand, I made peace with what happened in September; I closed that door and walked away. I meant it when I said I no longer would allow myself to be hurt by someone I loved. That includes the ending of a "friendship" that no longer had any merit. I lifted the clouds from me; I saw a little light and walked out into the brightness of my life and living it again. When there ain't no water in the well, the trough is dry for good.

I was not pleased me to hear from this person today. Maybe because my view is a bit biased, I would have believed that after all this time she would just let things be where they are--in the past. I may be overreacting, but this e-mail smacked of her "poking" (J's term) at me, even though it was meant to be seen as a harmless, hand-outstretched-in-friendship "early birthday greeting". Nothing she ever does goes without having some ulterior motive behind it. I apologize in advance for my cynicism, but I cannot take stock in a single word she writes or may say.

I contemplated writing back a simple, two word "thank you" response, but I have no desire to do so. Being polite is one thing. Being negligent with myself is another. To respond would mean to her that I still care or want her in my life in one fashion or another by opening an avenue for dialogue; I do not. This is not high school or college; these types of games are exactly what I have wanted to get away from completely. I'm 45 going on 46; I will not be drawn into it.

2011 is now upon us and I'm not returning to the saddest thing about 2010. I worked very hard to regain who I am and had always been--not the person I became when I was keeping company with her. I haven't looked back; I haven't wished for us to have some sort of reconciliation - I am not that kind of person. The past stays where it belongs--in the past. I don't relive, revisit or recycle people. And I do not want to continue writing about this subject. It is over in all manners - and it will not change or be repaired, etc. I will not allow people I may have loved but who have hurt me with no cause to do so to have any place in my life. That is where I find the light--in the truth. I share this here because it would be deceptive of me to not use this blog for what it was meant to be--my diary. I have a strength and calm that led me to say all that I needed with no hesitation or regret. My conscience is clear. Her self-fulfilled prophecy came true; when she once asked me "please don't ever shut me out of your life", well, I have. And I am not sorry.

This is a new year; a new beginning again. Out with the old. You open your eyes and everything that was murky and uncertain is now sharp and focused. You see a little light and bathe in it. Instead of delivering platitudes and in actuality being a hypocrite, I prefer silence--it is a far more eloquent and powerful language.

Terms of psychic warfare

2011-01-01T08:22:00.005-05:00

Yes, it is a Happy New Year. A sunny Saturday morning, a cup of good coffee after a solid night's sleep--all of last year's discomforts are now for the ages. Life rolls on as does another year and I see yesterday as nothing more than material for my book.

As always, I don't have any "resolutions"--those questions were truly resolved as situations unfolded. I'm not one to make proclamations about "I need to lose weight" or "I need to quit smoking"; there are some simple - and tangible/obtainable - goals, which can be achieved by discipline, focus, belief and work. This includes wanting to find a new job, as I want better--I am tired of hearing the concessionary nonsense of "oh, you have a job--why look for one?". Because I want more and you should always strive for and want greater in your own life, let alone for the others who are part of your world. Settling for complacency is suicide. I look back over many of the people who have entered and exited my life and I think how some of them just roll over. I'll be 46 in a few days and I don't believe in the notion of simply accepting "oh, this is my lot in life". I may not get what I want, but at least I have the courage and the desire to try. I will be continuing my positive health direction; I'm actually heading to the gym in a little while. I will hope that my relationships maintain their strength and continue to solidify in greater measures; I will not repeat past mistakes. I would like to see the songs that have now begun to appear get a public hearing; my goal is to perform again. I have begun reconnecting to higher elements; I want to continue exploring that path. I will discourage any kind of negative energy or people from my life. Even if that means further amputations of friendships, etc., I will no longer accept corrosive beings in my orbit. I have no debt--neither realistic/financial or philosophical/personal. I owe nothing to no one and that possibly makes me as free as one could hope to be. The ability to write; not just songs, but begin focusing on actually writing the book so many people have told me to write. Using this blog will be a helpful tool in making sure I can refine this skill. The songs will continue to come--the reins are firmly in my hands. Let this not go misinterpreted--no one re-ignited me as a songwriter--I never lost what I already always had.

Who I am now is not who I was yesterday, nor 3 months ago, nor 6 months ago, nor a year or two or twenty five ago. I am in the now; be here now and into tomorrow. Whoever I evolve into is who I become. Facts are facts: time moves, but it also runs out. There is no time for hesitation or procrastination in my life. Look at the number: 46. I'm not a young man. I see it for what it is. Tick, tick, tick.

In short, the plans I make are realistic and not lofty. They are simply the things I want and feel I need.

And so a heartfelt Happy New Year filled with joy and satisfaction to us all.

Yearly wrap up

2010-12-29T11:48:00.003-05:00

I'll keep this brief: good riddance to 2010, in a nutshell. I need not recap my life over this year--anyone who knows me or reads this blog has an inkling of how trying this year has been. So I turn another page and start the next chapter.

On a better note, however, four songs have been recorded and the overdubs are happening as I write. "Don't Worry Baby, I'm Not Your Victim", "Wash Away", "Bed Of Thorns" and the Grant Hart-tribute, "She Can Hear The Angels Calling" have guitars and multi-layered vocals; the bass and drums go next. Although the city was hit by over a foot of snow, I managed to spend time with some dear friends who I hadn't seen in a while and had the pleasure of catching up. Five consecutive days at the gym and a total (holding) loss of 18 pounds feels great.

All that was on my "to do" list during this two week break has been accomplished and for that, I am very happy. Not to mention relaxed.

So onto 2011. See you (perhaps with The Punch Line) next year.

You don't have to tell me now

2010-12-25T11:03:00.003-05:00

It has to be said, Xmas has never meant anything to me. Not in a spiritual way; not in a symbolic way--and I hope it doesn't come off Scrooge-like. It's just another day. Aside from the fact that I'm not Christian, I've just never found it to be worth its merit, simply because it's always seemed such a farce. Gifts should be given to those we love whenever we want because we love them. I know that sounds like such a broad and obvious statement, but it's one component to my point of view. A gift should always be from the heart, with no motivation of reciprocation behind it. You give because you want to--very simple. Thanksgiving is a much more spiritually uplifting day--a day of gathering with loved ones to "give thanks" for what we may have: love, companionship, understanding. In short, the true blessings in life.

Nonetheless, in the calm and quiet solitude of today, I am working on the new songs with a focus and clarity I haven't had for years. The guitars are tuned and set; the recording equipment is marked and prepared. How much I will complete and achieve, I don't know, but I do hope to get four songs down and done.

And so this is Xmas... And?

Faster

2010-12-21T13:48:00.002-05:00

These daily trips to the gym are now visually paying off, as well as making me feel great. How vital is it to feel good and do something that aids in the process? Cardio today, plus some ab crunching and working out my upper back and shoulders; tomorrow, it's another round of full weight workouts. Being on vacation, I have the joy and leisure to get out to the gym early with no one around and take my time using all the machines I need. And yes, there is some minor "pain" involved, but it's well worth it. Amazing how something unhappy can lead you to someplace positive instead--the opposite reaction of what one would usually expect.

Yet another new song is starting to take shape on the horizon; venturing into new lyrical areas seems to be the order of the day. Tomorrow, after I come back from the gym, the intention is to spend the whole of the afternoon recording "full production" demos--at the least, I want to get "Wash Away" and "Don't Worry Baby..." done; maybe take a shot at "Bed Of Thorns" as well. Having bought some gear for the guitars was a smart and helpful thing. There is a chance, I'll be doing some photos over the weekend as well.

So far, so good--I have two full weeks off from my day job and already the items on my "to do" list have been ticked off, one by one.

The magic band man

2010-12-17T23:03:00.002-05:00

Don Van Vliet 1941 - 2010.

I just got word that the almighty Captain Beefheart has passed away. I am devastated. I am hurting. He was a profound influence on me. I cannot express how I feel at the moment except to say I am pained.

Sure 'nuff and 'n yes I am.

Tears won't stop.

Keep on pushing

2010-12-14T20:10:00.003-05:00

The days move like a runaway train; for this I'm grateful. Time speeds up and distances grow further. More and more I feel relief from the pain. It's been a bitter pill to swallow but acceptance was always my saving grace. As the sadness diminishes with every passing day, so too does my desire to grow further beyond who I have been and who I am today.

The gym, in the words of a very dear friend and confidant, is now my solace; my sanctuary. 4, maybe 5 days a week, I'm in there, working out full-on. The weights have become my friends; my partners. I think about the things that brought me unhappiness; my general, normal frustrations and then I feel the drive. I work myself; I work my body hard. I take my time and I don't strain--even after a long day of work, I feel refreshed and revived when I'm done. Other days that I don't lift weights or use the machines, I do cardio, which brings me up in a different way. It's a more meditative time when I'm on the elliptical or the treadmill. I think about me and find a sense of compromise and rationale. I keep a sharp eye on my eating habits; I try to get a decent amount of rest and carry a small amount of hope in me everyday. Hope in strength, hope in my health and maintaining balance.

Writing songs has once again become part of my natural flow. I take my time and mentally lay the songs out; map them in my mind so that by the time the words are completed on the paper, I know what I want to do musically. No longer do I have to backtrack and say "what do I want to do with this one?"--the song is already born complete. My voice is rich and full; my playing is regaining its skill and the passion is there; it's back and even when I do my nightly exercise--30 to 45 minutes--I don't mail in my performances.

When friends call and say "let's get together", I no longer think of reasons not to go and see them. I've reconnected with so many wonderful, genuine people in a completely unsettling time and made new, good friends that I have no desire to lose anyone. Plus, my conscience, for good bad or indifferent, is completely clean. And everyone's honesty and forthright was a big part in the healing process. Sometimes, "told you so"'s are done lovingly and for you to get out of your own way.

I look at this blog and think, it's now 6 years old. Unbelievable. I read back on some of the older postings and think what an arrogant asshole I was. I don't believe that to be the case anymore. I'm hell of a lot older and it seems, by circumstances unwanted, a hell of a lot wiser. So I keep on pushing.

Remember love

2010-12-08T22:02:00.002-05:00

I'll keep this short. It's been such an emotional headspin of a time that I can't think about John today. This is the 30th anniversary of his murder and I think I would start to cry. I've had enough of tears and sadness and it's a memory I'd like to not be engulfed by.

Just listen to his music. Let it try to heal you. Like I've been letting it try to heal me.

I wasn't dreaming of the past... I just had to let it go...

