ManicRobThrill

Saturday, July 01, 2017

Two steps onward?

Looking forward is all I do now.  Trying to think and maintain a positive approach towards things is how I think.  Allowing time and the universe to unfold naturally is the only way I achieve peace of mind.  It does no one any good to overthink things - which I have a dangerous habit of doing; it only creates havoc and unrest, certainly in one's own head.  But I'm trying.  I'm not looking for a pat on the head or anyone to say "good job".  It's logic and common sense, which I needed to regain.  Somewhere, somehow, I lost sight of that.

But I'm trying again.  Looking forward and hoping for the best.  As anyone can only do.

Thursday, June 01, 2017

Every day...

As I had hoped and to a great degree, prayed for, things have taken a turn for the better and much more positive.  The days have been brighter and not so frustration and trepidation-filled.  I feel like I'm back among the living again; meeting new people - new experiences and surroundings and I'm focusing on keeping it all together.  I want to make certain there are no mis-steps - certainly, none by my own hand/undoing.  My mind is clear and I've shaken most of the emotional cobwebs of the last four months by working tirelessly at fixing as much as I can from the damage.

It may be a tired and well-worn cliche, but it really doesn't get any easier as one gets older.  If anything, age makes things more difficult.  There is definitely a sense of "ageism" out there; experience seems to be so under-valued and unappreciated.  But I've gotten back up to a fresh and major plateau that I didn't think possible; at least, not this quickly.

Thankful?  You'd better believe it.  Relieved?  To a large extent.  Time and patience will tell the rest.  All I can do is continue to let the universe unfold as it's supposed to - naturally.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Only a memory no. 2

It was 31 years ago tonight that I met someone.  She changed my life completely.  From the moment that we looked in one another's eyes, we spent the next 7.5 years together.  She left me 23 years ago and departed from this world two years ago.  But this date is etched in my mind and heart until my time's up.  We were very happy for a long time and those are the times I choose to think about.

I miss those two people.  They were nice; they were full of hope and drive and life.  She certainly filled me with hope, drive and life.  And she'll forever be part of me.

Thursday, May 04, 2017

The hope for May

As I've said for years, including on this blog, May has always been my favorite month.  There's just something so right about it; the warmth, the smell of the newly blossomed trees and flowers and fresh-cut grass - the promise of new things.

After the sadness and darkness that surrounded me for the last few months, I have glimmers of hope.  It's hard to keep an optimistic eye opened, but that's what I'm trying to do.  Moving forward - looking at the light and at different avenues to walk down.  Belief is everything - in myself, a higher being - whatever it is that sustains you.  And I do have some measure of belief in both myself and the highter powers.  Yes, I have my moments of despair and fear, etc. but I let them wash over me and pass - I don't hold on to them or let them control or cripple me.  Even when I feel it coming on, I pivot and find a comforting and hope-colored thought to push back.

And with the sun and warmth and soothing winds of the last few days to start this beautiful month, I have to take it and run with it.

Thursday, April 06, 2017

When the rain comes (No. 2)

It's pouring outside; thunder roars in the distances; the sound of water running off the trees and from the drains of my apartment building is the only thing I hear right now.

The days have been long; sometimes painful and sometimes tedious.  Being caught in a netherworld of uncertainty is a difficult thing to endure.  Not knowing what will happen next is painful on so many different levels.  I've never been the kind of person who likes things to be or remain at loose ends; resolution is preferable so I at least have a greater sense of understanding.  At the same time, patience is vital; learning or refining the art of patience is something I have never been particularly adept at, but I'm trying.

Focus; calm; trying to re-establish rational thought.  Those are the key components now.  To be able to see what is and what is not; what may or may not be.  And hope.  Which I have to hold on to now, more than ever.

I know I used to always say "time is your friend" and to "let the universe unfold naturally".  I need to remind myself of this constantly, like a mantra.

And I'm trying.

Monday, March 20, 2017

A prayer for Spring

Let there be sun and warmth; let there be milder winds. 
Let the days become filled with light again and less of darkness and fear. 
Let there be smiles and less tears.
Let there be an absolute instead of uncertainty.
Let there be joy instead of sadness.
Let there be love.

Thursday, March 02, 2017

Changes

Things are rapidly changing and I'm not sure in which direction they are going.  For the last month, life has been unbearable.  I know everything and everyone has to move forward and yes, the universe has to unfold naturally.  But dear God, there are moments I just pray for the absolute end because I don't know how much more I can endure any of this.