Sunday, May 28, 2006

Growing up and away

The great thing about having quiet or down time is the ability to think and evaluate situations in your life. In the recent months, I've found a disconnect from people I'd once cared for/about passionately and now feel nothing toward, except (sadly) contempt at times for some. I've come to some painful and startling realizations:

a) they are stuck on an almost adolescent treadmill
b) they only seem to want to act the same with me as they did in years past
c) they want something from me that I cannot give them--and now no longer will, if it was something I had given before
d) there isn't anything left anymore to say; the pretense of the relationship is just that--it's faking it on my part

Today was my last eye-opening lesson and it took less than a minute for the final words to be spoken without me saying "I think it would be best we no longer speak; I've had enough". When a friend becomes defensive and simultaneously obnoxious (when the situation is something that third parties are witnesses to and know I did not create), it's usually the death knell. This was not an exception--and now I am putting it to rest; if I hear from this person (and I doubt it), I will say "we've run our course and our friendship is non-existent, so I wish you all the best".

To be able to see this for what it is can be jolting--and it has been. At the same time, it has freed me up from having to be as phony as how some of my friends have become and I am now able to find the courage to begin to jettison the people I find to be a painful reminder of who and how I don't want to be. I now look at them and I see nothing; I see people I no longer like nor respect. People I no longer feel a need to be in contact with. It's sad, but I want to grow up. I'm 41 and I don't want to pretend I'm anything less.

Some may read this and think I'm angry; I'm not. I never reached a point of anger; I have felt somewhat disillusioned and sad about seeing the non-realistic nature of our "friendships". Some may read this and think I'm talking about them and they would be wrong. I have certain individuals in mind, but if this is misinterpreted, please ask me directly. This isn't a vitriolic invective; it's a chance to shake this tension I've felt for a long time off me. Some may read this and say I'm cold. May be so--but I'm not going to pretend I'm victimized by what I let happen--I let certain friends use me without accepting and then stopping the fact I was being used--but now that it's obvious, it's pointless to let the charade go on.

And you know that when people read this, they automatically amateurishly analyze it and say "he has issues". If being honest and tired and willing to let go of something unhealthy and someone who makes you unhappy to speak to is an issue, then that's how it is.

And so it goes. Basically, now if the phone stops ringing or the e-mails no longer come, that's fine. I'd rather be alone than be as phony as who may be on the other end; I'd rather be alone than have to keep pretending.

Fare thee well, long-time friend. It's over. I wish you a happy life.


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