Workbook

2010-11-22T15:29:00.003-05:00

Even I have these terrible lapses in focus, where the idea of doing something so necessary becomes an abhorrent chore. Aside from taking the car for its annual inspection or getting new glasses, so too is the discipline to record the now-piling new songs in demo form. Thus, I have broken the now 10 year streak of no new original demos and have two completed: "Don't Worry Baby, I'm Not Your Victim" and "Wash Away" (which I'm happy to report only took one take for guitar and voice). These are skeletal--just guitar and vocals, but it's a crucial re-beginning. Next will be "She Can Hear The Angels Calling" and "Bed Of Thorns".

Having completed the first two demos, I will now do a rough mix for balance and send them to Chris, as yes, once again I am looking toward working with him in some capacity, whether it's in the form of a Punch Line resurrection or not. The rumors are true; I am willing and hopeful that indeed, The Punch Line will in fact, reunite for our 25th anniversary in 2011. A lot of water has passed under the bridge and the reason I would have the band come back together is for the love of the music--especially these new songs--and the joy of playing together again.

Sometimes I bristle at the notion of "going back" but this is different. This is my band. It will always be my band--our band. There are other things I just can never go back to. It has nothing to do with pride or stubbornness--it has to do with self-respect. And I have too much respect for me and the other guys in the band to not want to do it.

The next sometime soon

2010-11-12T11:15:00.004-05:00

Hurt, betrayed—the plans we made are left now as a pile of ash in the past... Deceptive smiles when all the while, you took and took and kept on taking, knowing we wouldn’t last. Friendship lost; years that cost - a mystery of what makes you tick. For all you said, a fool misled; you never had to build me up brick by brick. How many times can you play innocent when you commit the crime over and over again? Feigning care, the warmth soaked lies – wet at the anticipation for whom you’ll next pretend... I don’t know if you ever understood me—I’m not one of your broken ones. I can’t tell if you listened to me – I could never share your opinion.
I won’t guess at what made this happen – I have no need for closure. Don’t worry baby; I’m not your victim.

Rational, thought so well – good intentions led to hell; I stand accused for not tearing you down.
Playing pained; always the same - a fraudulent act designed to get me wound. Seductive gaze; the price I paid - your loving looks for me were well-rehearsed. Cleaned me out; saved by doubt... I look at you as if you’re Queen Midas in reverse. You overestimate your attraction – rough around the edges describes you best. Beauty’s only skin deep and you’re poised on the shallow end – tired eyes and worn out breasts. You fucked me well; you fucked me bad - you fucked me up but I’m not sad; to see the truth of your mask now ripped away. You made me high; you left me dry - you cut me down but I couldn’t cry: a reciprocated look of no emotion - the same as you gave.

Here it comes yet again...

2010-11-06T10:24:00.003-04:00

When one has an idea on what they're creating, it is the most liberating, exhilarating feeling. I have been truly blessed--especially after 30-plus years of writing songs--that for the first time, what I've been writing has been completed in my mind. Before my hand ever touches guitar, I know what and how I want these new songs to sound. An incredible thing.

So it stands that three new songs are ready; I have begun - FINALLY - the recording of the first tracks so that the structures are there and I can build upon them. "Wash Away", "Bed Of Thorns" and the shocking (to me and to those who have heard it acoustically) "Don't Worry Baby, I'm Not Your Victim" are amongst the finest things I will ever do. Pride talking, perhaps, but the music speaks for itself. Especially "Don't Worry...". This is a new emotional area, both in lyric and delivery. I have always avoided truly putting myself in the song; this was a catharsis that screamed "inevitable". I wrote it from the deepest point of my feelings and didn't spare anything. Thus, for some it may be upsetting; for others, it will be a heavy chord struck home when it touches them--in a positive way. This is a song that bares the soul; I truly don't mean that pretentiously. I've laid myself wide open with it and hopefully, it leads to more songs pouring forth and born to be recorded immediately.

Thus, I await the delivery of my Les Paul--yes, the real thing. The clouds have parted; the way is clear and I know where to go. Now is the time--I have reached the next sometime soon...

Always amazing

2010-11-05T14:15:00.005-04:00

I find it interesting how people underestimate me. I don't mean that arrogantly; I am simply surprised at how often it seems to occur.

When the band broke up, everyone expected me to be brash and go off and do something else to spite them. No--I was 41 when I left and I had no desire to do anything of the sort. No one bothered to ask the direct question: why did you leave the band? The answer was simple: I wasn't enjoying it; we weren't really connected any longer and at 41, I felt embarrassed about pretending to be someone I wasn't. That was it.

When this recent "mistake" was concluding, everyone truly close to me and the situation itself knew that when I said "this is about to end", it wasn't an exaggeration, especially since I'd taken all of it so seriously. They tried to brace me, as I had, for what would come.

Yet, some who were more on the periphery - even now - still say things like "well, you were really into this girl; you would get back together with her" and the sort of ignorant statements that people tend to make when they think they know you. It's those judgements of underestimation that amuse me as I get older.

Let me see if I can put this clearly: when you end any "relationship"--regardless of how long it lasted or the dynamic of it--it's not really a good idea to revisit it when someone has been hurt; it just isn't healthy. Things end for a reason. The reason this one ended was very clear--she wanted someone else and was waiting for him. When he said yes, she went--I was the one she hurt. Okay, no room for misinterpretation.

Why would ANYONE consider going back to someone who would arbitrarily do such a thing with no second thoughts? I don't believe in living in the past; I may draw upon experiences so that I avoid making any unfortunate errors in repetition--but I don't return to what was or was not. It keeps me from becoming bitter. I don't collect ex-girlfriends, nor do I gleefully report when they call and tell me that they want to get back together with me. I don't know--I'm not in high school anymore; I'm not out to impress anyone or make them jealous--that kind of behavior is just so fucking embarrassing. I leave the past where it belongs--in the state of perspective.

And people expected me to become emotionally crippled, damaged, etc.--no. I'm sorry to report that I have been given a clarity that I probably didn't have before this whole stupid episode ever began. I'm stronger than ever; I am wiser from the experience and I have a greater sense of pride and propriety than I did before it happened. I've lost 14 pounds; been taking care of myself--treating myself right. So I'm lucky. I go on. I go forward. I am not doomed to repeat the cycles as my former friend has/does/will do. I'm not stuck eating karma stew for the rest of my life. I'm in the here and now. The summer was then. It happened then. Past tense. Present comfortable. Future unknown but hopeful.

I should say this, in all fairness: I have returned to The Punch Line twice before. I would return to The Punch Line again. The Punch Line was my band; it was our band. It's a much more superficial thing--it's no less heartbreaking when things go awry, but it's a relationship that doesn't hurt you the way living a lie through someone else's deceit will.

I love that line: "I gave you diamonds; you gave me disease". How true. Except for the disease part. More like "you gave me nothing". Can we please put this to rest once and for all?

Stop/step back

2010-10-25T10:56:00.019-04:00

In looking over yesterday's post I realize I sound too harsh; too angry. I'm not. Let me address it in a succint, to-the-point, just the facts way:

By being hurt, I needed time and distance from the person who hurt me. I was not, at the outset, afforded that. So the healing process couldn't begin when the split occurred. Now I have had some time and distance to think things over and through--more importantly, to step out of myself, the situation and try and see things from an observational point of view, along with the views of friends and people who cared/were sensitive to what was happening.

This is the simplest way of stating it and closing this topic once and for all:

I cared about someone; this person acted as if the feelings were mutual. This person and I had been friends for many years and then became reacquainted earlier in the year. I did not expect, imagine nor plan for this to happen. It did and I was very happy; I believed she was too.

We spent a few months together. There were some very serious, critical moments during that time together. When those things happened, it was me who she called on or I automatically stepped up to the plate and did what was needed/took care of things to make her life easier, etc. This is what you do when you care about someone.

But: I was questioned at every turn. I was always having to prove my worth to her. I was constantly being tested by her. Simultaneously, she would say things that would make me question her and make me wonder if her long-rooted problems were now creeping into this newly-evolved relationship of ours and going to destroy it. I thought she was trying to sabotage "us" before we could have a chance.

I was warned by many friends and some family members to please be careful; something wasn't right and I should take a step back. I had my own misgivings. And I listened to no one.

She ended our time together with the same suddenness that it had begun--it was quick; like a knife blade being plunged right into me. A week prior to the split, it seemed she was happy and looking toward a nice, not-too-distant future. So where did the break happen? What made her do such a sudden turn? She was biding her time with me until someone she was waiting for had cleared his decks and made her his flag of convenience. As soon as he called, she went. Simultaneously, I was feeling the pains of being with her, doubting her and thinking more about what was becoming a mess between this and my marriage--say what you will; I can see how and why I was ready for the finale.

So I immediately focused myself on moving on. The interesting thing is: when a break-up happens, both parties need time and space apart. I know the usual pattern is the person who got "dumped" usually calls the other person within 24 - 72 hours after and begs, pleads, cries and so on. I did not. I heard "it's over" very clearly, along with her very grasping-at-straws reasons why she wanted it to end. I did not call; I did not text or e-mail. I tried to let the shock subside and my feelings to diffuse from having been turned inside out.

She texted me four days after the split. Three times in one day. I chose not to answer; she got very angry and when I phoned her to clarify things because texts don't do anyone any good, she and I clashed. So much for civility and maturity.

I cannot, in good conscience, pretend that we are still friends. Here is why: I did not get what I needed from her--starting with honesty; she couldn't even give me that. Add to the mix that there was an obvious lack of respect by her texting me after we said goodbye and expecting me to respond or to give her absolution.

I never lied to her; I never misled her; I never pretended to be someone I was not; rather, I did everything she ever asked of me. I never made promises--I was as good as my word; if I said I was going to do something, it got done.

I never broke the bond of friendship--I never broke the faith. She completely dissolved our friendship by not having the simple decency to say "we're going too far too fast", etc. Or just saying "I don't want this to go too far--I don't see it lasting". She just took me for a ride. And she jumped off without giving any thought to my feelings. Which makes her a hypocrite. All her talk about having been treated badly and hurt in the past--she is exactly what she claimed to both despise and fear.

That's what I was implying and should have said when I wrote "friends don't hurt friends". That isn't friendship. She ended our friendship. And I am not planning on revisiting it. The pain of our split and loss of our friendship is over. So are the other emotions. Now I'm at a point of being indifferent to it--to her. That was what I meant by I no longer care. I don't wish ill; I don't wish joy--I don't wish anything. I have nothing to say or offer when it comes to her or the topic of her. I've exhausted my supplies and ideas. I have said everything I'm going to say. She's someone I was acquainted with; as a friend and briefly as more. And I couldn't tell you anything beyond that because I didn't really know her. It's called "I made a grave mistake"; I own it, I admit it and I've moved on from it.

