ManicRobThrill

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Close your eyes and breathe...

I'm very sad right now.  I'm not one to put my emotions out there and say this; I just need to try and get some of these thoughts out.  At the moment, my own life is pained and it's a difficult time, but I'm trying very hard to regain my footing and a sense of rationality.  I heard that a friend is very ill; another friend is suffering a chronic illness and watching events unfold on the news is more than discouraging.  The world is upside down right now and I would dearly love and appreciate a positive, hopeful sign.  And if I'm being selfish, I apologize, but I need something positive and good and solid/uplifting to help elevate me into a clearer and "right" frame of mind.

Of course, the 2-year anniversary of my ex-girlfriend's passing is in a few days and that, of course, is unbearable as well.  It doesn't matter how long ago we'd parted company - you can never negate that someone you loved for so long and shared your life with is gone.

The stress is killing me and I'm just praying to turn that positive/hopeful corner.  I live with the slightest notion that things will begin to settle down again and I'll be able to exhale.  It would be nice to be able to post something good the next time around.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Only counting the good days

Lately, things haven't been as up or as positive as I'd hoped.  This last week was one of the most difficult I've endured in a long time.  I won't go into the painful and after a few minutes, pedantic, details but it's gnawed my nerves raw.  Very little sleep; no appetite; tense and nervous.  Yet, somehow I managed to steal a few "normal" moments during the day and since I've come home from work.

I think the only way I can operate - function - for the time being is to simply take those few positive moments or even full days and look at them with gratitude and savor them.  Hopefully this cloud will  not remain over my head for long and things will have returned to normal.  I hope.

And that, too, is a very big thing.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Terms of psychic warfare, no. 2

I usually post on January 7th as my form of self-acknowledgment on my birthday but 52 is a throwaway, it was snowing and I'd woken up with a bad head cold, so that went right out the window.

Then I was going to write on Inauguration Day last Friday but I don't think purging through this avenue would have helped the sour mood.  Last weekend was one mired in surreality, not just for me but for, it seems, an entire planet, flummoxed by the notion that someone so incapable to hold the office of President of the United States of America could, indeed, have been sworn in as the 45th Commander-In-Chief.  For the record, I've hated Donald Trump since the '80's.  As a born-and-raised New Yorker and still-resident, he's been a blight on this city.  Now he's a human stain, covering the country.  I'll never support him or his goon squad that he's assembled as his cabinet.  It's both a sham and a shame and hopefully, there will be a day of reckoning and justice for him and his underlings.

It's still January; winter - my least favorite time of year.  It only fills me with general disgust at the constant cold and early darkness and the desire to do nothing when I come home from work or from the general errands to be run on weekends.  Yet, I can't help the fact that I do feel, by and large, pretty good.  Why - I don't know.  But in a moment when things surrounding me are all negative, I will take this and run with it.

Sunday, January 01, 2017

Reboot

Usually, I would have posted on the December anniversary of this blog, but I neglected to do so.  I've had a wonderful two-plus weeks at home and was deliciously lazy for the first time - made few plans, did what I wanted, relaxed, rested and cleared pretty much the clutter in my head.  And so here we are, a full twelve years after I started this.  Blogging is already a forgotten commodity, but I don't care.  It's helpful and healthy for me and it's the one way I can re-steer myself towards focused writing - like with Popdose or Rock NYC or lyrics.  This is the outlet of cleansing, so to speak.

And we begin on a beautiful, crisp, Sunday morning - oddly, New Year's Day.  A day that always equals "starting over".  I know this much:  I've let the hangover of the election go.  There is no point to continue making myself ill over this - I'm not giving sway to the notion of "normalizing" what isn't normal, ethical or legal (it's obvious - Trump committed treason by having the Russians hack into the DNC computers and tamper with the election; it's as clear as a blue sky on a sunny day), but I have to resume a complete sense of focus and control over the things I can.  Namely, my life and my being as a whole.  So that's one New Year's hope and aspiration realized, with certain clarity.  Another is the plausibility of an actual reunion of The Punch Line.  Not as a going concern, but the fact is 2017 is the 30th anniversary of our first single being recorded and that (to me) is a reason for celebration and acknowledgment.  The plausibility is the question; I know what many others want and how they feel - and I am truly appreciative and moved by their desire and encouragement to see this happen.  But I always wind up ambivalent if not uncomfortable with it.  So I'm trying this approach - creatively visualize what it could be like and if that mental picture seems feasible and not unnerving, I will proceed in making the contacts necessary.  What's the worst that can happen?  They say no.  Okay.  At least it was given a fair, thought out chance.

The other things - the gym, recording, writing - all of it will continue.  A little less bluster ("oh, I'm going to do this, this and this...") and more of the reality that what time will allow, I will take.  And the same applies to personal relationships.  What you give is what you get, obviously, and if efforts aren't mutual, then people will simply be quietly jettisoned.  It isn't all that important.

So waking up on this quietest of New Year's Day/Sunday mornings makes me glad to be around for my 52nd trip around the sun...

