Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Writing wrongs

I put a posting up on Sunday night, after having time to reflect on what and where my relationships have been going wrong. I said in that posting if anyone thought it may be about them, please contact me so we can talk about it.

One person did. The person who was the main (but again, not total) focus of what I was feeling in terms of friends and whether or not our relationship was real or worth continuing. By speaking with this person earlier today, we were able to do something I don't think either one of us had done before--really listen. For that alone, I say thank you. More importantly, it means you care enough to let me know that we should make our friendship work. I'll meet you halfway and thank you for letting me say what I had to and letting me tell you how I've felt instead of stopping me or challenging me. That spoke volumes to me.

So I retract (where you are specifically referenced) my earlier statements--and I apologize if I've hurt or offended you in any way. I was wrong. You are my friend and our relationship does have value.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Weekend rewind (heat and dust)

Another well-enjoyed Memorial Day weekend come and gone. In between groceries and the usual household chores, Liz and I had the chance to savor some time together, both alone and with loved ones.

Spent a quiet, chilled-out Friday night; Saturday (oppressive heat aside) we spent with her mom, brother and his wife; their first visit to our new place was a blast. Had a lovely family getting-to-know you dinner with his wife's family near here and a fun night watching movies. Yesterday, original plans not holding up, we did our necessities and then had dinner and drinks with a couple we've been friends with for years (friends I used to work with) and hadn't seen in a while.

One of those weekends where I get to be myself in a comfortable, non-back-to-my-younger-years setting. Sets the tone for a good (and focused) work week ahead.

A musical note aside--I'm very happy that this weekend, I received word that I have the first Punch Line distribution deal signed, sealed and delivered.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Growing up and away

The great thing about having quiet or down time is the ability to think and evaluate situations in your life. In the recent months, I've found a disconnect from people I'd once cared for/about passionately and now feel nothing toward, except (sadly) contempt at times for some. I've come to some painful and startling realizations:

a) they are stuck on an almost adolescent treadmill
b) they only seem to want to act the same with me as they did in years past
c) they want something from me that I cannot give them--and now no longer will, if it was something I had given before
d) there isn't anything left anymore to say; the pretense of the relationship is just that--it's faking it on my part

Today was my last eye-opening lesson and it took less than a minute for the final words to be spoken without me saying "I think it would be best we no longer speak; I've had enough". When a friend becomes defensive and simultaneously obnoxious (when the situation is something that third parties are witnesses to and know I did not create), it's usually the death knell. This was not an exception--and now I am putting it to rest; if I hear from this person (and I doubt it), I will say "we've run our course and our friendship is non-existent, so I wish you all the best".

To be able to see this for what it is can be jolting--and it has been. At the same time, it has freed me up from having to be as phony as how some of my friends have become and I am now able to find the courage to begin to jettison the people I find to be a painful reminder of who and how I don't want to be. I now look at them and I see nothing; I see people I no longer like nor respect. People I no longer feel a need to be in contact with. It's sad, but I want to grow up. I'm 41 and I don't want to pretend I'm anything less.

Some may read this and think I'm angry; I'm not. I never reached a point of anger; I have felt somewhat disillusioned and sad about seeing the non-realistic nature of our "friendships". Some may read this and think I'm talking about them and they would be wrong. I have certain individuals in mind, but if this is misinterpreted, please ask me directly. This isn't a vitriolic invective; it's a chance to shake this tension I've felt for a long time off me. Some may read this and say I'm cold. May be so--but I'm not going to pretend I'm victimized by what I let happen--I let certain friends use me without accepting and then stopping the fact I was being used--but now that it's obvious, it's pointless to let the charade go on.

And you know that when people read this, they automatically amateurishly analyze it and say "he has issues". If being honest and tired and willing to let go of something unhealthy and someone who makes you unhappy to speak to is an issue, then that's how it is.

And so it goes. Basically, now if the phone stops ringing or the e-mails no longer come, that's fine. I'd rather be alone than be as phony as who may be on the other end; I'd rather be alone than have to keep pretending.

Fare thee well, long-time friend. It's over. I wish you a happy life.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Out with the old

Memorial Day weekend has always been one of my favorite times; this year is no exception. Plans for a family get-together and (possibly) friends give a good vibe to an already good day. Nothing special about today except for the wonderful, liberating decision I came to and discussed with a friend. I'll not say what it is just yet, but trust me, this is a great feeling. It means I'm out of the tunnel and into the light again.

Musically speaking, it's also been a reawakening period. I'm just about ready to start working on "Stylized", which I can almost taste. For those who have heard some of the demos and have had that wide-eyed look of surprise because they're impressed, it gives me a resurgence of belief in knowing this is right; this is the right album.

Nothing more to add to the tempo of this posting! Have yourselves a great weekend.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Weekend rewind (double down and let it ride)

Still in that "it's been an interesting period" mode. Last Saturday was a last-minute jaunt to Maxwell's, where Bob and I proceeded to drink until last call. Forgot what that was like; a minor headache in the a.m., thanks to the cocktails, but none the worse for wear. Had a great conversation with Lord Jon, who always spurs me on with me motivation and got ready for Liz' birthday weekend.

Spent last night at a well-known gaming establishment, where prior to seeing one of the best comedy shows I've seen in years, I managed to financially contribute to the stability of this fine casino. A night at the slots and the tables means bringing lunch to work for the balance of the week. Ran some errands and chilled out for the balance of the day.

This looks like a busy week, both work-wise and music-wise. One hopes the cobwebs clear by the morning.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Phoenix rising... or at least Flushing

An interesting period and a great, but heavy duty week. I almost began to forget what it's like to have a life.

Went to the Tribeca Festival on Tuesday night via an invitation of our rep (from work) at American Express--a million thanks again, Kim; had a great time, good food and (many) drinks--saw a top-notch film and loved being in Soho at night again for what seems to have been a lifetime. All that and a fab swag bag and no traffic going and coming home.

Wednesday night was the first time The Punch Line played together since my birthday. From the opening crash of "Let It Go", it was tight and powerful and I only wish people could have seen and heard us. That's the band that we really are--from going through the album to pulling som surprises out of the air (including a stunning never-played-it-together-before version of "Numbers With Wings"), that was easily one of the finest moments that The Punch Line has had. Had a great talk with Bob earlier this evening and I see the even-better things for the band coming up faster now. Already a gig solidified for November, but working on more things for the summer. File that under "it's going to happen".

Work is busy but good busy. Being organized and aware is a healthy thing. I've lost 16 pounds in the last few weeks and I'm beginning to feel the possibilities of how good my life with Liz is right now (again). Spoke to my uncle yesterday who nearly made me cry when he said (about the album), "I'm so proud of you". That meant the world to me, even at 41.

All these good, good, good vibrations and the power of a Dunkin' Donuts blueberry iced coffee. Can't ask for more.