She once said "please don't ever shut me out of your life"--I know now that was the set-up; I should have braced myself for the fall--or turned and walked away from her right then. I didn't. For all the times she said "you're going to get tired of me and leave me", I didn't. I gave it my all. She lied. She failed. And now I have shut her out of my life and there isn't a sense of loss.

Everyone should always take someone else's declarations with a grain of salt. It can be a saving grace when that person is not who they present themselves to be.

New designs for life

2010-10-24T11:22:00.004-04:00

The songs are coming together with speed, clarity and an amazing breath of life. I will start recording as soon as my day-to-day activities and responsibilities subside a bit.

That being said, here are some elevated observations:

- The joy of re-connecting with people I have loved and not seen in a very long time is a wonder and a true definition of appreciation. Time, distance and circumstances may have separated us, but their loving support in an immediate fashion tells me that I still have a "family" who will always care. Look up the word "grateful".

- Friends don't hurt friends. It's that simple. Once it happens, there is no friendship left.

- People who arbitrarily hurt those who care about them and have given them no cause to do so will forever be mired on the bad karma wheel. So it goes. I don't think it's out of line for me to say that I don't wish ill nor joy to the person who hurt me; I don't wish anything. She is no longer a factor in my life and I think that was something a lot of people were waiting/hoping for me to say. And it is true. While I may be accused of being "cold", I no longer care about this person. A "former friend" (by definition) is someone who can't call on you when they need someone/anyone/something. People aren't meant to be convenient.

- I am moving forward faster; I am physically/emotionally/spiritually stronger than I was before. The signs are not just there--they're now visible. I feel fantastic.

- I look in the mirror everyday and feel a pride that I had long put under wraps. Not arrogance. Just pride in who I am and what I'm about. I'm at that happy point where when I see/hear/know bullshit is bullshit, I'm going to call it and immediately walk away from it, rather than getting sucked into a game. I despise games and I won't play.

Sometimes a sad end turns into a beautiful re-beginning.

Everything has a price to pay

2010-10-15T08:55:00.010-04:00

Not every conversation I have is tinged with reflection or sadness; those who have been generous in closing ranks around me during this time have been good and honest and forthright. No one ever played "yes man" and nodded agreement with me. In truth, it was quite the opposite from the very start. I was warned to be careful; I was begged to stop and think about things that had been said from day one; I was told I could and would be hurt. I did not listen nor heed anyone's warnings and kind protective suggestions. These were all forshadowings of an "I told you so" nature not meant to be malicious. And so I went willingly and did get hurt. It was an education--a sad instance of teaching not wanted, but in hindsight, needed. I was humbled by it and I have seen things in a different light and through the eyes of others.

So as I had to close that door, so too do I have to close another for the last time. There are no ways around the obvious. I need to pick up the physical elements of the life I've been surrounded by for the last decade-plus and put an end to a charade that suits no one and makes neither person happy. My marriage is over; there is no point to pretend that there could ever be any kind of reconciliation; I am not happy--I am not willing to trust as she is not willing to trust. We have grown too far apart, done too many hurtful things and will not meet one another halfway. So this is acceptance. I concede that it cannot be saved; cannot be worked on or a goal of reconciliation worked toward. I see it. I know it. I feel it. I will not look away from the truth. There is no love left here.

Letting go is the obvious. I let go of one person because I knew it would not last and there would only be more unhappiness; yes, there are some residual feelings still inside me, but as time passes, so do the emotions that may linger. With my marriage, it is a very clear statement that while I have to let go completely, there has to be a physical separation in order to achieve peace--certainly, peace of mind for me. A change of job, a change of address--these physical and very real elements would suit me completely. I cannot stay on the treadmill of wanting to insure her safety and comfort: i.e. making sure she remains on my medical coverage, having a place to live, paying her credit card bills. I can no longer be responsible for her life. If this must end, then it must end in total.

I didn't want to be viewed as "the bad guy" by cutting her out of my life in this manner, but I no longer am concerned with how people see me and that isn't being belligerent. Why, in all good conscience and sense, should I continue to keep my life on hold for someone who isn't doing anything to correct her end of a bad situation? I am not a victim--let that be clear--but let it be said that I didn't cause this entire overturning of our life. It goes back two years; it was her actions that caused everything that happened in its wake. She is someone who I no longer know, replaced by a being that I frankly do not like nor want in my life. She is a stranger that I have no reason nor desire to get to know. She has made herself distant from me on all levels; it is blatantly obvious, so why am I to be the better person and allow her to remain in my orbit? I am not a masochist nor am I clinging to her. If it has to be made clear, at this moment for necessity's sake, I have never relied on her for anything, so how is she my responsibility? We are adults and have to take hold of ourselves and the things we do with our lives.

The apologist

2010-10-14T11:35:00.006-04:00

Forgive the sarcastic title; I have these moments where I veer from understanding and truly feeling enlightened over to contempt, repressed anger and a need to be brutal in my honesty so I can yet again purge all the negatives that linger in me. Thus I say from the outset, I'm not sorry. I have nothing to be sorry for any longer. It's another form of release. I no longer feel any sense of guilt over anything. I have shouldered and dealt with the things I am responsible for and that is all I will carry. I have looked long and hard over the mistakes I have made; I have circled them, noted them and subsequently will not make them again. I have seen the list of the elements in my life that make me happy and equally unhappy--one set to be polished and cared for, the other set to be discarded and heaped on a bonfire.

I change, it seems, from day to day. I don't mind admitting this one iota. Obviously, in this time, the changes are from the turbulence I've been experiencing and I am suspicious and cautious as to the "movements" (if you will) of others and me treading near those same waters in any way--I have my own "danger ahead" signs posted everywhere. You know, me first--I have to keep complete protection of myself from everyone. It isn't paranoia; it isn't fear--it's the wisdom of time, distance, separation, negation, re-evaluation and extrication. I have had to face some very cruel and painful realities about a few people I have loved and the impact their actions have had on me. And to every action is a reaction.

I don't think of myself being connected to anyone at this time, save for maybe one or two people. I see myself as being a good, safe distance from people--"friends"--as my doubt of their sincerity is at an all-time high. All I think when someone calls is "what do they want from me?". Suspicion heightens and sharpens my senses. And not wanting to make ANY investments in anyone or any kind of "relationships" means I can look long and hard at anyone who calls on me. I've come back to believing in nothing as far as other people are concerned. That doesn't make me feel high and mighty or superior; I just know that the only one looking out for me is me.

There is no crime nor anything negative about putting one's self front and center after experiences like the ones I just had. It means you're able to stop, take stock and re-evaluate where you've been, who you've been, who you want to become and where you want and need to go. You're able to see the kind of people you want to have around you, the kind of people you want out of your life and the kinds of people you want to avoid completely.

What do I want?

2010-10-13T16:13:00.008-04:00

A to-the-point shopping list of what I want, now that the cobwebs and deitritus have been collected and swept aside:

- A new job. Two years doing what I've been doing is long enough. I want more money, more responsibility and less micro-managing for the most arcane of duties. I am a professional; I intend to return to that sector.

- My body to heal and regain its strength after the stresses, emotional strains and unnecessary excesses, etc. This is a slow process and I know patience is not one of my strongest suits, but I am learning and am going with the flow. The 4-days-a-week-at-the-gym is slowly starting to pay off, as is the change of diet.

- The focus to record and complete an album's worth of material I am not only satisfied by but actually happy with. I need to remain with my vision in tact and to not allow distractions to come along.

- Someone to share the ensuing good things with that isn't damaged beyond repair; someone who doesn't feel it necessary to lie about everything; someone who isn't needy, someone who will show me equal respect--all in all, a pretty tall order. A nice, decent, attractive woman like that doesn't exist. And I am not exactly going to go out of my way to be some faux-nice/sensitive guy. So it may take a while to shop for that...

- The pleasure of time for myself; if I want to be alone with a book or watch TV or see friends, then I can do so. I like my down time and more so, my autonomy. I don't like forced obligation. Now that my decks are clear, I am not under anyone's servitude.

- A new apartment. I think it is time to move out and into my own space again. Something all mine. I am indebted to no one and have no one else's needs to consider but my own.

- Most importantly, the ability to maintain my sense of rationality, composure, diplomacy and all the elements that make me who I am. I will never question those gifts nor let them be shaken or compromised. I will use all that I have learned to keep myself in complete balance, rather than willingly be fooled by anyone again. We all make mistakes--we all learn lessons. I have now had my one; I have seen how and where I went wrong--I forgot how to say "no". So I will not repeat that error. Nor will I ever believe anything even those closest to me may say--unfortunately it's nearly impossible to discount the notion that everyone is pretty much full of shit.

All that I want are simple, direct and no frills improvements in my triumvirate of mind/spirit/body. I have the criteria and most of these items on my shopping list I've already begun to work towards. It falls back under the heading "putting myself first again".

As the man once said, there's nothing wrong with having aspirations--nothing wrong with walking tall... BUT if misfortune deals the consequences, sooner or later, friend... you've got to fall...

...and that could be properly directed at a few fallen angels I know of.

Duty now for the future

2010-10-07T16:42:00.002-04:00

I'm too physically tired for the gym tonight; instead, I will head home to continue tightening up "Wash Away" and "Bed Of Thorns". I don't have to do the laundry; the other sundry things I had to take care of, I did on my lunch hour at work--this now frees me up to concentrate on these new songs. I need at least one night away from the gym so my body can actually rest/heal.

Aside from the tasks at hand, I took another major step in the right direction--partly as a reaction from the summer's events: I called my credit card companies and slashed my credit limits down--one of them, I decreased by $16K, so I never even remotely dance near the edge of that volcano again. I made the folly before and I saved myself from it--there's no point in putting myself in harm's way. I already cancelled one account and put the card in the shredder; all my focus is now on the future--my eye being trained on next year. Furniture, housewares - necessities to re-build and re-establish my life with.

You need to take complete control of your own life; I have that. I've also re-instated my temporarily-on-hold sense of discipline. You know the drill--the only hand you're going to get is the one at the end of your own arm. And I don't want or need anyone helping me. I am quite capable and happiest to do things on my own and for myself; I'm very good at being a self-contained unit.

Which is why I'm still veering towards recording all the song parts myself!