Wednesday, December 07, 2016

Wrap this up

I think I finally reached the saturation point of disgust as so many others I know have - I wish 2016 would come to an end.  I'm not a big believer in the notion that a numerical year is "bad", per se, but this has, without question, been a year of great tragedies, loss and sadness for so many.  In truth, on a personal level, it hasn't affected me directly - I'm grateful that no one passed in my personal life; I haven't been ill and things have been good and solid on an emotional, financial and spiritual level.

But I do see the overall scope; I see the state of this country and I can't help but feel both empty and more than concerned.  Physically, I need to re-tone my being to the degree I had a few short years ago - constant exercise, both body and mind-wise will help.  And I need to re-gain the passion I'd had for most of my life for playing guitar and making music.  Somehow, I let that slip away to a degree of almost criminal non-chalantness.

Can I make a prediction for the oncoming year?  No.  It would be foolish of me because I don't know what will happen next but I can say this:  for the here and now, it's time to stop talking and start acting.  Gym - guitar - focus on the songs; read the books and magazines I have surrounding me.  Clear out the cobwebs.  Next week begins my winter break from work; it starts there and then.  First day is Friday - go to the gym in the morning, come home and do the "winter purge" of clothes and excess I see around me.  Then pick up my guitar and play.  Just like yesterday...

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Darker days

I did not think it was possible; it was inconceivable.  HOW?  How could this man - who essentially handed this election to Hillary Clinton with all his insanity, there for the whole world to see - be elected President of the United States?

Because misogyny still rules.  Because people are willful and ignorant.  Because people are spiteful.  It's not just the silent minority of white men and white women.  It's not just the psychotic and fascist loving "alt-right".  It's the alt-left.  Those precious petals who collectively kissed Bernie Sanders' ass and worshiped at his feet and once he was soundly beaten in the primaries, they became enraged and voted for a different sociopath, Jill Stein.  They even told St. Bernard to go fuck himself when he told his loyal minions to vote for Hillary Clinton.  They and their conscience voting can fuck off.  When President Trump comes rolling along, their protests will be silenced VERY QUICKLY.  That's what entitlement gets you.  That's a great deal of solace to me.

I am a patriot.  I love everything that America has been based on.  I wear and wave the flag proudly.  I love and respect and honor our soldiers and our police; I revere our traditions.  But Tuesday night, I have never been more ashamed to be an American.  For the first time, I could see how the rest of the world views us and hates us.  And I resented it.  And because of the way people voted in THIS election, I will not forgive it.

My beloved homeland, what have you done?  I love you, United States of America but you have FUCKED UP but good.  And you should collectively be damned for your willful ignorance, your racism and your misogyny because that's what you framed this new President-elect around.  And you did it with large numbers.

I wept.  No other way to say it.  And I am heartbroken.  You've just entered Nazi Germany 1933 except it's now a bigger, richer, more populated land of social psychosis.  And this isn't Germany.  It's Nazi America.  And if you think that's over-dramatic, you're sorely mistaken.  I'm understating it.  This is, as Mark Halperin, put it "a cataclysmic event".

Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  Seriously.

Monday, November 07, 2016

Counting down...

Tomorrow is the end of the nightmare that began over a year ago when Donald Trump announced his candidacy for President.  The Republican Party sent out the bottom of the barrel to run against him and the media helped build up to tear down the single worst candidate I've ever seen in my 51 years to run for President.  Donald Trump has brought the worst elements of our society into the sunlight and created the most repulsive campaign - quite possibly - in the history of our nation.  If there truly is a God and we are one nation, under that God, I pray that tomorrow, he will be slaughtered in the voting booths and Hillary Clinton will become our next President - the exact opposite of Trump.  The man has no knowledge of ANYTHING that has to do with governing; he's been a shitty businessman, a horrific excuse of a human being and a charlatan who preys and plays upon the fear and ignorance of those who don't have much of a scope to the world around them. 

Mrs. Clinton is more qualified than any other Presidential candidate I can think of - not Obama, certainly not Bush - hell, not even her own husband who by my account, was the best President in my lifetime.  I think she would be a magnificent leader and someone who simply can get the job done.  I said so when she announced she would be running and I have stood by her, even when people were being taken for a ride by that Johnny-come-lately to the Democratic Party, Bernie Sanders.

Trump and his band of thugs running his campaign are reminiscent - without overdramatics - of Hitler and his Nazi party.  His racist/homophobic/anti-Semitic/misogynistic/xenophobic bullshit and scare tactics, let alone their TREASONOUS actions towards trying to manipulate the election with the outside help of espionage from Julian Assange and the Russian government leads me to hope that the reprisals for their actions will come hard and fast.  They must pay for their crimes against the United States - these people are as unpatriotic as the day is long.

So my first action tomorrow morning will be to get to the polling place by my home as early as possible and VOTE.  Doing my job, taking my responsibility as an American citizen and as a patriot who loves this country and doesn't want to see it tarnished any further by scum.  The world outside is bad enough; every country on the planet is watching.  Let's not give them any more cause to despise us.  Donald Trump is the embodiment of everything the world hates about America and it fills me with rage. 

I'm with her.