Purpose
Understand, the reason I still blog is an immediate aid to whatever is on/in my mind. I don't think about it; I just sit down and type so I can purge. I know I've said many things over the years that have upset people; I can't apologize. It would be hypocritical. I won't censor myself, either. I don't feel I say anything inappropriate or insulting; I admit my own failures and shortcomings in this very public forum, but if I can't be honest even when I'm writing, then really--what's the point of being honest or writing at all?
This is why I need to write what's been happening here. It chronicles my life at points and it's a useful catalog or roadmap so I don't wind up in the same place over and over.
So here's what I have to say for this moment: I am still painfully sad. I will not deny it. The ending of this last relationship, so suddenly, has been a stunning exercise and has me feeling like I've been brought to my knees. I will not point fingers; I take responsibility for having been the co-star of this story.
The fact is when something that good, however brief, ends, it hurts. It stings. It leaves you bereft of something--clarity, breath, perspective--a host of emotions. I want to scream; I have already cried; my hands have shaken--my mind has been both blank and awash with feelings.
Let me tell you something--I'm a human being and it just doesn't go away overnight. When someone says "oh, just get over it"--would that I could. Don't you think I would love nothing more nor less than to just wash it away? When you care so greatly for someone; when they have brought you joy and injected life and good things back into you; when they make you see things in a different light or for the better--how can you not mourn the loss and feel the pain of when it ends? Who wants to lose that? To not see that someone smiling at you; the way they look at you--how it makes you feel. Like you matter. Like they actually care about you. There is no description for it. It just is. And it doesn't matter the "why"'s or "because"'s of the endings--it's always painful. Just like the fact that it was "only three months". Not many people get to experience that kind of passion and happiness in their lifetime. It wasn't "only".
Yes, life goes on. I'll get over it. But the one thing that no one ever comprehends is that sometimes, there is one person who has that something extra special. She was that one extra special. I won't say she was the "great love" of my life; I don't believe I ever had one; I've had a few that I'll never completely shake off--you never do. And you can add this woman to the list. She is still the light; she brought it back to me.
So, I would be a liar if I said I'm over this. I'm not. It took me a very long time to accept that my marriage was over. I didn't want to; I had to. I was forced to. And that made me angry. It was arbitrary. I resented not having a say in whether or not my marriage could be repaired. I resent not having the opportunity to save or fix the things in my life that don't work or are going awry. I couldn't fix my father. I wouldn't fix the band. I don't know if I could have fixed this latest relationship; there are two very strong-willed people involved, but at the same time, they are two people with a history, an understanding and a better grasp of who the other person is. And God as my witness, if I could ever say I loved another human being, it would be her, with every beat of my currently-ice cold heart. And I would have tried to work things through with her. We deserved that chance at happiness. But it will never happen. I am, unfortunately, a realist.
Nonetheless, the reality is that right now, we are not together and that is hard. I miss her. Pure and simple. I want to cry at moments when I think of stupid, trivial little things we did together. Because it was us. Because we were happy; able to smile and laugh and didn't think about the world around us. That's what new-found relationships are supposed to be like and about. Absolute, pure joy. I miss her. She made me smile. Nothing can diminish that kind of loss.
I'm sure I'll see her. While we actually spoke yesterday in harsh tones, today we chatted via text with a polite distance. It's still too fresh; I'm still too stubborn and proud to admit to her that yes, she did hurt me and no, I won't forgive her. I love her, but I'm still hurting.
She made me love her. I'm glad she did.
This is why I need to write what's been happening here. It chronicles my life at points and it's a useful catalog or roadmap so I don't wind up in the same place over and over.
So here's what I have to say for this moment: I am still painfully sad. I will not deny it. The ending of this last relationship, so suddenly, has been a stunning exercise and has me feeling like I've been brought to my knees. I will not point fingers; I take responsibility for having been the co-star of this story.
The fact is when something that good, however brief, ends, it hurts. It stings. It leaves you bereft of something--clarity, breath, perspective--a host of emotions. I want to scream; I have already cried; my hands have shaken--my mind has been both blank and awash with feelings.
Let me tell you something--I'm a human being and it just doesn't go away overnight. When someone says "oh, just get over it"--would that I could. Don't you think I would love nothing more nor less than to just wash it away? When you care so greatly for someone; when they have brought you joy and injected life and good things back into you; when they make you see things in a different light or for the better--how can you not mourn the loss and feel the pain of when it ends? Who wants to lose that? To not see that someone smiling at you; the way they look at you--how it makes you feel. Like you matter. Like they actually care about you. There is no description for it. It just is. And it doesn't matter the "why"'s or "because"'s of the endings--it's always painful. Just like the fact that it was "only three months". Not many people get to experience that kind of passion and happiness in their lifetime. It wasn't "only".
Yes, life goes on. I'll get over it. But the one thing that no one ever comprehends is that sometimes, there is one person who has that something extra special. She was that one extra special. I won't say she was the "great love" of my life; I don't believe I ever had one; I've had a few that I'll never completely shake off--you never do. And you can add this woman to the list. She is still the light; she brought it back to me.
So, I would be a liar if I said I'm over this. I'm not. It took me a very long time to accept that my marriage was over. I didn't want to; I had to. I was forced to. And that made me angry. It was arbitrary. I resented not having a say in whether or not my marriage could be repaired. I resent not having the opportunity to save or fix the things in my life that don't work or are going awry. I couldn't fix my father. I wouldn't fix the band. I don't know if I could have fixed this latest relationship; there are two very strong-willed people involved, but at the same time, they are two people with a history, an understanding and a better grasp of who the other person is. And God as my witness, if I could ever say I loved another human being, it would be her, with every beat of my currently-ice cold heart. And I would have tried to work things through with her. We deserved that chance at happiness. But it will never happen. I am, unfortunately, a realist.
Nonetheless, the reality is that right now, we are not together and that is hard. I miss her. Pure and simple. I want to cry at moments when I think of stupid, trivial little things we did together. Because it was us. Because we were happy; able to smile and laugh and didn't think about the world around us. That's what new-found relationships are supposed to be like and about. Absolute, pure joy. I miss her. She made me smile. Nothing can diminish that kind of loss.
I'm sure I'll see her. While we actually spoke yesterday in harsh tones, today we chatted via text with a polite distance. It's still too fresh; I'm still too stubborn and proud to admit to her that yes, she did hurt me and no, I won't forgive her. I love her, but I'm still hurting.
She made me love her. I'm glad she did.
I keep being haunted by something she said one night when the future was completely open for us to explore and we were happy. We were in a bar and she said "if you ever meet the woman of your dreams, please don't shut me out of your life". I looked at her, dumbfounded. She completely failed to see that she was it. I had the girl and now I've lost her and there's nothing I can do but to move on and forward. Who's to blame? I don't know. Is anyone? I don't know.
I feel emptier than I ever have before. This is a new form of pain for me. I do not know what this is like. At 45, I can truthfully say that I am frightened of something. I want to not care anymore. I want to not feel anymore. I want to be able to just go forward. At this moment, I feel crippled, angry and I want desperately to be able to walk away on my own from it.
How and why do you think I was able to write "She Is The Light"? Because she was.
posted by R L Ross at
4:22 PM
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