Autumn bugle

2010-10-06T13:13:00.005-04:00

The writing just keeps flowing like an open tap. I've played a few of the new songs to close friends and there seems to be an excitement that I haven't felt since the days of "Well Of Loneliness" and The Punch Line's return to the recording studio in 1991(!). Of those songs, the one everybody keeps pointing at and having the strongest reaction to is "Bed Of Thorns". I think I know why, but it's a great song. I'd be a liar and a phony if I didn't acknowledge that. Soon enough, it'll be heard, but I do agree that "Wash Away" and "Everywhere" are also really good--especially "Wash Away", with its' singalong chorus (think "Texarkana" mixed with "Before You Were Born").

So what to do? Try and do this all myself or get to the one thing I do best? Working with other musicians? It's still up for debate, but I see that in the not-too-distant future.

Once again, it's a full life. Gym tonight (still sore); gym tomorrow night, dinner with friends on Friday--car business on Sat., dinner with friends Sat. night, Sunday gym and that thing I do... Even more intriguing is the upcoming reunion with my old "family" after 9 years; I must say, there are a lot of things to look forward to...

I'm seriously thinking it's time I had a real vacation. I do believe I've earned it.

Look, know, think, learn...

2010-09-28T20:06:00.003-04:00

When one life finishes, another one starts... and so it has. No sooner than things ended, I was surrounded by a great deal of love, affection and protection from the most amazing emotional support system any human being could ever ask or hope for. To my family and friends who have been with me, all I can say is thank you - it goes beyond words but my love and appreciation is with each of you. For that, I am truly blessed. I'm someone who understands the word and concept of "grateful".

Rebuilding is something I've always done and been good at; I don't falter, I don't sit around licking my wounds, I don't believe in feeling sorry for myself. Things happen, sometimes things you don't want. And you have to deal with it. You shake the cobwebs out of your head and you push on through. I'm not going to waste any further time, space or words on a subject that has been rendered meaningless and is dead. When something is over, you just move forward. You never look back.

I am creating--writing, playing, focusing on the one thing everyone presumed (or I let presume) I'd abandoned. No. More than when I was younger, I still have the ability, the skill, the talent, the gift to write and sing. And where there were maybe a handful of random songs hoping to see the light of day, now are a small pile waiting to be sorted through to see which will be amongst the ones recorded first. I am training myself physically; revisiting the discipline I abandoned so recklessly. Spending 4 to 5 times a week in the gym, pushing myself to be healthy, both spiritually and in body. I have the warmth of Sahaja Yoga and the blessings of Krsna; I keep company with good, kind, honest people; I am embraced by those who see me and accept me as I am. I am loved. And where I thought for a moment, I might be dead inside, I was wrong. I am (at this point) reaching a higher awareness than I thought I'd even had before. I am learning and rapidly evolving--in a direction that I'd started to take before derailing myself with my mistakes (and by some of life's circumstances that I had no say in).

My ship has been righted. I am more comfortable in my skin than before; I am more focused and in control of my wants and needs and desires than ever. And I'm walking in the direction I started to once but got away from. That mistake won't happen again. History will not repeat, but new histories are to be written.

Purpose

2010-09-15T16:22:00.021-04:00

Understand, the reason I still blog is an immediate aid to whatever is on/in my mind. I don't think about it; I just sit down and type so I can purge. I know I've said many things over the years that have upset people; I can't apologize. It would be hypocritical. I won't censor myself, either. I don't feel I say anything inappropriate or insulting; I admit my own failures and shortcomings in this very public forum, but if I can't be honest even when I'm writing, then really--what's the point of being honest or writing at all?

This is why I need to write what's been happening here. It chronicles my life at points and it's a useful catalog or roadmap so I don't wind up in the same place over and over.

So here's what I have to say for this moment: I am still painfully sad. I will not deny it. The ending of this last relationship, so suddenly, has been a stunning exercise and has me feeling like I've been brought to my knees. I will not point fingers; I take responsibility for having been the co-star of this story.

The fact is when something that good, however brief, ends, it hurts. It stings. It leaves you bereft of something--clarity, breath, perspective--a host of emotions. I want to scream; I have already cried; my hands have shaken--my mind has been both blank and awash with feelings.

Let me tell you something--I'm a human being and it just doesn't go away overnight. When someone says "oh, just get over it"--would that I could. Don't you think I would love nothing more nor less than to just wash it away? When you care so greatly for someone; when they have brought you joy and injected life and good things back into you; when they make you see things in a different light or for the better--how can you not mourn the loss and feel the pain of when it ends? Who wants to lose that? To not see that someone smiling at you; the way they look at you--how it makes you feel. Like you matter. Like they actually care about you. There is no description for it. It just is. And it doesn't matter the "why"'s or "because"'s of the endings--it's always painful. Just like the fact that it was "only three months". Not many people get to experience that kind of passion and happiness in their lifetime. It wasn't "only".

Yes, life goes on. I'll get over it. But the one thing that no one ever comprehends is that sometimes, there is one person who has that something extra special. She was that one extra special. I won't say she was the "great love" of my life; I don't believe I ever had one; I've had a few that I'll never completely shake off--you never do. And you can add this woman to the list. She is still the light; she brought it back to me.

So, I would be a liar if I said I'm over this. I'm not. It took me a very long time to accept that my marriage was over. I didn't want to; I had to. I was forced to. And that made me angry. It was arbitrary. I resented not having a say in whether or not my marriage could be repaired. I resent not having the opportunity to save or fix the things in my life that don't work or are going awry. I couldn't fix my father. I wouldn't fix the band. I don't know if I could have fixed this latest relationship; there are two very strong-willed people involved, but at the same time, they are two people with a history, an understanding and a better grasp of who the other person is. And God as my witness, if I could ever say I loved another human being, it would be her, with every beat of my currently-ice cold heart. And I would have tried to work things through with her. We deserved that chance at happiness. But it will never happen. I am, unfortunately, a realist.

Nonetheless, the reality is that right now, we are not together and that is hard. I miss her. Pure and simple. I want to cry at moments when I think of stupid, trivial little things we did together. Because it was us. Because we were happy; able to smile and laugh and didn't think about the world around us. That's what new-found relationships are supposed to be like and about. Absolute, pure joy. I miss her. She made me smile. Nothing can diminish that kind of loss.

I'm sure I'll see her. While we actually spoke yesterday in harsh tones, today we chatted via text with a polite distance. It's still too fresh; I'm still too stubborn and proud to admit to her that yes, she did hurt me and no, I won't forgive her. I love her, but I'm still hurting.

She made me love her. I'm glad she did.

I keep being haunted by something she said one night when the future was completely open for us to explore and we were happy. We were in a bar and she said "if you ever meet the woman of your dreams, please don't shut me out of your life". I looked at her, dumbfounded. She completely failed to see that she was it. I had the girl and now I've lost her and there's nothing I can do but to move on and forward. Who's to blame? I don't know. Is anyone? I don't know.

I feel emptier than I ever have before. This is a new form of pain for me. I do not know what this is like. At 45, I can truthfully say that I am frightened of something. I want to not care anymore. I want to not feel anymore. I want to be able to just go forward. At this moment, I feel crippled, angry and I want desperately to be able to walk away on my own from it.

How and why do you think I was able to write "She Is The Light"? Because she was.

And the hits just keep on comin'

2010-09-13T12:59:00.012-04:00

I am haunted by these words:
"Apologies mean nothing when the damage is done
And you can't switch off my loving like you can't switch off the sun"

And even more potently:

"F-U-C-K: is that how you spell "friend" in your dictionary?"

I find it in my heart to question someone who calls you "friend" one moment, "partner" the next and in the aftermath from the end of a romantic cycle, sends you a text in which they seek your absolution. Are we in the world of the emotionally retarded or am I just prone to seeing everything in pure black and white?

Here are the facts: it ended. I heard and accepted that it was over from before the moment the words were uttered. That's all the criteria I need. I understand and absorb the English language well.

But don't text me (dear God, how it's finally come down to this--the impersonal and pointlessly cold manner in which we all conduct ourselves) and say "I'm sorry I disappointed you". Don't be so callous to say "I wish you happiness" and please, show some restraint and dignity: "...and that you don't hate me too much". Don't insult me like that. Pretend for a minute you had a modicum of respect for me.

I cared about this person; somewhere in my being, I'll always care about this person. But I find this action to be childish, shameful and pointless. I would much have preferred silence, at least for a while. Let the dust settle. Let time go by. Let whatever my wounds may have been heal. Don't be this self-serving. For once, it's not about you. This is about me. Me putting myself first again.

I am out of this before it went any further and I'll be grateful for that. This is not the "anger" phase, as most would expect after a break-up. This is me being shown the facts as they revealed themselves and sadly, me having to acknowledge them. As I have said so many times before, there was never any gun to my head. I could have very easily and quickly walked away from it at any time. I was told, I was warned, I was begged to not continue. And I didn't listen. So I share the culpability.

Let me move on and not pretend. That's all I ask. Should the fates decide that we reconnect someday as friends is one thing; just don't test me again--not now.

So Dear Madam Barnum: I resign as clown...

Higher priorities

2010-09-11T08:48:00.005-04:00

It's one thing to work through the heartache of a misguided, fleeting romance. It's another thing, on a far greater scale to stop and think about something more important than yourself. It's the 9th anniversary of what I consider the most horrific day the world has seen in my lifetime. I cannot forget it; I will not forget it. And I will not overlook the brave and selfless men and women who have given their lives for this country since that day.

I also can't help but cry for the fact that this was my parents' wedding anniversary. They were wed in 1952 and remained married until the day my mother died in April, 1989. Now that my father is gone, they are together for the first time on their anniversary in Heaven. I miss them and I feel their loss in ways that I cannot put into words.

Mom & Dad, I love you. I hope you're happily reunited.

Fresh eyes, fresh perspectives

2010-09-10T19:42:00.004-04:00

Two days on and I can see some clear facts: as much as I tried to convince myself that there was a possible future with the special one, I knew in reality we could never survive. We started out unexpectedly and took off instantly. There was never a learning curve, because truly, if you have a long-term plan, the learning curve includes being able to accept and understand your partner's shortcomings, flaws and idiosyncracies. I'm sorry to say that in my heart, I don't think either one of us was able to do that. I had my misgivings and frustrations; my raised eyebrow of skepticism and my inability to trust her completely because of certain things. She, in turn, found many of my own negatives and used them as her cause to end it.

Regardless, the outpouring of love and support from my family and friends has been staggering; it has to be said that with each passing day, the sadness diminishes and I start to think about the things that made me unhappy in the time we were together. It makes me feel good about having had the doubt. Nonetheless, it will never cloud the joy I felt for those three spectacular months.

