Wednesday, February 02, 2005

I get frustration; I wear it like a suit

And as quickly as I attempted to firm up the next recording session for The Punch Line, I was wrong, as yet again my prior "tentative" date suggested was misconstrued as being definitive and without confirmation, I looked beyond it (as you do). I think I speak/write pretty coherent English; I know that I keep it simple and direct, so to be blunt here, it just makes it easier and clearer for me to say outright "why am I wasting my time?". It's reached a point of for all the bombast and "how great the band is", we haven't accomplished anything. If you say you're going to do something, then do it. I look at this as having become a chore that I don't want. I didn't need it before; I allowed myself the flexibility (if that's a diplomatic way of putting it) of seeing if this was something I wanted to do one last time for fun. Now, I can say "no it isn't". Not at this rate.

All my friends and family know that this is not "the dream" or a return to past glories (that we'd made up in our minds); that playing in The Punch Line again was supposed to be an amusement and a chance to finally bring the songs that many people know/knew completely to life via a fully-recorded album that they could "own". The Punch Line would be the vehicle for this. I have no delusions of long-overdue rock stardom, accolades, sales--anything--and I couldn't really care one way or the other. I'm not looking for ego-gratification; I'm not trying to impress anyone (if anything, there's a certain amount of embarrassment in doing this at 40). I just wanted to create this album, have it out and present it to my loved ones so we could all feel the sense of satisfaction that I delivered the goods as promised. With this being now such an arduous process, I can't even see it becoming a reality. Part of my disgust stems from it still being recorded--after a while, you can't help but say "please--let's just have done with this", but I refuse to record anything I deem substandard. That was the problem with Smile, The Punch Line in our original incarnation and prior to that, in Two Minutes Hate. Why spend the time and energies (not to mention the costs) of recording and rushing it if at the end of the day it sounds like absolute shit?

Will I grin and bear it and see it through to completion? Yes. I won't grin (I'm not going to lie about this; enough is enough) but I'll bear it. I want to see my musical child born. It isn't going to set the world alight and it isn't going to put me in the annals of rock history, but I'm sure it will give some of my friends, family and closest confidantes a smile. By knowing that; by knowing what Rob E. and I are creating for the packaging (and whatever other visuals, etc. in the post-release process), then I can validate that I did put my heart into it, even after I unplugged my guitar when the last note faded away.

Am I angry? No. Am I frustrated? Somewhat. The truth is, I'm just bored with the game, but I will see it through to its' natural conclusion.


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