Monday, June 30, 2008

Glad to see you go

Good riddance to June; this has been one of the most stressful, strenuous and downright disheartening months I've endured in a very long time. I can't even begin to think when I ever experienced such a down feeling; I don't think it's bold or presumptively arrogant of me to say flat out I'm depressed and it isn't going away.

Frustration is bad enough, especially on a constant, but this is near-debilitating. I'm not being melodramatic; I get up and do the things I need to, but I'm just not happy. I still haven't found a sense of joy and at this particular moment, I'm on a treadmill and cannot get off, no matter how hard I try. I cannot relax and my mind races. I'm filled with negative thoughts and I truly despise it. That's why I've been out of touch with so many people--friends and family alike. I haven't had anything good to say; why cloud someone else's mood?

Will the passing of a bad month help dress the wound that doesn't stop bleeding? Shit.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Easy enough to figure out

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Reaping the rewards of a youth well spent

It's pretty well documented, especially here, that I'm not someone who likes reliving or revisiting his past. However, I feel a need to share something good, especially in light of the recent output being so negative.

I recently received an e-mail from a friend of mine who I hadn't seen (I believe) since 1993; we briefly exchanged hellos in the ferry terminal and that was all. Previous to that, I had seen her in 1991 for all of five minutes as she was leaving a restaurant and I was coming in. And before that we hadn't seen one another since the day we graduated high school in 1983, so it had been 8 years.

The point is, she e-mailed me and I'm not sure why, but I felt a warmth that I haven't felt in a long time. She has good memories of our friendship and while she only briefly touched upon her recollections of me and of her high school experience, I think I was more taken by her forthright and honesty and the fact that we're suddenly able to pick up a conversation in the here and now as if 25 years never passed. She's already reoccupied a place in my heart as a close friend and confidant and I can count this as a blessing. I don't mean to get quasi-religious sounding, but it is a joy and a gift when someone returns to your life and their mere words can fill you with simple happiness. The e-mails exchanged reveal two people who were good friends then and are even better friends now and into the future. Here's to your return, A; much love from this end of the East Coast.

It's something like this that helps keep my mind occupied with more positive thoughts than being overworked, overstressed and under-joyed.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The clock ticks now

An up, down, up and down again period that I could do nicely without--referring to the down sides. Nonetheless, slowly getting myself back together to the point of saying okay, this shit is through.

I've never considered myself a quitter; I've toughed out some very difficult situations, but for the first time, I feel I need to do something. Nothing is worth the stress, aggravation and illness that these eight months have been causing me. This isn't some childish whim or hyper-sensitivity; this is a case of having lived in an unhealthy atmosphere and I frankly can't see the need to put myself through any more of this. For what? I realize now that I've made some mistakes and I'm angry with myself . Yes, I made grand mistakes. So I am making strides to alter this and to do it fast.

Liz is having some difficulty making the adjustment to her new job. Aside from being out of the workforce for 6 months, this is something completely new--dealing with the public, every moment of every day is something of a shock for her. I can only hope that she, too, starts to find her groove. I have all the confidence in the world; she's an amazingly strong woman--I think she'll be fine once she settles in.

Always, the days pass as a blur; it's get up/go to work/wait for 5:30 to come/go home/fall asleep. It's a routine I'm not fond of at this moment.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

...and closer

Finally, a moment to express some joy. Liz has a new job, which she's happy and excited about; her enthusiasm is only matched by my pride and admiration for her. This is a good thing--all on a bad day at the day job. Rather than vent, I'll simply say a deep breath and an emotional step back led me to just make my way through the moment of discomfort and anger. All the bleakness of the morning was wiped away by Liz' call in the afternoon.

So it is with that thought that I can start refill my sense of hope. Hope that with this new beginning for her will lead to another new, positive beginning for me, professionally.

The songs will flow naturally. No worries there.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Getting closer

Sorry to have sounded so dour for the last few posts. The changes over the first five months of this year have not gone as well as hoped, but at the least, I'm coping with them and getting through it all. I've been trying to push myself away from stress as much as I can--aside from my P.R. job--there is nothing that should even slightly rate itself as "stressful" in my life. So that's the approach I've begun to re-take. I have been working on music--albeit slowly--and Liz is still going forward without hesitation to find a full-time job--any job--and I could not be more proud of her for the way she's gone about things. My dad's health, while not improved, is at least stable and he's getting acclimated more and more to life at New Broadview; I can worry about him a little less.

I'm hoping in the next few weeks to have done some updates to the website and to finally start recording. Then, a quick weekend getaway in A.C., just for the sake of needing that breath of fresh air.