So sad about us

2010-09-08T17:38:00.001-04:00

It ended with the special someone today. It didn't end as I hoped it would--there were moments of tension and discomfort, but this is what I want to say:

I will always love her. I will look at our brief time together as one of the most beautiful experiences of my (adult) life. I will treasure the memory and the talks, the smiles, the joy, the true happiness I found while we were together. I wish and hope that she will be happy and loved and appreciated and that she finds what is looking for. She is and has always been an amazing woman. I will never regret our time. If I could have written the balance of the story, I would have written a truly happy continuation for us. I never said it to her, but I do love her and I will always love her; it's just now for the mists.

It seems, almost from the beginning, that it really couldn't sustain, so on I go.

Summer's closing and so is the book...

2010-09-06T15:07:00.004-04:00

As I began to say in my last posting, the lyrics have been pouring onto paper: "Pull Down The Walls", "Take It Or Leave It", "Wooden Days", "Novelty" and "Things We Never Said" are now done. All that's left to do is start recording them. Add to that "She Is The Light" and you have half an album of all-new material. The thing is while "She Is The Light" is an open declaration of my love for the special someone, the other four songs represent where I feel we're heading which is to the end.

I can't seem to shake this physical malady and I can't shake the sadness that I've felt with this disconnect between us. It's there--I feel it--and I don't know if I have the wherewithal to fight for something that may not be worth fighting for. Real love is one thing but arbitrary love is another. I will not yield to being subservient in a relationship--if we are not equal, forget it. I can compromise with ease; I cannot kowtow. As loathe as I am to admit this here--but then again, I've come clean about many painful things in this blog--when I came home yesterday from what I consider to be a "weekend gone wrong", I cried for about half an hour trying to make sense of what suddenly has become so taxing and senseless.

So the biggest words in the world become my mantra of the moment: "we'll see". And right now, I don't feel there's any further that we can go; this may have been just a supernova and not a star for the ages.

Re-energized

2010-09-03T12:10:00.004-04:00

Vacation week draws to a close and while I managed to pick up a dreadful summer cold in the process, all in all, I would rate this a success just by virtue of no phone calls or disturbances from the office. Time in my own space and my own head did me a lot of good. I spent a lot of time with the special one; all I can say is we had one day that was what I consider a gift from God. Seriously. I won't even try to explain it; the emotions ran higher and deeper than I could have imagined.

At the moment, I do feel a sense of the opposite; I feel like we reached a height and are now starting a downward spiral, albeit slowly. Maybe it's the fact that we were both tired and run down yesterday and this morning; maybe she's regained her fears--maybe I'm wrong and we aren't walking down the same path. No matter what, I'm truthfully sad right now and I can't talk to her about it because I need to make sure I have the right words in hand.

Yet, because of this somewhat negative turn, I started writing "Pull Down The Walls" and I'm nearly done. If it's because she's inspired me with this sadness, then so be it. I feel better for putting thoughts to paper and then to guitar, but I would prefer her inspiration to be felt from the joy she's injected into my life, not the turbulence her emotional changes wind up dragging me into.

Am I wrong? Probably. Do I know if there truly will be a happier outcome? I doubt it. I confess the doubt, but it's now there.

Excitable boy

2010-08-30T09:30:00.002-04:00

So "She Is The Light" is done; the first pass on lyrics complete with the minor edits needed. The idea for the musical composition is brewing. I am inspired, full-on. The someone I wrote it for and about has given her golden smile of approval.

A vacation from work is so appreciated; time and space away to think and breathe and not feel like I have to take care of someone else's duties. My own time. Pretty precious a commodity...

Happy birthday, Dad

2010-08-20T14:17:00.002-04:00

My dad's birthday was yesterday. He would have been 76. This was obviously difficult to swallow; my emotion's currents change like the waves. I miss him no less than the day he died. And I wish for him to be at peace for his first birthday free of pain and illness.

I was lucky; had I been alone yesterday, I would have probably spent a good portion of the day in tears. Thankfully, after rushing back to Staten Island on a half-day from work to pick up the car, I, the special someone and her adorable daughter went out for lunch, iPhone shopping and for them to adopt a cat, which, happily is the case. A beautiful little 7 month old girl now has a happy, loving home. I spent it with people I love and care about; some of my family called in to check on me which I appreciate to no end.

So, happy birthday, Dad, up there. I love you and I miss you.

Let me roll it

2010-08-17T16:45:00.002-04:00

Okay, so the car is in as of yesterday and due to be finished/picked up tomorrow. Fine, it costs me $500, but it's done expediently. Today and Thursday are my last two physical therapy sessions, then it's back to the consistant hitting of the gym--much like I used to in the beginning days of this blog. The osteopath's report was positive--no MRI necessary; nothing problematic that can't be corrected immediately by diligence and continuing the simple exercises I've learned in physical therapy. Starting to really control my dietary urgencies as well. Discipline again. Add to that, my first public singing in years this past weekend, and you have a good vibe going.

On the other side of the coin, I really miss that certain someone. Even though she's only in the next state for the first few days of this week, there is a void. And when she texts me to say she misses me, I acutely feel it. The sadness is actually rather nice.

Okay, back to work... only an hour to go...

Weekend rewind (take the good and the really bad)

2010-08-08T08:03:00.001-04:00

Without too much fanfare, what started as a fantastic weekend has turned to shit with the fact that someone sideswiped the RAV4 while parked. The rear passenger door has been damaged and I now have to call the insurance and find out the procedures and cost for the repair. Fuck me. I did not expect this but I'm going to take care of it immediately.

Oh well. At least no one was in the car or injured. There is a bright side to it all...

Getting better

2010-07-20T21:05:00.002-04:00

Yes, I have to admit, it's getting better. The time moves along; the fighting subsides and the anger dissipates. Not thinking about it and looking at it from the realistic viewpoint makes it valid. Add to the mix the loving understanding of someone who is as good and kind as there ever was and it makes me feel like it's just another phase in life and a lesson learned.

It doesn't hurt that I just got back from the gym for the first time in a while and pushed myself (I say with some pride); thus, I feel great--albeit hot and tired! I give all credit to that amazing someone who cracked the whip and said hop to it. She's right and I'm grateful to her for the instigation and inspiration. The Muse speaks; I listen... now I should look at the guitar and pen...

Not for the faint hearted, really

2010-07-08T15:34:00.006-04:00

Some random thoughts about divorce and the aftermath of coming to terms with the concept, acting upon it and asking for one and what happens next...

I feel alternate waves of emotions at intervals. There are the feelings of relief and acceptance since it was I who said I wanted to divorce. There are the feelings of anger and pain because I know why I decided on and said I wanted a divorce. There are the feelings of disbelief because it was one of those things that I never thought would happen to me. There are the feelings of loss; it has to be said divorce is like a death. There is a lot of rage in me; this feeling, while not healthy (especially on my body) is at least clearly defined and directed; it is not misguided or misaligned. The persons who caused my pain and hurt and anger are known to those who have stood by me/with me in a show of care and loyalty.

This leads to a sidebar observation: when you have been friends with someone for two decades, it is a stunning blow to think they would actually align themselves with the person who hurt you and destroyed your life together. Then again, I was told (several years ago) that my (so-called) best friend was flirting with/hitting on my (soon-to-be-ex) wife. It was pointed out to me, with no malicious intent but rather as a word of warning and concern. And should I be so shocked when he speaks to her now but won't call me? Think about that for a while. Another extracation from my life. Simply put--she gets the "ex best friend" as part of the divorce.

People can go back and forth, but here are some simple black and white facts: words are words. You can say what you will and take them to heart or you can let them go in the wind. Actions are actions and have consequences and ramifications. I did not at any time take any actions that would be grounds for a divorce. My wife did. You cannot do what she has done twice and not pay for it. She is. And so am I, which is the part of sheer unfairness.

I'm not looking for answers; I don't need to know "why" or "how". I just want "exit" and "the book is now closed". I don't care for excuses (which is all I've been given) and I don't care about what happens next when the end is legalized. The answers are simple: you break the trust and faith--the marriage is over. It's not difficult to understand. Restraint, decency, discipline are all part of what makes a marital bond strong. When one party has none of the above, it all goes to pieces.

Karmic cycles are something I believe in. Now more than ever. Time will sort everything out, but the here and now is very difficult. Believe no one; trust no one--this is how I feel. I am not a victim, that's for sure, but I'm certainly damn angry. The upshot: I could easily pull out of our lease and leave her stuck with the rent. I could let my boss know we're divorcing and why and she would be out of a job and out of medical coverage. I could do all of these things and she knows it--you would think she'd show a little bit of gratitude and a modicum of civility. The clock is ticking and truthfully, with the way things have been, time is running out for her, the same way she forced time to finally run out on us.

More later, as this is just making my queasiness return.

Fireworks (Still Life #7?)

2010-07-02T10:16:00.002-04:00

Another Independence Day comes and this time with a greater poignancy to the concept and in my life. I can say that it feels very good to be in this headspace and feel as I do--at least, certainly for the moment.

I've been at a standstill for far too long, especially when it comes to music. I know I talk about it more often than I actually act upon it, but that ceases now. The new songs are flowing out of me; I know it's a time-consuming process to commit them to the recorded stage, but at the least, they are alive now. I have the inspiration; the fire--the muse. That's all I need.

It's been an interesting and restful week (mostly) away from the office; in the quiet of today, I see a guitar in front of me and I can focus. I don't need to worry as much about my loved one who has been ill.

It's a good thing.

Left from center

2010-06-22T14:42:00.008-04:00

The problem I've been experiencing is the alternates of sides and cycles. One half of me is filled with anger, pain and sadness. The other half is filled with happiness, trepidation, laughter and hesitancy. The two are running parallel with one another. I'll attempt to explain.

One part of your life is over; you end a long-term relationship and try to begin the healing/moving on process. There is no such thing as ease when it happens; try as you might, if you have any kind of soul or sense of feelings, there are going to be emotional torrents. In my case, it's not the break-up of a girlfriend but the end of an actual marriage. Simply put, it isn't as cut-and-dried as one would hope. I invested years, time, belief, faith--in short, everything I had. And she single-handedly (or actually, in the second instance, had a willing accomplice) wiped all of it out.

Yet, an understanding hand and eyes that see you as you are give you hope. I do have that at this moment. I've been in an emotional void for the last two years. I don't think I'm wrong in savoring the warmth of someone who cares about me. I've been alone in a loveless marriage long enough. So I can take solace in the fact that there is someone for me who is real.

