Thursday, August 23, 2007

Continuing towards levelling

It's 4:28 a.m. and again, I've awakened early. Rather do what I've been doing, as I'd said before about obsessing about work, I will look at this early rise as a way to get a jump on a busy day ahead. It may sound forced, but I have to start somewhere. That's why I'm posting now--as a means of giving myself early perspective and trying to re-instill a sense of focus and calm.

It's simple and it's cliched, but I've been reminded, courtesy of some of my colleagues, to these very simple facts:

a) you can never take your job so seriously that you let it physically and subsequently, emotionally overtake you. It's admirable that I care and take my job seriously, but I have a life and deserve to enjoy it.

b) obsessing over every detail is not healthy.

c) mistakes happen. How does anyone ever learn anything otherwise?

d) in the case of the office move, it's over. We're moved in. There were things that were completely out of my control and that's that. We still have things we need to buy/get in place in the office--they are being bought and researched, etc.--all I can keep doing is moving forward and keep doing.

e) take days off. I've earned them. I won't get them back if the year ends, so get some down time.

f) I've neglected to call or e-mail friends. I've begun doing it again--to make contact with my long-standing relationships and apologize for not having been in touch.

Most importantly, I remembered this: I rule the situations; they do not rule me.

I've made some small inroads. At the end of the work day, I won't talk about work. When my colleagues and I go out to lunch, I try to veer the conversation away from work. I've forced myself to not check my e-mails at night and to turn the cell phone off at 9 p.m.--I don't do client work, so I should not be on-call 24/7. I try to pay more attention to distractions like the t.v. or, as I did this past weekend with Le Fig, going to the movies.

I'm off from work tomorrow, for my first "day off" since Brian was here in March. I do not intend to answer my cell phone; I will not check e-mail--I said upfront to the team that I would be out of touch and I do mean it. I need just the time away from work for the day and the trip overnight to help me with this process.

I worked a job years ago that I did not love, the way I do this one--but I did have the same problem. Before I left that position, I wound up needing medication and some therapy due to being overstressed. This one is different. I care. I enjoy what I do and the people I do it with. But I have to care first for myself. I'm trying and I will hopefully start to see the positive results soon enough, so being up at 4 a.m. is not a detriment; it's just an early start to the morning.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

An open letter

Sometimes it's better for me to remain quiet. A time like now, I think it's better for me to try and write the things I've been thinking and unable to say.

I'm wiped out. This last two month period has been difficult. Work has had me stressed out beyond words. I throw up in the morning; I'm nervous; I have very poor sleep patterns--more often than not, I've been waking up at 3 a.m. and not able to fall back asleep. I'm overworked. The office move is something I haven't been able to diffuse from yet and I don't know how to relax. I'm both unhappy and frustrated with my current situation. I love my job; I respect my colleagues and bosses, but I feel I'm under constant pressure and must not fail or make mistakes--which I know is wrong and unrealistic.

I've forgotten how to have fun; I have no social life anymore and I'm constantly tired. I get up, go to work, work from about 8:30 to 5, commute home and veg in front of the T.V. I don't play my guitar; I haven't been writing; I haven't picked up the camera or a book for the longest time. I find it difficult to say what I want to say; I'm usually too tired to string together coherent thoughts.

I need to see my doctor for a full exam, which I haven't had since '05. I need to regain my positive mindset and my good physical health.

I need to do it now. I need to take some time off work, just like everyone else. Some well-earned vacation time. I need to spend at least 3 - 4 days going to the gym to get back into a routine. I need to have at least 3 - 4 nights' uninterrupted sleep.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

With bowed heads...

Remember The King.

I was only 12, but it hit me like nothing else before. It was the first loss. Lennon's death (naturally) had a far greater impact, but I grew up in a house rich with Elvis, the Everlys and so on.

"...train I ride, 16 coaches long..."

Sunday, August 12, 2007


My first weekend of normalcy. Got home at a decent time Friday night to veg in front of the gogglebox until Liz got home. Drove out to Pa. yesterday to celebrate (albeit early) Brother B.'s birthday. A great day. Had a terrific meal at this place, which was a pleasant surprise. Spent the day walking about and got home around midnight. Finally had a chance to unwind with the people I love most.

Did the groceries and cleaning today; good day for an amazing lunch with Liz en route home from my dad's. Tired and overheated, but at least we're beginning the resumption of life before the office move and prior to the Staten Island return.

Saw this obit. Thought he was a brilliant (albeit hedonistic) visionary with a self-deprecating sense of humor. 24 Hour Party People seemed like an accurate depiction of him.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Phase one complete

The major part of our office move was (miraculously) completed on Friday; the painters did the body of the offices, the new carpet was laid down, the computers are networked and the furniture was delivered and installed. My colleague (and partner through this), Laura, brought up some of the team's boxes and we were able to place them in each person's office for Monday. After 6 p.m., I was finally able to turn off the lights, turn off the air conditioner and go home, exhausted beyond description. I'm not sure if I've completely diffused from this, but at least last night I managed a solid night's sleep.

I know this is short, but it's just a moment of reporting. More when I've had the chance to regain some strength and a clear head.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Limbo district

Still experiencing the pains of this as-not-yet-completed move, through no fault of our own. I'm filled with a lot of disgust and frustration right now, which I think anyone can understand. My colleagues and I deserve a lot better than this.

My hope is for as quiet a weekend as possible; my dad needs to see his doctor and then I can attempt to unwind.

Sleep, you are a missed friend.