ManicRobThrill

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Hope of deliverance

It looks like the winter is finally leaving, albeit more than a week after spring officially began.  And not too soon; it's been a dark, cold and very sad few months.  The rebirth and renewal that spring offers is needed sorely - certainly by me.

I'm fine, more or less.  Things are improving, progressing, ever moving in positive directions - some things not as quickly as others, but okay - patience is always required for anything truly good.  But I don't think I'm the only one who has found it challenging and trying to maintain one's sense of balance in these recent times.  Thus, with the sun shining as it did today, it makes me feel like sitting down, focusing and jotting down my thoughts, which help me remain fresh.

Now comes April - I can take a little rain.  But let there be some warmth to complement it...

Friday, March 13, 2015

Out like a lion (or the light at the end of the tunnel)

It's taken me a while to shake off the pain and sadness after learning of my ex-girlfriend's passing; there's no way to accurately describe what I feel (still), but I know it will remain with me for some time to come.  However, life is about living, going forward and doing so with clarity and reason.  And in the aftermath of this, I feel like I've regained a sense of control that had still been lacking for some time - frustrating, to say the least, infuriating to say the most.  And now I can see things as they should be - again.  I feel like I've begun to pull myself together and things are starting to take shape the way I want them to be and go.

Physically, mentally, spiritually - I've tried to regain and maintain the balance with some faltering along the way in the not-too-distant past.  Now I feel like there's a sense of harmony coming back together again.  Strange - how tragedy can make you stop and shake off the cobwebs and remember that we're only here briefly.  Better get up and on with it again.  In the right way.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

For S.C.

Nearly three decades ago, I began dating a woman - it lasted seven plus years.  I was 21 when we met; she was 17 and it was - for all intents and purposes - love at first sight.  We had a lot of happy times together; we had a life together and in many ways, we truly grew up together.  We parted company in early 1994 and when we said our verbal goodbyes, that was the last time we ever spoke.

Two days ago, I received a message from a friend who I haven't seen in almost the same amount of time.  He told me that this woman - my ex-girlfriend - had been battling cancer for the last few years and had died this past Saturday.  I know what I read in his message - but I still am not able grasp it; the numbness that came over me seeing those words has not left my body or my mind.

I cannot pretend to say anything more than this:  my heart is broken for her family, who my first thoughts are turned to.  My prayers, love and deepest respect go out to them.  To anyone who knew her, I will hope they treasure her memory and the joy of having had her in their lives.

For me - I was just her boyfriend, once upon a time.  I will always remember her as that beautiful, kind girl who loved me and I loved in return.  And I will always love Susan as she is forever a part of me.

Friday, February 06, 2015

Turn it around

Even with this bitter cold, I haven't let it hinder me or allowed it to cloud my focus.  Everything I've been planning and working on is slowly starting to rise and take shape, which is imminently pleasing.  Feeling good and clear-headed, creative and driven is still with me - and admittedly, in the past, it's been difficult early in the year.

I think part of the juice is the inspiration I get/take from friends who have the same kind of ideas, visions and drives - the motivation is there; to be shared and fed upon.  Aside from the writing, which hasn't slowed or wavered, there's the design on improved physical health, taking the time to record and concentrate on the new music that continues to come out of my head and through my pen onto paper and the plans for new experiences, which I absolutely savor.

You can say what you want; turning 50 has brought about a major shift in thought and desire and want.  And I mean that in all the best, most positive possible ways.

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

The big one

Although I usually don't make any statements or acknowledge my birthday, this one does merit something.  50 years old.  It's a milestone.  And a little surreal right now.  I really didn't think I'd get here, but I'm glad I have.  And I'm equally pleased to have done so with good health, no debt and a lot of positive vibes surrounding me, be it through my various relationships or by the things I do; what makes me who I am.

It's nice to still be here.  Need I say more?

Thursday, January 01, 2015

Anew

And so it is another New Year's Day.  This one does feel a little bit different - and the only reason I would be able to qualify that answer is because I'll be 50 in another 6 days.  Knowing what's coming is a little strange.  Not bad, alien, off-putting - just strange.  It's a monumental number; an achievement.

Nonetheless, I know that many of my friends had a not-great 2014; I was fortunate.  No personal or direct losses; no debt or illnesses; Liz has a completely clean bill of health as well, which is paramount and we managed to have ourselves a year of doing things.  From seeing an ample number of shows, plays and a terrific/fun vacation, I am thankful that our year was as good as it was.

The start of a new year always brings a sense of hope.  There are a few goals I'd like to reach - nothing lofty nor unrealistic; my schedule is already filling up - from another list of shows and our vacation to New Orleans already booked - so I'm of the (always cautious) optimism that 2015 will bring just as much fun and joy.  To continue to write, be on the radio and make music (one of the goals to strive toward) is really all I want to focus on.

If you're reading this (still), I wish you nothing but good things for the newly-sprung year ahead.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

A decade later...

I can't believe this blog is now ten years old.  I can remember the night I made the decision to start blogging and wrote the first entry.  I was on the cusp of my 40th birthday - now I'm about to turn 50, which at moments, still feels a little surreal.  I had just begun going to the gym - now I'm working with a personal trainer.  At the time, I was living in Staten Island and planning to leave; we did just that, having moved to New Jersey...  and moved right back.  And of course, The Punch Line was rolling - having been deep into the recording of ...to get to the other side.  Now, I'm finally beginning to make music - again - with no pressure, time constraints - anything.  Just for the simple joy of it.

Writing on this blog at the time was unchartered waters; I said whatever came to mind - and was a mistake, as I later realized - I gave a "voice" to my thoughts as they came into my head so I wouldn't forget and to be able to reference back to those ideas, in case they had any value.  It was a means of purging and exercising my ability to write and later, helped me hone my editing skills, which has definitely come in handy since.  It was mine - and I've stayed with it.  Whether it's a mere few lines once a month or several postings because I have a lot on my mind, it's mine and it's there and it will remain so.  It's a part of me that I'm pleased to still have.

The last ten years have been incredibly transitional - the world turned upside down thanks to war, unemployment, technology and in many ways, because society on the whole became uglier and dumbed down exponentially.  I had my own changes to deal with, cope with, accept, adapt to:  death, relationships of one kind or another starting and ending, learning new things, physical changes and so on.  I do feel and believe that I've grown as a person - how could I not?  If you don't mature the right way and you're going to be 50 years old, you don't deserve a shred of respect.  I haven't become uptight or an "old man" but by virtue and way of experiences, conversation and perspective, I think I have reached an attitude commensurate with my age. 

Nevertheless, I'm glad I still have this blog and will continue to - so happy 10th birthday, my dear friend.


 
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