ManicRobThrill

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Only a memory no. 2

It was 31 years ago tonight that I met someone.  She changed my life completely.  From the moment that we looked in one another's eyes, we spent the next 7.5 years together.  She left me 23 years ago and departed from this world two years ago.  But this date is etched in my mind and heart until my time's up.  We were very happy for a long time and those are the times I choose to think about.

I miss those two people.  They were nice; they were full of hope and drive and life.  She certainly filled me with hope, drive and life.  And she'll forever be part of me.

Thursday, May 04, 2017

The hope for May

As I've said for years, including on this blog, May has always been my favorite month.  There's just something so right about it; the warmth, the smell of the newly blossomed trees and flowers and fresh-cut grass - the promise of new things.

After the sadness and darkness that surrounded me for the last few months, I have glimmers of hope.  It's hard to keep an optimistic eye opened, but that's what I'm trying to do.  Moving forward - looking at the light and at different avenues to walk down.  Belief is everything - in myself, a higher being - whatever it is that sustains you.  And I do have some measure of belief in both myself and the highter powers.  Yes, I have my moments of despair and fear, etc. but I let them wash over me and pass - I don't hold on to them or let them control or cripple me.  Even when I feel it coming on, I pivot and find a comforting and hope-colored thought to push back.

And with the sun and warmth and soothing winds of the last few days to start this beautiful month, I have to take it and run with it.

Thursday, April 06, 2017

When the rain comes (No. 2)

It's pouring outside; thunder roars in the distances; the sound of water running off the trees and from the drains of my apartment building is the only thing I hear right now.

The days have been long; sometimes painful and sometimes tedious.  Being caught in a netherworld of uncertainty is a difficult thing to endure.  Not knowing what will happen next is painful on so many different levels.  I've never been the kind of person who likes things to be or remain at loose ends; resolution is preferable so I at least have a greater sense of understanding.  At the same time, patience is vital; learning or refining the art of patience is something I have never been particularly adept at, but I'm trying.

Focus; calm; trying to re-establish rational thought.  Those are the key components now.  To be able to see what is and what is not; what may or may not be.  And hope.  Which I have to hold on to now, more than ever.

I know I used to always say "time is your friend" and to "let the universe unfold naturally".  I need to remind myself of this constantly, like a mantra.

And I'm trying.

Monday, March 20, 2017

A prayer for Spring

Let there be sun and warmth; let there be milder winds. 
Let the days become filled with light again and less of darkness and fear. 
Let there be smiles and less tears.
Let there be an absolute instead of uncertainty.
Let there be joy instead of sadness.
Let there be love.

Thursday, March 02, 2017

Changes

Things are rapidly changing and I'm not sure in which direction they are going.  For the last month, life has been unbearable.  I know everything and everyone has to move forward and yes, the universe has to unfold naturally.  But dear God, there are moments I just pray for the absolute end because I don't know how much more I can endure any of this.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Close your eyes and breathe...

I'm very sad right now.  I'm not one to put my emotions out there and say this; I just need to try and get some of these thoughts out. At the moment, my own life is pained and it's a difficult time, but I'm trying very hard to regain my footing and a sense of rationality. I heard that a friend is very ill; another friend is suffering a chronic illness and watching events unfold on the news is more than discouraging. The world is upside down right now and I would dearly love and appreciate a positive, hopeful sign. And if I'm being selfish, I apologize, but I need something positive and good and solid/uplifting to help elevate me into a clearer and "right" frame of mind.

Of course, the 2-year anniversary of my ex-girlfriend's passing is in a few days and that, of course, is unbearable as well.  It doesn't matter how long ago we'd parted company - you can never negate that someone you loved for so long and shared your life with is gone.

The stress is killing me and I'm just praying to turn that positive/hopeful corner.  I live with the slightest notion that things will begin to settle down again and I'll be able to exhale.  It would be nice to be able to post something good the next time around.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Only counting the good days

Lately, things haven't been as up or as positive as I'd hoped.  This last week was one of the most difficult I've endured in a long time.  I won't go into the painful and after a few minutes, pedantic, details but it's gnawed my nerves raw.  Very little sleep; no appetite; tense and nervous.  Yet, somehow I managed to steal a few "normal" moments during the day and since I've come home from work.

I think the only way I can operate - function - for the time being is to simply take those few positive moments or even full days and look at them with gratitude and savor them.  Hopefully this cloud will  not remain over my head for long and things will have returned to normal.  I hope; I pray.

And that, too, is a very big thing.