Letting go

Today is the last day of 2020 and it doesn't mean anything, except the transitional day between the end of one year and the start of another.  

Two days ago, we had to say goodbye to Paisley.  We brought her home when she was a week old.  Her eyes hadn't opened yet; her ears hadn't popped.  She was a perfect, newborn kitten, in need of love and care.  She grew into a beautiful, happy, healthy and hilarious cat.  She had a huge personality, considering she had been a runt; she was funny, sweet, incredibly loving and very outspoken.  She gave you a piece of her mind and you had to listen.  I never met a cat that vocal - as if she had you engaged in conversation.

We knew time was getting shorter for her; over the last two years, she'd slowed down and gotten thinner.  And at 3 a.m. on Tuesday morning, her body gave out.  The pain is in knowing I had to wait until 6:30, after calling the emergency 24-hour vet line, to take her to the doctor to say the last farewell.  That was very hard; knowing she was suffering, terrified and confused.

Coming home and knowing she's not there to greet me; seeing her now-empty water bowl and food dish on the counter still makes me cry.  And Roxy and Bailey know something isn't right.  But they're giving us all the love they have because they understand someone isn't here.

I'm heartbroken.  I loved Paisley.  She was my baby.  And she will always be just that.

Who knows?

It's now December; I started this blog in December, 2004 - 16 years ago.  I can remember the "why" of starting it and how much I enjoyed it, especially with the frequency of writing on a daily basis for the first few years.  If I didn't enjoy it, I wouldn't still be here doing this!

But this year has been a true mindfuck - partially for me; mostly for the world in reality.  We're still at home with no real end in sight as to when things can resume "normalcy".  I'm still working from home, only going in to the office twice a week.  I don't go out, except to grocery shop, etc. on weekends; the restaurants that had re-opened for minimal seating that we'd gone to are now closed again for only pick-up or delivery - other businesses are closing down permanently.  My favorite restaurant of all-time, Otto, has gone.  Because of this backward scenario, with new numbers of COVID-19 (allegedly) going up, I can't drive to New Jersey to see a dear friend for lunch.  There are police waiting for when you cross the bridges in/out of Staten Island to make sure you haven't been exposed.  It's insane.  

In New York, having the governor and mayor tell the citizens "you can't have your family together" for Thanksgiving was unacceptable and appalling; having them egg people on to "report your neighbors" is un-American.  The news media is aiding-and-abetting in not reporting facts or scientific numbers - all they do is help the mayor ramp up fear with mis-information.

The thing is, with all that, I've found myself calmer and more focused than I have in I can't remember when.  I don't need stimuli; I'm not in need of human contact; I can save money by not going to concerts or extraneous things.  I like the peace and quiet; I like the solitude.  My current schedule has given me balance.

December is also the time when 7 years ago, my beloved cat, Midnight, died.  I was devastated.  But we wasted no time and immediately adopted my precious Roxy.  Now, my baby, Paisley is 17-plus years old.  Time is growing shorter and I know this.  I'm not sure how much longer she'll be here, but I'm savoring every moment and letting her know how much she's been loved her whole life.  We brought her home when she was 1 week old and she's been my baby ever since.  I remember that day as well; I was so worried, having this newborn kitten...  I'm trying my best to prepare for the inevitable, but I hope it'll be later, rather than sooner.

Yes, who knows where the time goes?