Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Getting better

Yes, I have to admit, it's getting better. The time moves along; the fighting subsides and the anger dissipates. Not thinking about it and looking at it from the realistic viewpoint makes it valid. Add to the mix the loving understanding of someone who is as good and kind as there ever was and it makes me feel like it's just another phase in life and a lesson learned.

It doesn't hurt that I just got back from the gym for the first time in a while and pushed myself (I say with some pride); thus, I feel great--albeit hot and tired! I give all credit to that amazing someone who cracked the whip and said hop to it. She's right and I'm grateful to her for the instigation and inspiration. The Muse speaks; I listen... now I should look at the guitar and pen...

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Not for the faint hearted, really

Some random thoughts about divorce and the aftermath of coming to terms with the concept, acting upon it and asking for one and what happens next...

I feel alternate waves of emotions at intervals. There are the feelings of relief and acceptance since it was I who said I wanted to divorce. There are the feelings of anger and pain because I know why I decided on and said I wanted a divorce. There are the feelings of disbelief because it was one of those things that I never thought would happen to me. There are the feelings of loss; it has to be said divorce is like a death. There is a lot of rage in me; this feeling, while not healthy (especially on my body) is at least clearly defined and directed; it is not misguided or misaligned. The persons who caused my pain and hurt and anger are known to those who have stood by me/with me in a show of care and loyalty.

This leads to a sidebar observation: when you have been friends with someone for two decades, it is a stunning blow to think they would actually align themselves with the person who hurt you and destroyed your life together. Then again, I was told (several years ago) that my (so-called) best friend was flirting with/hitting on my (soon-to-be-ex) wife. It was pointed out to me, with no malicious intent but rather as a word of warning and concern. And should I be so shocked when he speaks to her now but won't call me? Think about that for a while. Another extracation from my life. Simply put--she gets the "ex best friend" as part of the divorce.

People can go back and forth, but here are some simple black and white facts: words are words. You can say what you will and take them to heart or you can let them go in the wind. Actions are actions and have consequences and ramifications. I did not at any time take any actions that would be grounds for a divorce. My wife did. You cannot do what she has done twice and not pay for it. She is. And so am I, which is the part of sheer unfairness.

I'm not looking for answers; I don't need to know "why" or "how". I just want "exit" and "the book is now closed". I don't care for excuses (which is all I've been given) and I don't care about what happens next when the end is legalized. The answers are simple: you break the trust and faith--the marriage is over. It's not difficult to understand. Restraint, decency, discipline are all part of what makes a marital bond strong. When one party has none of the above, it all goes to pieces.

Karmic cycles are something I believe in. Now more than ever. Time will sort everything out, but the here and now is very difficult. Believe no one; trust no one--this is how I feel. I am not a victim, that's for sure, but I'm certainly damn angry. The upshot: I could easily pull out of our lease and leave her stuck with the rent. I could let my boss know we're divorcing and why and she would be out of a job and out of medical coverage. I could do all of these things and she knows it--you would think she'd show a little bit of gratitude and a modicum of civility. The clock is ticking and truthfully, with the way things have been, time is running out for her, the same way she forced time to finally run out on us.

More later, as this is just making my queasiness return.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Fireworks (Still Life #7?)

Another Independence Day comes and this time with a greater poignancy to the concept and in my life. I can say that it feels very good to be in this headspace and feel as I do--at least, certainly for the moment.

I've been at a standstill for far too long, especially when it comes to music. I know I talk about it more often than I actually act upon it, but that ceases now. The new songs are flowing out of me; I know it's a time-consuming process to commit them to the recorded stage, but at the least, they are alive now. I have the inspiration; the fire--the muse. That's all I need.

It's been an interesting and restful week (mostly) away from the office; in the quiet of today, I see a guitar in front of me and I can focus. I don't need to worry as much about my loved one who has been ill.

It's a good thing.