The alternates and currents run concurrent with one another and the clashes just continue. But this a process and this is adult life, whether I asked for it or not.

Summertime blues

2010-06-21T13:56:00.003-04:00

First day of the summer solstice; what a way to begin. Someone I love is hospitalized with a serious-enough-for-surgery problem; worry has permeated every corner of my mind, even though she's already on the mend. I'm tired; sluggish--yesterday's first Father's Day without my father was a little rocky. I'd say the last 72 hours have been something of an emotional spin-cycle.

Fortunately, I did have some time on Saturday to work on music, which by all definitions, went well. The first brand-new song in a while, "She Is The Light", came to completion and I'm not surprised, as I'd been feeling (oddly enough) inspired. Considering I should be writing things in the vein of "Your Dictionary" (a masterpiece--thank you, Mr. Partridge), I opted to write something real; something personal. You'll have to wait until it's recorded, so sit down and shut up.

I don't know--being words-y now is something a bit alien to me. It's been a quieter time. While I can't see it as bad, it is interesting.

Splinters

2010-06-11T14:27:00.009-04:00

There comes a point when something no longer works. A radio; a car; the human body. And sometimes relationships don't work. The idea of divorce is something loathsome to me and yet, I find myself saying aloud the words I never wanted to speak: "I want a divorce"--and I am getting one. Liz and I are now officially separated--this was my call and my emphatic decision. It is never easy going public with these kinds of revelations; you are under scrutiny from that moment forward--you start to feel someone wants to say "you are a failure". You don't want that scar; that blight upon you. I never wanted to be like everyone else--or so it seems. And yet, most of my friends, who are of my age are divorced or getting divorced and it's unsettling.

To a great extent, I think that's part of the reason why I stayed much longer than I should have in this marriage. You may hit a rough patch, but then you're supposed to work it out. You don't just give up with a shrug of the shoulders. If I had done that, it would be an admittance of defeat. But then, how long do you stay when you've already reached the endpoint of unhappiness? A divorce is a badge of dishonor, but it's also a saving grace when you can't feel anything for that person you once thought you felt something for. Sometimes you have to say "I've fought the good fight, but I can't fight anymore; I don't believe it's worth fighting for any longer".

It's very sad, if there's one emotion I can ascribe to this. But I came to the decision and I'm acting on it. Someone had to stand up and say this is no good. It's one thing to leave a band; it's one thing to leave a job--even to leave a career behind. But it is not easy to leave a marriage. I'd been married to Liz for 11-plus years. I couldn't see being married to her for even one more. It had to end. Lies, distrust, distance, coldness--all of it poisoned the relationship. And in trying to keep a grasp on knowing exactly what to do and how to do it, I wound up doing and saying all the things I didn't want to. I do apologize; I'm human. I'm angry and frustrated and tired of having been seen as an idiot for putting up with an empty performance for the last two years. Without going into too much detail I will divulge this: the final straw was her not being home with me the night my father died. I cannot nor will I ever forgive it.

At least I've made the necessary leaps forward of acceptance that I am now, albeit not legally yet, an "ex-husband". I've changed my will, etc.; I've removed her name wherever it may have been aligned with me, etc. She is an "ex-wife". We do not have children; our money has always been separate and we can now turn and walk away. I had a life before she came along; I am already finding the path to my own again and so far, it has been very sweet and enlightened. That isn't to say that we didn't have some happy moments; we did. It just wasn't meant to be any more than it was.

It's been a turbulent time, there's no question of that. In the same week of my father's passing came the end of my marriage and now maybe the rest of things will be more harmonious and joyful.

I would like to not be embittered by all this; I think the bitterness has already been digested over the last two years.

Junebug

2010-06-04T15:24:00.002-04:00

Heat. Already at points oppressive. Keeps my mind from being as creative as I had been. Nontheless, the oncoming weekend points to the possibility of getting back on track with the album. That and seeing friends. Being sociable is like re-learning how to ride a bike.

Little things like the upkeep of this blog makes me think, process and write--it's a joyful balance.

From setting sons to risen demi-gods...

2010-05-26T14:44:00.002-04:00

I'm not one to wax nostalgic and I'm well-known enough that everyone knows what an enormous role Paul Weller played in my formative years, both musically and on a stronger, cultural level. So to see him on stage with Bruce Foxton after 28 years apart and playing "The Eton Rifles" makes me think two things: "I never thought I'd live to see this" and "what the fuck?". I can't help but take both approaches. The Jam were the most important band in the world (after The Beatles and The Who) and their late-1982 split was a blow to 17-year-old me. I got used to the pain of the loss (and overcame the nausea that was The Style Council), but this is a kick in the balls, both good and bad. I want to keep the memory of the younger Foxton and Weller as they were. I know it's a one off, but shit...

Being the massive hypocrite that I am, naturally, I'll eat these words should The Punch Line get back together again. But at least I won't stand around, posturing on the notion. I'll just do it. And it wouldn't take me 28 fucking years to do it, either.

Louis Ross 1934 -2010

2010-05-13T00:22:00.004-04:00

My father died tonight.

He passed away quietly in his sleep at the nursing home at 10 p.m. They called to tell me and to let me know that the cremation service were on their way. Everyone has been kind and patient and helpful, even though we knew that this was going to happen. My mother's family came to see my father over this past weekend to say their goodbyes.

I had said my goodbyes every time I saw him this past week. I could go on and write--and I will at a later time--but this is what I want to say.

I loved him. I respected him. He was my friend. I was proud of him and proud to be his son. He was my father and no finer a man will I ever know.

Goodbye, Dad. Thank you for everything. I will miss you for the rest of my life.

Art of dying

2010-05-07T21:28:00.002-04:00

On Wednesday, I received the news that my father has two weeks - if that long - left to live. Try as I have to prepare myself for this over the last four years (when he was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's), it's been all for nothing. The reality; the finality is here and I am alternately devastated and angry beyond words that he has been robbed of everything--his motor skills; his ability to breathe; his mind and his sight. Emphysema is what will end his life; pneumonia and the subsequent fever and infection that is shutting his kidneys down will be what robs me now of my father. He has deserved so much better than this and I am enraged by life's cruelties.

I go to the nursing home and sit with him and talk to him. He can barely hear or comprehend me. I leave in a blinded state of tears mixed with fury.

Every time the phone rings, my heart sinks. I know the phone call is coming. No longer if but when. Now it's all about waiting.

One wonders...

2010-05-01T17:07:00.002-04:00

...why do logical adults like myself get so frothed up by something as insipid as Facebook? For the last hour, I've found myself irritated to no end by the confusing manner in which they've changed the layout, so you no longer know where your "groups" and "fan pages" (hence referred to as "likes") have disappeared to. Just because I like cats doesn't mean I want to be auto-linked to "species".

Got the new Les Paul Special. And as hoped, a new song came along with it. "Alchemy" is a bit of a departure for me. I can't recall having written a groove/boogie-based track like this. Has a great '70's feel to it. I'm digging where I'm going.

And speaking of which, everyone should be going tomorrow, weather permitting, to the Hoboken Music and Arts Festival. It should be a blast.

Weekend rewind (musings and bemusement)

2010-04-18T14:26:00.004-04:00

In keeping with the mindset to get going on Last Stop..., I threw down for a new Epiphone Les Paul Special TV Yellow guitar. Everyone is going to scream "wannabe" at me since my two gurus, Messrs. Barone and Holsapple, use the same item. Okay--your point is? Mr. Barone uses the real thing--the Gibson model. Mr. Holsapple uses the Epiphone Les Paul Junior. This one is in-between. And I'm deserving of joining their company.

I need the inspiration.

I feel like I'm on an emotional treadmill right now. Things at home and in my creative life are fine and good and positive. It's the day-to-day that both irritates and flusters me. I need more. I need better.

Then again, don't we all?

Week in review (afterglow...)

2010-04-11T17:28:00.003-04:00

More often than not, I'd say that the last week was forgettable as there were so many negatives to cloud the last seven days, but I'd prefer to flip it around.

The tail end of the prior week saw me getting a call from my dad's assisted-living facility, to let me know he was being taken to the hospital for observation and assessment and "you may want to think about finding him a nursing home". Less than 72 hours later, I find out that his doctor from the A-L facility had already sent a letter to the hospital saying he would not be accepted back. After some quick thinking and high-powered telephoning and a wonderful amount of help from the hospital, we had him set up and ready to move to a nursing home so close to our apartment, we could walk it if we wanted to. He's there; he's safe and under 24 hour a day treatment/care, which is far more reassuring than him going back to that nightmare of an assisted-living home.

The work week was grueling and aggravating enough. I won't even bother.

Friday night was my annual Richard Barone-at-Joe's Pub; this time I met up with a dear friend and we had a great evening. As always, a great show--fantastic music and warmth. Had the opportunity to talk with Richard, Bongos bassist Rob Norris and Randy Jones, the legendary "cowboy" from the Village People, who was as warm and nice as anyone I've met in years. Just an amazing night. Yesterday was spent checking in on Dad, groceries and watching movies. Today we were out the door at 10 to go to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden for the cherry blossom festival--absolutely breathtaking. Such a perfect way to spend our Sunday morning together.

So as I said, better to go with the flow of good things, because I still have the glow....

Roll on spring!

2010-03-20T18:47:00.002-04:00

A happy vernal equinox to all! The first day of my favorite season; a time when everything begins anew--I never bought into the whole "start of another new year" idea. Spring is when things come alive. I tend to, anyway.

Today is no exception. Up at 5; out the door by 7:30 to take the car for the seasonal oil change; off to get a shave and a haircut; Target run, groceries, delicious lunch with my favorite humor-scribe, Le Fig, grocery shop, visit my father and home to hang up this week's prize--a "Yesterday... & Today" butcher cover poster in Synchronic East. Tomorrow gym, bowling, Starbucks and some recording time.

Revived and refreshed by the warm weather. I can't ask for better.

Reasons why are plentiful

2010-03-09T20:06:00.003-05:00

www.theatlantic.com/culture/archive/2010/03/no-one-listens-to-albums-anymore-whats-next/37143/

The above link is a somewhat interesting viewpoint on why no one bothers to listen to full albums anymore. He doesn't wax poetic and only mildly nostalgic on what albums (or, of course, full length CD's) used to mean.

I, by virtue of age and knowledge, can say simply: no one listens to albums anymore because no one releases full-length works of cohesiveness like they used to. The lack of quality artists is the most scathing indictment. And younger people, who are the "demographic" of the music industry, have shorter attention spans than ever. Kids today don't look upon music as a vital element of life; music is just a fashion accessory--disposable and faceless. While it may sadden me (especially me), I believe this to be the simple case and fact. Younger people would rather indulge in video games, texting and the like.

