ManicRobThrill

Friday, March 15, 2024

March of times...

The countdown is on; the clocks have been set forward an hour and then spring will finally be here in another four days.  I can't wait.  Having been feeling so good and so different, the change of seasons only brings better, more (inevitably) optimistic feelings.  These positive vibes I attribute to the recent purging of parts from my past life.

It's an interesting thing - when you actually stop and take a long, hard think and reassess/re-evaluate everything; who you are, who you thought you were and who you would like to and should be.  If you have a sense of balance, perspective and reason, you wind up thinking clearly, rationally and pointing your own way forward.  It's hard to explain, but my best guess is that you know this is that "final chapter" phase - not in a morbid way - and that there are still good things ahead and life can be enjoyed in a different fashion - you just can't keep being who you were.

Regardless, I do feel pretty good (especially after a 21-pound weight loss - and going for more); as soon as my shoulder starts healing, it's back to the gym and I'm now looking forward to a week away in August (LONG overdue).

So spring has a lot of happy table settings ahead!

Tuesday, February 13, 2024

Before the seasons change...

I decided with the oncoming spring - albeit a little over a month away - a massive purge would be helpful, since I've been lax in doing it with consistency over the last few years.  It's not about accumulation, but the proverbial "out with the old; in with the new" and letting go.  There isn't clutter (or worse), since I'm neither a pack rat or (God forbid) hoarder - I just want room and to see some of the past physically disappear.  

In going through my drawers and closets, I made an observation that while I'm very good at maintaining what I have, keeping things longer than a decade when you haven't thought about, seen or done anything with them, isn't a worthwhile proposition.  Starting with the most obvious and basic place, it began with my clothes.  Two enormous plastic bags filled with items from the early 2000's is the first massive step forward, including getting rid of my too-many-to-count rock t-shirts and jerseys.  Shoes, pants and coats that no longer fit, look awkward or age-damaged all went.  Regular shirts were replaced by simple classic/elegant/austere/age-appropriate ones and it makes an immediate impact in positive ways.

Turning 59 last month made me realize that I'm not who I used to be.  That isn't bad, frightening, upsetting or the slightest bit negative.  I see myself exactly as what I am - a man in the late stage of his life.  And I'm comfortable with that; I'm fine being 59.  I wouldn't feel right in an old Van Halen concert jersey or wearing old Kickers shoes that I've had since my Atlantic Records days.  It has nothing to do with anyone else; this is all about me and what I can no longer see or view myself as.  And it makes me very happy.  Acceptance is everything. 

The next thing is to see if I'm ready to start selling off some of my guitars.  There are signs that it may be time - I don't play; haven't played and really, haven't had the desire to, either.  Again - none of this is negative; it's good.  The realization that something you once loved - held sacred - no longer interests you is a very powerful thing.  You can use it for positives or you can let it make you sad and wrapped up in a coccoon of the past, which isn't constructive.

It's great to have been young and had so many varied passions, motivators and inspiration.  And I couldn't ask for more.  I'm fortunate and grateful to have had all of it.  But now, it's time to keep moving forward.  I have the memories - I don't need the physical "stuff".

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

Turn the page; turn the corner...

I thought I'd wait a few days after my birthday to post.  Turning 59 sounds and feels a little surreal, honestly.  I've been doing this blog since I was 39 and THAT was an oddity!  But now, I do feel the pangs of time and age creeping up with me.  And yes, I am well aware that it's reality.  It doesn't make it any better or easier.  

The world itself is simply on a one-way runaway crash course with itself.  I have little-to-no time or desire to speak with people, save for what I need to do as far as work goes; my friendships no longer have any great meaningfulness, I'm sorry to say.  I don't trust most people and "friends" have proven themselves to be the least trustworthy or deserving of time and effort.  Not being a fatalist or negative - I just see everyone and everything as they are now,  I don't want to spend an afternoon "reminiscing" or talking about nonsense.  It's just unnecessary and wasteful.

By turning 59, I'm lightening the load.  I don't need excess or abundant anything in my life - not people; not items - nothing.  I'm working/focusing more on contentment and peace.  It's good for the mind and body.  

Sunday, December 24, 2023

Christmas miracle...

 I'm usually not taken by the concept of "Christmas spirit", although I have been fortunate enough to experience the feeling on several occasions in my life.

Losing Roxy tore me apart; I don't know if I will ever get over the heartbreak of her passing because she was indescribably special to me.  I loved that little girl more than life itself.  And the emptiness; the void remains.

But sometimes, the kinder side of fate intervenes.  We met a beautiful and sweet little 3-month old girl through the cat rescue we've worked with and adopted from over the years.  This precious kitten has had a difficult start to her life and we knew immediately she was meant to be ours.  We brought her home yesterday; we named her Clover.  And within 24 hours, she's begun to bond with us and settle in to her new surroundings - filled with warmth, food, toys and an abundance of love.

