Thursday, August 23, 2007

Continuing towards levelling

It's 4:28 a.m. and again, I've awakened early. Rather do what I've been doing, as I'd said before about obsessing about work, I will look at this early rise as a way to get a jump on a busy day ahead. It may sound forced, but I have to start somewhere. That's why I'm posting now--as a means of giving myself early perspective and trying to re-instill a sense of focus and calm.

It's simple and it's cliched, but I've been reminded, courtesy of some of my colleagues, to these very simple facts:

a) you can never take your job so seriously that you let it physically and subsequently, emotionally overtake you. It's admirable that I care and take my job seriously, but I have a life and deserve to enjoy it.

b) obsessing over every detail is not healthy.

c) mistakes happen. How does anyone ever learn anything otherwise?

d) in the case of the office move, it's over. We're moved in. There were things that were completely out of my control and that's that. We still have things we need to buy/get in place in the office--they are being bought and researched, etc.--all I can keep doing is moving forward and keep doing.

e) take days off. I've earned them. I won't get them back if the year ends, so get some down time.

f) I've neglected to call or e-mail friends. I've begun doing it again--to make contact with my long-standing relationships and apologize for not having been in touch.

Most importantly, I remembered this: I rule the situations; they do not rule me.

I've made some small inroads. At the end of the work day, I won't talk about work. When my colleagues and I go out to lunch, I try to veer the conversation away from work. I've forced myself to not check my e-mails at night and to turn the cell phone off at 9 p.m.--I don't do client work, so I should not be on-call 24/7. I try to pay more attention to distractions like the t.v. or, as I did this past weekend with Le Fig, going to the movies.

I'm off from work tomorrow, for my first "day off" since Brian was here in March. I do not intend to answer my cell phone; I will not check e-mail--I said upfront to the team that I would be out of touch and I do mean it. I need just the time away from work for the day and the trip overnight to help me with this process.

I worked a job years ago that I did not love, the way I do this one--but I did have the same problem. Before I left that position, I wound up needing medication and some therapy due to being overstressed. This one is different. I care. I enjoy what I do and the people I do it with. But I have to care first for myself. I'm trying and I will hopefully start to see the positive results soon enough, so being up at 4 a.m. is not a detriment; it's just an early start to the morning.


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