I used to be him

I was talking with a friend of mine earlier about how we are diametrically opposed to who we were when we were younger and if we stop and look/think about it, we really wouldn't like our former selves; in this context, I have to say "why should we?". I wouldn't like the Rob of the age of 20 or 22. The arrogance of a (more likely than not) mis-spent or squandered youth leads me to think the most obvious thing in the world--if you're the same person at 40 as you were at 18, you're a fucking loser. And it's a well-known fact that I do not relate to, nor do I tolerate the rudeness of today's youth; thus, I try to avoid teenagers like the plague. Yet somehow, more than before, I find myself being confronted (at moments, unwillingly) by people who want to continually rehash and re-visit the past, including my own. I find it uncomfortable, not because of anything I have to hide or be ashamed of--on the contrary, I have no secrets nor have I any skeletons. I just think it's foolish and boring to keep going over the same ground. You know, I was there; I lived it and it was great or was a drag at the time--whatever the situation may have been--but that was then. Why is there such a fixation by so many people I know to keep themselves firmly mired in the past? Are you that unhappy with your life? Do you now realize that you pissed your youth away and are only just regretting it and trying to recapture it? It's really sad and at times equally disturbing. If you're still thinking (well, for me) it's 1981 or whenever, you are sadly mistaken.

Living in the past is the most unhealthy thing I know of. Most people I've known through the years--family especially--have this habit. It's a fairly well-known trait of mine that I don't hold water with false sentimentality and I don't yearn for yesterday. It makes me a hypocrite, by virtue of the fact that I'm once again playing in a band and once again playing in The Punch Line. And be it family or friends, I have the same conversations over and over again--and it always starts with "do you remember when...?". How often do you have to smile benignly and nod and repeat the same anecdotes? The only two people I know who use the past as a point of reference and not of reverence are my cousins Valerie and Marc. Like yours truly, they don't romanticize the past; they use it to draw upon past mistakes, current concerns (both of them are parents) and perspective, which appears to be the most forgotten point of referencing days gone by.

Part of the discomfort of the whole "repetition of yesterday" is that it's a blind alley. The conversation doesn't go anywhere and it certainly doesn't tell me anything about who a person is in the here and now. Nostalgia for an age yet to come is one thing, but would someone tell my friends and family that it's time to enter 2005 and whether or not you like it, it's now. If I tell someone "respect me--I'm older than you and you owe me that much", then dammit, don't stand on ceremony--just say you fucked up and we go on from there. If I tell someone "this is how it is, not how it was", then dammit, do what I tell you. I know what's best for me. And so on. All this while I continue to work on The Punch Line's album.

I feel a little nostalgic of certain moments, usually triggered by various pieces of music or perhaps a work of literature or a film. The point is, that's what remembering is for. Moments of time that still mean something of hope or joy or sadness, but it's only a moment and it's over. It isn't meant to be re-lived. At least, not for me. I'd really rather not be equated with the guy in the parka and the Fred Perry's. I was someone else then. Just like I was someone else before I met and married Liz. To me it's always about growth and change.