The birthday see-saw

It's evident that I'm writing at 3:30 a.m.; the morning of my birthday and I've had no sleep. So many things that I've been thinking about have kept me awake. It's not quite anxiety but just so many changes coming up rapidly (understatement?) and I don't want anything to be left undone/done incorrectly/at loose ends. At (now) 43, I feel my age to a great degree.

The change of jobs happens next week; I have some work to tie up and while I'm doing everything I can and am supposed to do, being at the mercy of vendors, etc., may prove to make this transition a little more difficult than I expect. Nonetheless, I'll keep doing what I do with the same professionalism and calm that I have throughout my tenure.

Liz is vigilant and strident in her desire to find a new job and I can't be any more proud of her than I already am. She's taking courses to strengthen and broaden her computer knowledge; she's taking interview-skills classes and she looks/applies for jobs daily. I'm also very happy to see her throwing herself into her writing. She has a natural talent and I see how it makes her feel. I know I needn't worry so much about her as she has focus and drive.

My father is due to move into the assisted living facility this Friday; he doesn't want to go and I (to a great degree) don't want to move him just yet. I want him to be able to also tie up the details of his apartment where Liz and I can pack his things and throw out the non-essentials; to settle his accounts with utilities and let his landlord know that he will be leaving. I want him to do this in comfort; not through the "you have to go into this facility; you have no say in your life anymore". My plan is to call the facility tomorrow and ask if he can move there in March, after his next doctor's appointment. We'll see how that turns out. If they can assure me they will have room for him, I'd prefer this.

There are two too many grand scale changes that would occur this coming weekend and not enough time for adjustments.

It's all been preying on my mind and now it's kept me up all night.

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I went on MySpace for the first time in God-only-knows how long. A dear friend of mine posted a new blog on his page, which was about his old band. It was a two word statement: "eternal disappointment". It really summed up everything for me (vis-a-vis my experiences) as well.

I will say, as a semi-rebuttal: while to him, the band was a disappointment, for me, it was (and still represents) everything I ever found right with being in a band. The music, the lyrics, the message, the style, the hope. He and his colleagues were my sole (soul?) inspiration, so they did something right. They touched a lot of people, none more than myself. And for that I'm still (and will always be) grateful.

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Usually I don't find myself making a fuss over my birthday, but this year I feel more detached from the idea than ever. I don't know if it's age, time (or the lack thereof), distraction or what. I just don't have any feelings on the subject. I don't think I'm getting into one of those "introspective" moods that come with the holidays or the end of the year; I've never been self-absorbed enough to subject anyone to my thoughts, etc. and since my birthday falls in the first week of the year, I don't believe this is the peak moment. I'm just trying to untangle the web of concern, change and uncertainty that this new year has already brought. I don't think that's a negative viewpoint; it just means I need to work through these situations with clarity and reason to have the end result be positive on all levels.

It would also be nice to be unencumbered to the point of being able to confidently say "okay, time to record some more".