I can ruminate on this for hours, but just read the article and think about it for a while. Mull it over and get back to me...

The march of times

2010-03-03T16:58:00.002-05:00

As the snows came and went, all I could think was "it'll all be over soon--we're finally in March". I keep telling myself this in the hope that it will get warmer and less schizophrenic. I am not a fan of wearing Timberland boots on a daily basis; I'm sick of being over-bundled by scarves and gloves, etc.

But enough grousing. A gym/groceries/Starbucks/Target/chores weekend will give way to studio time--recently refurbished and festooned with some "musical" vibes, if you will. Makes it even cozier to be creative in. "Things We Never Said" is... well, it just is and you'll know what I mean when it premieres in June (I think). As lazy as I've been and planning/re-planning/scrapping, etc., I'm still going to do this album because I want to. No other reason.

That's good enough criteria.

Weekend rewind (and then some)

2010-02-23T20:16:00.002-05:00

Fantastic weekend, if you consider the trivialities of doing housework, running errands and the like to be "fantastic"--that's how I define this past weekend by virtue of feeling accomplished. Not lingering in the apartment after Liz left for work on Saturday morning and getting the laundry finished by 9 was the start. Stopping off to get my haircut and having them do it right made me feel, for all intents and purposes, like a million dollars. A solid night's sleep (by going to bed at 9:15 and getting up at 4:15!) didn't hurt either. And the pleasure of having Liz home on Sunday gave us the chance to have a good, old-fashioned "suburban" day (her phrase), which meant fun jaunts to Starbucks, Target, the mall and a visit to my father. All in all, stress-free, full of laughs and a comfortable two days of sunshine.

With that being said, it's the simpler joys in my life that have been keeping me focused and getting my thing completely together again.

Home again and again

2010-02-09T15:29:00.003-05:00

The doldrums of February are usually filled with a resounding ecch; for me, at least this year, not so much. You can say what you will about the likes of Facebook, but once again, it has reconnected me with another once-lost friend, with whom I spent a few hours last night, drinking wine, talking, catching up and comparing notes of one another's lives since we last saw one another. Could it have been a more perfect evening? No. To be able to talk without distraction of noise or chaos; to be able to listen and hear one another and walk on the same adult plane; to share many of the same opinions is a reassuring and comforting feeling. Knowing that although time and circumstances have changed and we've grown older, we still see so many things the same.

We're waiting for 2 feet of snow to drop. Yeah, right. Just like this past weekend. Much ado about nothing.

At least I have plenty to keep me occupied in case it happens. Enough healthy food, coffee and the warmth of a comfortable home.

Weekend rewind (where do we go from here?)

2010-01-31T10:55:00.002-05:00

Been feeling ill off-and-on this week, so I'll keep this brief. Nothing doing in making music; I'm just not focused on it at the moment. Not the end of the world, nor is it a cause for frustration. Sometimes limbo can be a calming feeling, leading to readjustment.

Watched a minute's worth of the State of The Union address. I feel, at this point, we've been had again. Should I be shocked? No. But I do feel contempt for this administration for their ham-handed way of handling everything. I don't want to hear the excuse of them having to clean up Bush's mess. They knew the minute the election was over that they had to be ready and subsequently, they've done nothing. Except pushing an agenda (that is dangerous and murky) as a means of subterfuge because they don't have a plan for the economy or getting the troops out of Iraq. I will say no more than this as I don't wish to offend anyone, but at the same time, I'm not going to quietly be aggravated by sheep-like support for something that's morally outrageous. We went from one horrific extreme to one of complete ineptitude.

January is usually an ecch-kind of month. And so it goes.

45

2010-01-07T15:04:00.003-05:00

I have to admit, this is a pretty interesting number to reach in age. For a start, it's the r.p.m. of the now-defunct "single", the musical medium I grew up with. It's the title of and subject matter for an Elvis Costello song. And it was the jersey number of my boyhood hero and favorite baseball player. So now I'm at this juncture.

I can somewhat remember writing on this blog when I turned 40. I don't feel the same as I did--not a lot, anyway. And yet, here I am, ruminating on my birthday that it feels like any other day. Nothing special, save for the very kind thoughts, words and wishes from my family and friends who have taken the time. And honestly, I think it's the only thing that matters at this point.

So with that quick observation, I can claim 45 as my own number for at least the next 364 days.

Another brand new start

2010-01-01T17:47:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year to all of you; may it be filled with peace and joy.

At least 2010 begins on positive notes for me; having prepped last night for an evening's cooking and watching movies with Liz, I can say we rang in the start of this year on a low-key and laugh-filled note. Phone calls from family and old friends was a nice touch. A rare moment of consuming an entire bottle of wine didn't cause me any drunkenness or discomfort and dinner was a rousing and delicious success (not that my culinary skills could ever be called into question). A quick ride to get fresh air, Starbucks and a nice, light lunch and we're in to relax and spend this last day together in the quiet and calm of home. She has to be at work tomorrow; I have groceries to buy and into the city to see an old friend, then rest up Sunday as my two-week vacation from my day job officially ends.

If my hand doesn't give me any problems, I would like to continue the recording on Sunday just to have some more structure for the two songs begun in this time off. An early visit to the gym will certainly clear my head to focus on the afternoon and I don't think a night of watching football will kill me.

However far I get with recording this album early on, I don't know. But it feels very good and promising that I do have that drive again to complete this--for no other reason but for my own good. There are the possibilities of playing with other musicians and I am very warm to this idea. There are a few shows that already have piqued my interest and new avenues to explore creatively.

So I wave off 2009 with a quick gesture; it wasn't a bad year--thankfully, not for me, at least--but it wasn't a year filled with wonderful memories. I look at it more as a transitional year. A friend of mine called 2009 a "year of survival". I can only hope that this new year will be a warmer, less uncertain year. As I'm sure everyone else does.

Call me No. 5

2009-12-21T09:52:00.003-05:00

Five years (and I'm not referring to David Bowie's song). That's how long I've been doing this blog. Amazing. I can ruminate on how I felt (and still feel) about certain things, but that would be slightly draining. I know this much--and I'm not including the opinions of those closest to me-- I have changed tremendously since I began this and it's all for the better. How can you not evolve in five years--or not want to?

I still look at this blog as a release; a place to clear my mind in a cohesive fashion and a forum that's mine alone to ruminate, reflect and rant when the time and mood is there. It's been a comfort zone and an enormously helpful place to self-edit.

I've been recording these last few days away from the office on this well-deserved two week break, but since I don't play guitar as much I had, my hands--specifically, my fingertips--have gotten soft and it's physically painful to play at lengthy stretches i.e. when doing take after take of songs. Nonetheless, I do intend to plow forth and keep at it until I have tracks that I feel qualify as publicly worthy of hearing.

It would be nice to do something different or new in 2010, musically speaking. I've spoken with friends about playing in a band setting and it isn't out of the realm of possibilities. I've had a long enough hiatus from such a situation, so I'm not averse to doing it again. And I would like to continue refining my producer's skills. I know that I still have the knack (or gift, as one dear friend refers to it) as a songwriter, so that will continue as it always has.

So with the breathing space afforded by not having to be at work, I look forward to mornings at the gym, a visit to Ikea, a breakfast date and hopefully seeing friends and catching up while the time is available.

And so here's to another year...

A chilling reminder

2009-12-06T10:59:00.003-05:00

Twenty nine years ago this week, I was reminded that our lives were changed forever and not for the better. While driving this morning, I turned on "Breakfast With The Beatles" (the brilliant show on XM, hosted by the equally brilliant Chris Carter) and heard the actual WNEW-FM broadcast announcing the murder of John Lennon. Listening to the raw emotion of Vin Scelsa's voice was eerie and disturbing. And it still bothers a never-healed wound.

As it's been well-known, I didn't hear the news until I woke up the next morning. Hindsight is 20/20 and it's just as well that I didn't. Hearing it all now (and at this time each year since) just fills me with that feeling of loss I had then and the anger that I don't think will ever go away--at least not for anyone who was a fan or "student" or scholar of The Beatles.

I have had so many conversations over the years about "if Lennon had lived, would The Beatles have ever gotten back together"? I used to say yes--especially when Live Aid happened, etc. But the short and succinct answer is we'll just never know.

He was quiet for five years and then he re-emerged from his self-imposed exile. He recorded and released a new album and then... tomorrow never knows.

Give thanks Part 5 (post turkey)

2009-11-29T07:28:00.002-05:00

A sunny Sunday morning seems to be the best time for a quick post. Liz is already en route to work; I'm on my second cup of coffee (a bit on that later) and an idea to write down some thoughts.

Thanksgiving was wonderful; perfect in just about every way. A quiet day for the two of us; we cooked as a team and the meal was glorious, including the post-dinner snooze. Watched a few movies and enjoyed the time together as she had to be at work on Friday morning. I ran a few errands and spent the last two days just relaxing and not driving myself crazy with anything. As always, I'm thankful for Liz, my family, my friends, my health, our home (this month started our renewed two-year lease) and the general joys that comprise my life.

Been dieting and losing weight slowly but steadily; on weekends, I've been drinking "lite" coffee, which is a half regular/half decaf blend and it's helped when I sleep. Plus, "low fat", "non fat" and "sugar free" have become staples of my diet.

There are only three weeks until work closes for a two week holiday, which I am chomping at the bit for. I have a few projects for the first two or three days of the vacation and then it's time to dive headfirst into recording.

With that said, it's time to git to gittin'...

Seen it all before...

2009-11-04T19:12:00.002-05:00

Post Election Day and I feel as apathetic as everyone else. Another election where most people I know voted for the ever-lovin' "lesser of two evils". Truth be told, I'm at an absolute standstill; the President and his administration have done a whole lot of nothing since taking office, with the exception of constantly being on television and not being at the White House, working. The New York City mayoral campaign was no surprise and for my friends and family in New Jersey, all I can say is it was a no-win for anyone. Politicians will never get it. But hopefully those of us who do vote regularly have made it crystal clear to our elected officials "if you do not do the job you were voted in for, you will be voted out as soon as you are up for re-election. You will be unemployed instead". That should be sufficient.

Okay, enough posturing. Back to tuning the Washburn. I have work to do this Saturday.

For the moment

2009-10-31T18:37:00.005-04:00

Another week in which I battled (yet again) a cold, missing a fun party at Joe's Pub last night. A day to run the necessary errands--I await an open clothes dryer as I type this. Tomorrow is gym, bowling and visit my father.

