ManicRobThrill

Monday, March 20, 2017

A prayer for Spring

Let there be sun and warmth; let there be milder winds. 
Let the days become filled with light again and less of darkness and fear. 
Let there be smiles and less tears.
Let there be an absolute instead of uncertainty.
Let there be joy instead of sadness.
Let there be love.

Thursday, March 02, 2017

Changes

Things are rapidly changing and I'm not sure in which direction they are going.  For the last month, life has been unbearable.  I know everything and everyone has to move forward and yes, the universe has to unfold naturally.  But dear God, there are moments I just pray for the absolute end because I don't know how much more I can endure any of this.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Close your eyes and breathe...

I'm very sad right now.  I'm not one to put my emotions out there and say this; I just need to try and get some of these thoughts out. At the moment, my own life is pained and it's a difficult time, but I'm trying very hard to regain my footing and a sense of rationality. I heard that a friend is very ill; another friend is suffering a chronic illness and watching events unfold on the news is more than discouraging. The world is upside down right now and I would dearly love and appreciate a positive, hopeful sign. And if I'm being selfish, I apologize, but I need something positive and good and solid/uplifting to help elevate me into a clearer and "right" frame of mind.

Of course, the 2-year anniversary of my ex-girlfriend's passing is in a few days and that, of course, is unbearable as well.  It doesn't matter how long ago we'd parted company - you can never negate that someone you loved for so long and shared your life with is gone.

The stress is killing me and I'm just praying to turn that positive/hopeful corner.  I live with the slightest notion that things will begin to settle down again and I'll be able to exhale.  It would be nice to be able to post something good the next time around.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Only counting the good days

Lately, things haven't been as up or as positive as I'd hoped.  This last week was one of the most difficult I've endured in a long time.  I won't go into the painful and after a few minutes, pedantic, details but it's gnawed my nerves raw.  Very little sleep; no appetite; tense and nervous.  Yet, somehow I managed to steal a few "normal" moments during the day and since I've come home from work.

I think the only way I can operate - function - for the time being is to simply take those few positive moments or even full days and look at them with gratitude and savor them.  Hopefully this cloud will  not remain over my head for long and things will have returned to normal.  I hope; I pray.

And that, too, is a very big thing.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Terms of psychic warfare, no. 2

I usually post on January 7th as my form of self-acknowledgment on my birthday but 52 is a throwaway, it was snowing and I'd woken up with a bad head cold, so that went right out the window.

Then I was going to write on Inauguration Day last Friday but I don't think purging through this avenue would have helped the sour mood.  Last weekend was one mired in surreality, not just for me but for, it seems, an entire planet, flummoxed by the notion that someone so incapable to hold the office of President of the United States of America could, indeed, have been sworn in as the 45th Commander-In-Chief.  For the record, I've hated Donald Trump since the '80's.  As a born-and-raised New Yorker and still-resident, he's been a blight on this city.  Now he's a human stain, covering the country.  I'll never support him or his goon squad that he's assembled as his cabinet.  It's both a sham and a shame and hopefully, there will be a day of reckoning and justice for him and his underlings.

It's still January; winter - my least favorite time of year.  It only fills me with general disgust at the constant cold and early darkness and the desire to do nothing when I come home from work or from the general errands to be run on weekends.  Yet, I can't help the fact that I do feel, by and large, pretty good.  Why - I don't know.  But in a moment when things surrounding me are all negative, I will take this and run with it.

Sunday, January 01, 2017

Reboot

Usually, I would have posted on the December anniversary of this blog, but I neglected to do so.  I've had a wonderful two-plus weeks at home and was deliciously lazy for the first time - made few plans, did what I wanted, relaxed, rested and cleared pretty much the clutter in my head.  And so here we are, a full twelve years after I started this.  Blogging is already a forgotten commodity, but I don't care.  It's helpful and healthy for me and it's the one way I can re-steer myself towards focused writing - like with Popdose or Rock NYC or lyrics.  This is the outlet of cleansing, so to speak.

And we begin on a beautiful, crisp, Sunday morning - oddly, New Year's Day.  A day that always equals "starting over".  I know this much:  I've let the hangover of the election go.  There is no point to continue making myself ill over this - I'm not giving sway to the notion of "normalizing" what isn't normal, ethical or legal (it's obvious - Trump committed treason by having the Russians hack into the DNC computers and tamper with the election; it's as clear as a blue sky on a sunny day), but I have to resume a complete sense of focus and control over the things I can.  Namely, my life and my being as a whole.  So that's one New Year's hope and aspiration realized, with certain clarity.  Another is the plausibility of an actual reunion of The Punch Line.  Not as a going concern, but the fact is 2017 is the 30th anniversary of our first single being recorded and that (to me) is a reason for celebration and acknowledgment.  The plausibility is the question; I know what many others want and how they feel - and I am truly appreciative and moved by their desire and encouragement to see this happen.  But I always wind up ambivalent if not uncomfortable with it.  So I'm trying this approach - creatively visualize what it could be like and if that mental picture seems feasible and not unnerving, I will proceed in making the contacts necessary.  What's the worst that can happen?  They say no.  Okay.  At least it was given a fair, thought out chance.

The other things - the gym, recording, writing - all of it will continue.  A little less bluster ("oh, I'm going to do this, this and this...") and more of the reality that what time will allow, I will take.  And the same applies to personal relationships.  What you give is what you get, obviously, and if efforts aren't mutual, then people will simply be quietly jettisoned.  It isn't all that important.

So waking up on this quietest of New Year's Day/Sunday mornings makes me glad to be around for my 52nd trip around the sun...

Wednesday, December 07, 2016

Wrap this up

I think I finally reached the saturation point of disgust as so many others I know have - I wish 2016 would come to an end.  I'm not a big believer in the notion that a numerical year is "bad", per se, but this has, without question, been a year of great tragedies, loss and sadness for so many.  In truth, on a personal level, it hasn't affected me directly - I'm grateful that no one passed in my personal life; I haven't been ill and things have been good and solid on an emotional, financial and spiritual level.

But I do see the overall scope; I see the state of this country and I can't help but feel both empty and more than concerned.  Physically, I need to re-tone my being to the degree I had a few short years ago - constant exercise, both body and mind-wise will help.  And I need to re-gain the passion I'd had for most of my life for playing guitar and making music.  Somehow, I let that slip away to a degree of almost criminal non-chalantness.

Can I make a prediction for the oncoming year?  No.  It would be foolish of me because I don't know what will happen next but I can say this:  for the here and now, it's time to stop talking and start acting.  Gym - guitar - focus on the songs; read the books and magazines I have surrounding me.  Clear out the cobwebs.  Next week begins my winter break from work; it starts there and then.  First day is Friday - go to the gym in the morning, come home and do the "winter purge" of clothes and excess I see around me.  Then pick up my guitar and play.  Just like yesterday...