When you lose a "pet", which is a word I don't like, since I view them as family members, it's a pain that doesn't go away.  I've loved every cat I've ever had and each time one goes, part of me dies as well.  When we lost Midnight ten years ago, we immediately met Roxy and she helped the healing process.  Clover is doing the same in the wake of Roxy's death.

The best way to honor the memory of a precious, loved family member is to give another deserving little being a chance to have a happy life of security, a home and love.

And as an aside, it's now 19 years since my first entry into this blog.  Who would have thought?

Merry Christmas to all.

Thursday, December 07, 2023

The indescribable

I'd been bracing for impact for about a month.  From the day we took Roxy to the vet and were told that she needed dental work and had an infection.  The words "she looks like she has a mass under her tongue" set me up for the ultimate in pain and heartbreak.

Last Tuesday night, I had to say goodbye to the one little creature I loved more than anything in this world.  My beautiful, perfect, hilarious, precious, sweet baby Roxy.  I hoped for at least five more years.  11 is too young to lose a cat.  
 
The cruel irony is today would have been ten full years with her.  
 
I didn't get it.

And I miss her more than words could ever convey.

Wednesday, November 15, 2023

Simplicity

It's a beautiful, crisp day - a week before my favorite holiday - Thanksgiving.

The world is going to hell, faster than I could have ever imagined; not even in my worst nightmares.  My beloved cat has had recent health issues, so that's pushed a cold reality on to me and yet, I seem to feel alright. 

I think it's partly due to the chronic absurdity in the outside/real world, I've returned - or retreated, depending on your point of view - to re-embracing the concept of enjoying what you've got and not worrying about the things you don't have - and most likely, don't need.  There are less things to worry about; non-essentials easily fall by the wayside and, subsequently, there's no reason to give them any extra thought or energy.

I also started a new, full-time job last week.  I've been transitioning out from the part-time position I've had since July.  A very nice office and a wonderful owner/principal, but two days a week is not sustainable for paying rent and bills.  Fortunately, the people I've joined are very kind and instantly embracing; I'm very appreciative of their warmth and willingness to work with me so I can start to shape up this position (which has been newly created and will informed and driven by me).

With everything that's wrong, I will gladly accept what is right.

Friday, November 03, 2023

Elevated observations ad infinitum

A lot has been on my mind recently - more than usual.  And at times, I feel it's better to remain quiet than to speak for fear it won't come out coherently.  So I'm going to try and get my thoughts out here, since it's sometimes easier to parse out what I want to say by writing it.

We are in the most bizarre and dangerous times that I can remember.  Social media was supposed to be a positive and helpful "tool" - a new way to communicate and share; to connect and re-connect.  To make the world smaller.  Instead, it's the worst virus to infect human beings over an elongated period.  Especially since the start of the Presidential election cycle in 2015.  It opened the floodgates to misinformation, division and sowing the seeds of deep-rooted enmity.  That election fractured friendships, relationships, families - you name it.  Battlelines were drawn and trenches were dug. 

Then came the pandemic.  Wash - rinse - repeat.  It made things worse because now people were experts in science, medicine and biochemistry, instead of the American political system and people were actually dying.  Greater war zones were created for the "vaccinated" vs. the "unvaccinated", who were treated like lepers, made into pariahs and worse, lost their livelihoods.  Paranoia burned through everyone like wildfire.  And again, relationships suffered - I know, because several long-term, long-time, real world relationships I held dear were suddenly gone, without a word, a reason or explanation.  Just radio silence.  Which was a very tough blow to accept and move on from.  But I did.

Now, all of a sudden, I see a very different, darker division.  When people you once loved and cared about are supporting terrorist groups, you cannot simply digest it and say "well, I'm glad they're not in my life anymore".  You do, but you also have to be solid enough to say "your support of terrorism and anti-Semitism makes you a hypocrite, a liar and you are now dead to me."  It's that simple.  When you post a message of support for those "poor people", you negate that they support the ones who began the war.  They teach their children to hate; to kill; to believe and preach that Jewish people are evil and must die.  Those "poor people" aren't to be pitied.  You didn't say anything about the people who were slaughtered at the beginning during a music festival by an invasion.  You didn't say anything about the children, women and elderly who were mercilessly butchered, burned and beheaded by these subhuman savages.  But the "poor people" who may become casualties... no, it doesn't fly anymore.  When you say to me, "oh, but of course you support Israel; you're Jewish"...  talk about knocking me over with a feather.  Unexpected.  And a sign that underneath it all is a mixture of arrogance and anti-Semitism.  And I don't care how many years we have behind us; how many laughs, secrets or tears - we're done.  You showed yourself.

I'm not angry - I see it.  Clearly.  I have perspective on it and I've now digested it so I am able to continue forward with even less baggage now.  But the reality is this: I believe in the wisdom of self-preservation.  You go ahead and keep marching in the fashion of the moment.  You won't be missed by me.