The main thing is starting next Saturday, I am completely fixing my energies on recording. I've felt like a dumbshit for having been so lax about getting work done. Thus, I plan each night to tune the guitars, set the levels on the 8 track and have everything set so I can just turn on the power and start recording on Saturday morning. I am inspired and have been so thanks to the many friends who have recently cajoled and encouraged me to make music. What excuses could I possibly have anymore? None. So it's time to shut up, tune up and get to work.

Weekend rewind (living in a space jungle...)

2009-10-24T21:06:00.004-04:00

Ample time to recover from Thurdsay night's splendor. Up to Maxwell's for dinner, drinks and The Bongos. Could I ask for better? No.

Running errands on a rare Friday off; haircut, beard shaved, grocery shop and a quick stop at Macy's gets things wrapped up early. Saturday's rain brought us to Golden's for a fab lunch, a Target run and home to watch movies. Sunday equals bowling morning and a visit to my father.

While this is a short posting, it's simple to say it's been a great week.

Weekend rewind (are we already in a throwback state of mind?)

2009-10-11T05:53:00.004-04:00

In these very early morning hours on a Sunday, what better to do? My second cup of coffee, a rerun of "Clean House" (love this show!) and a chance to think a bit in the quiet while Liz is still asleep.

Having gotten our flu shots last week (on the heels of being as sick as we both had been), time just seems to be steamrolling. Nearing the end of the year and it's a little overwhelming how much things have sped right by. Just yesterday (philosophically speaking), we were seeing Richard Barone on a Friday night at Joe's Pub and now we're seeing The Bongos at Maxwell's next week. Bought two guitars at the beginning of the year and wound up paying off the credit card in full by mid-July--haven't fallen back on bad habits with spending; money going back into the bank and now I'm ready to record. The small things have added up in this definite year of transition.

I have to admit, after so many months of Liz not being around on weekends, it's both strange and nice to have her home, where we can do our old routines. It's great; I've missed it.

Having said that, I'm ready to now head to the gym and then bowling.

Ugh

2009-09-27T14:38:00.003-04:00

A brief entry. Sick as a dog. I don't know how or what made me ill, but three days of fever, chest pains and coughing and I'm both flustered and going stir crazy. Been in the house since I left work Friday and haven't had the energy for anything. I'd have preferred to go to the gym to try to work this out of my system but I don't have the strength. Even the idea of driving to get more cold remedies, etc. made me shudder.

I need more sleep.

Time and age... what a swine

2009-09-19T06:58:00.004-04:00

Still not re-adjusted to having to wear glasses again. Mostly for reading and for things up close, but I haven't worn eyeglasses in 13 years. The doctor said it's unfortunately all part of time and age. So be it. Add to that the follow-up with the dentist. Hmmm... finally getting my act together for the good of my health, I suppose.

Seeing a dear friend this week; nothing much going on, as it's been busy (work-wise) and I've begun to stir again musically. Nonetheless, been a pretty inspired period. More later...

Only a memory but some good ones

2009-09-05T11:43:00.005-04:00

I recently heard from an old friend who I hadn't seen or spoken to in a while; I'd given her The Punch Line CD the last time I saw her and this was the first time we'd spoken since; she didn't even know that the group had ceased to exist again. She expressed her joy and surprise at what she heard and asked endless questions about the album. The conversation led me to sit down and in a quiet moment, listen to the CD in its' entirety for the first time in years. Here's what I can say afterwards:

a) Given what we had to work with--i.e. no money, a self-built recording studio and precious little time to rehearse and gel as a band when we began the process, it's a great record. Part of the beauty of it is the songs themselves; by and large, they are strong, so it cuts through any questionable elements. I will say that although I am disappointed by some of the songs or the performances; overall, I'm satisfied that it turned out as well as it did.

b) My displeasure is strictly from nuances that only I would hear or know--a bass line that didn't equate what I wanted from the demo; a vocal that could have been better or (in my mind) the fact that "Bitter Sweet" should have been left off the album since the songs needs a horn section and didn't have it--that's as strong a criticism that I can level. It's the perfectionist part of me that hears these things and the desire to get every track "right". Okay, it didn't happen like that, but who ever really gets an album 100% right all of the time?

c) The energy of the performances by the three of us convey pretty heavily--at least I think so. There is some dynamic power and tension that cuts right through and makes the album (dare I say) exciting. Listen to "Wild Skies" or "Beauty Lies"--a musical steamroller. Or the ramshackle, freewheeling vibe of "Someone". The thrust is there.

d) It's like comparing apples to oranges, I know, but this version of The Punch Line seemed to be able to get to work (under the time constraints that we worked with from the outset) and get an album done. The ideas did flow in a team effort and unlike the original line-up, this one completed the album, of which I'm proud of the three members. When it was working, it made for a great atmosphere. In the process of song selection, there were no arguments, only valid discussions on what would fit the tenor of the album, etc.--none of the old tensions that marred the original band.

e) If you put aside the fact of the songs being so old at the time they were finally (re)recorded, they work well together as a "readable" album. And as Chris (I think) once pointed out, it was obviously designed and laid out as an "album" as opposed to a CD, so you can see the thematic unity between the envisioned sides one and two.

So the conversation was a worthwhile moment for me to go back and revisit something that I decried for a long time. I'll be the first to admit I used to talk smack about the album and the band, but no one doesn't talk shit. It's part of life. Sometimes even I get drawn into playing silly kids' games that I shouldn't, especially since I'm smarter/better than that, but I do make mistakes, for which I apologize. But the bottom line is I'm damned proud, three years after it ended, of both that album and the band members. It was a joy to do it, closer to the "right" way. And who knows--if the opportunity ever came up to make music together again, who says it couldn't be even better? I've said many times that a second Punch Line album would have been the right tonic as finally, the songs would have been new, not the "falling back on catalog", but who's responsible for that? Yes, I am. No one's to blame, rather, they're all to be commended for a good job under tight circumstances.

Time does a good job of straightening out sometimes-skewed scenarios.

There goes your nondescript summer...

2009-08-29T01:32:00.002-04:00

The end of August already... wow. Time and life just seem to go faster and faster... First and foremost, let me rant a moment, thanks to something that recent caught my eye while changing channels and as a lead in to one of the few T.V. shows, I like, Chelsea Lately... Congratulations once again, E! for playing to the lowest common denominator with another show starring the ugly Kardashian whores. Christ. What is with this country, that channel and those women?

Okay. I feel cleansed. I'm having dental aggravations again, not dissimilar to the one I had three years ago. Right now, it's only three days and I started using that Orabase gel-paste. If the pain doesn't subside by Monday (between using that and Advil), I won't waste further time and call the dentist in an emergency, even though I'm due back for my cleaning on September 21. Ugh.

I obviously can't sleep, but I'm planning on studio time starting at 9 a.m. today, so we're finally back in business. It hasn't hurt, being inspired by seeing The Beatles Anthology on VH-1 (even though I've owned it since it came out in '96). Between that and the renewed love affair with R.E.M. and I feel the rush coming on.

Sunday a.m. sees a trip to the gym and if I'm up for it, brunch with Master Ro. All in all, a nicely laid out weekend, considering the days are supposed to be wet and gloomy...

Now to find something to read so I can catch just a few more z's.

Last man standing?

2009-08-04T15:30:00.004-04:00

Seems like the blogging world is shrinking... no matter. It still does me good; I can refine my own thoughts while on here, purging.

Ever since the bills have been paid off and the focus has been on saving and change, I feel a lightness that's long-eluded me. It's made the last few weeks so much more palatable. I'm back in a groove that I haven't had in a few years--sometimes I don't mind stepping back in order to move forward.

This includes making "new" music; while I'll be the first one to admit that I'm lazy and hard to motivate when it comes to recording without a specific deadline or reason, I still love doing it when I move my ass. I couldn't begin to tell you when Last Stop... will be done and ready, but hey--half the battle's won by at least having the artwork good to go. But I am serious and focused when it comes to making "Rose Tattoo" as good as possible--I want it to be a standout; I admit I like this song a lot and it excites me.

Next week, we're heading to A.C. for a few days of R&R, sun, sea, drink and good times. For anyone who thinks I don't know how to wind out and enjoy myself, fuck you. Ha ha ha.

The balance of this weekend, etc. will be gym, tending to the apartment and generally prepping for our drive. So with all that in my hands, time to say "later, kids"...

Breathe... again

2009-07-11T03:36:00.003-04:00

Freedom from debt is a wonderful, exhilarating thing. I can say it wasn't an easy decision; to carve my bank account in half so I could rid myself of the credit card albatross (albeit one card only), but I can pay myself back without feeling pressure. The car payments have never been difficult--only the one damned card. And now it's done. I can pay myself back and not lose money but regain.

This weekend shapes up to be vintage. Gym, Target, bank, visit Dad, some Bed Bath & Beyond purchases for the apartment; sort through albums and CD's to take to Vintage Vinyl--then record on Sunday. Also finishing my photo project is high on the list.

Suddenly I feel my blood flowing again in a way I hadn't in a while. Liberation...

Fireworks

2009-07-03T10:15:00.002-04:00

I'm off to Atlantic City for the (now-annual) 4th of July jaunt. Can't wait!

I hope everyone has a Happy, fun and safe Independence Day.

Arrogance

2009-06-30T10:53:00.013-04:00

I won't pontificate on the Michael Jackson story. There is nothing to be said; the facts are what they are. With that short and salient point:

Jamie Foxx is an insufferable, arrogant asshole. Period. And he comes off as a racist prick. If anyone saw his spiel/rant on the (predictably transparent) BET awards, he conveniently forgets that a major percentage of his audience, etc. are white people. He's an ignorant douchebag; I've said it before and I'll say it again. Someone please tell me, where is this guy's talent? His performance in Ray was nothing special; I'm sure casting agents could have found someone with more range. People, wise up: don't pay to see this idiot's movies and ignore him. Once he doesn't gain any attention, he may realize he's shot himself in the foot.

And of course, Rev. Al is out there, race pimping, as usual. Should anyone be surprised?

This is going to be a long mourning period (translation: the vultures are circling overhead...).

Quiet

2009-06-27T16:37:00.002-04:00

This has been a quiet, low-key month. Work, nursing home issues have begun to arise and concentrating on making music while keeping the balance. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Nothing exciting or new to report. A weekend getaway is on the cards for next week and beyond that, I can't think too far ahead.

But please stay tuned... within a few weeks, I think there may be something to unveil.