See a little more light
As I navigate the waters of every day, there are moments when, naturally, things become rough and your emotions can get the better of you. Having learned the art of moving on and forward when a relationship ends, I find myself a little thrown off course, though not surprised, at receiving an e-mail today from someone who I no longer have any contact with.
Understand, I made peace with what happened in September; I closed that door and walked away. I meant it when I said I no longer would allow myself to be hurt by someone I loved. That includes the ending of a "friendship" that no longer had any merit. I lifted the clouds from me; I saw a little light and walked out into the brightness of my life and living it again. When there ain't no water in the well, the trough is dry for good.
I was not pleased me to hear from this person today. Maybe because my view is a bit biased, I would have believed that after all this time she would just let things be where they are--in the past. I may be overreacting, but this e-mail smacked of her "poking" (J's term) at me, even though it was meant to be seen as a harmless, hand-outstretched-in-friendship "early birthday greeting". Nothing she ever does goes without having some ulterior motive behind it. I apologize in advance for my cynicism, but I cannot take stock in a single word she writes or may say.
I contemplated writing back a simple, two word "thank you" response, but I have no desire to do so. Being polite is one thing. Being negligent with myself is another. To respond would mean to her that I still care or want her in my life in one fashion or another by opening an avenue for dialogue; I do not. This is not high school or college; these types of games are exactly what I have wanted to get away from completely. I'm 45 going on 46; I will not be drawn into it.
2011 is now upon us and I'm not returning to the saddest thing about 2010. I worked very hard to regain who I am and had always been--not the person I became when I was keeping company with her. I haven't looked back; I haven't wished for us to have some sort of reconciliation - I am not that kind of person. The past stays where it belongs--in the past. I don't relive, revisit or recycle people. And I do not want to continue writing about this subject. It is over in all manners - and it will not change or be repaired, etc. I will not allow people I may have loved but who have hurt me with no cause to do so to have any place in my life. That is where I find the light--in the truth. I share this here because it would be deceptive of me to not use this blog for what it was meant to be--my diary. I have a strength and calm that led me to say all that I needed with no hesitation or regret. My conscience is clear. Her self-fulfilled prophecy came true; when she once asked me "please don't ever shut me out of your life", well, I have. And I am not sorry.
This is a new year; a new beginning again. Out with the old. You open your eyes and everything that was murky and uncertain is now sharp and focused. You see a little light and bathe in it. Instead of delivering platitudes and in actuality being a hypocrite, I prefer silence--it is a far more eloquent and powerful language.
Understand, I made peace with what happened in September; I closed that door and walked away. I meant it when I said I no longer would allow myself to be hurt by someone I loved. That includes the ending of a "friendship" that no longer had any merit. I lifted the clouds from me; I saw a little light and walked out into the brightness of my life and living it again. When there ain't no water in the well, the trough is dry for good.
I was not pleased me to hear from this person today. Maybe because my view is a bit biased, I would have believed that after all this time she would just let things be where they are--in the past. I may be overreacting, but this e-mail smacked of her "poking" (J's term) at me, even though it was meant to be seen as a harmless, hand-outstretched-in-friendship "early birthday greeting". Nothing she ever does goes without having some ulterior motive behind it. I apologize in advance for my cynicism, but I cannot take stock in a single word she writes or may say.
I contemplated writing back a simple, two word "thank you" response, but I have no desire to do so. Being polite is one thing. Being negligent with myself is another. To respond would mean to her that I still care or want her in my life in one fashion or another by opening an avenue for dialogue; I do not. This is not high school or college; these types of games are exactly what I have wanted to get away from completely. I'm 45 going on 46; I will not be drawn into it.
2011 is now upon us and I'm not returning to the saddest thing about 2010. I worked very hard to regain who I am and had always been--not the person I became when I was keeping company with her. I haven't looked back; I haven't wished for us to have some sort of reconciliation - I am not that kind of person. The past stays where it belongs--in the past. I don't relive, revisit or recycle people. And I do not want to continue writing about this subject. It is over in all manners - and it will not change or be repaired, etc. I will not allow people I may have loved but who have hurt me with no cause to do so to have any place in my life. That is where I find the light--in the truth. I share this here because it would be deceptive of me to not use this blog for what it was meant to be--my diary. I have a strength and calm that led me to say all that I needed with no hesitation or regret. My conscience is clear. Her self-fulfilled prophecy came true; when she once asked me "please don't ever shut me out of your life", well, I have. And I am not sorry.
This is a new year; a new beginning again. Out with the old. You open your eyes and everything that was murky and uncertain is now sharp and focused. You see a little light and bathe in it. Instead of delivering platitudes and in actuality being a hypocrite, I prefer silence--it is a far more eloquent and powerful language.
posted by R L Ross at
2:26 PM
1 Comments:
I have never met you or heard of you until today. You see, I went to look at an apartment at 299 St. Marks Place. As I normally do, i like to researh anything or anyone i get involved in. In this case it was the building. As you may know, the internet is full of twist and turns. one search leads to another. Well anyway. I will get to the point. I somehow found your website - Synchronic Entertainment. Later led me to your blog. i was fascinated by your site and wanted to know more about you. Since it appears that you are linked to Bayview House. I don't know if you are the owner, manager or whatever. Anywho. I started reading your blog. I am very impressed by your writings as well as inspired. I am going through some Shxxxt myself. Failed 20 year marriage with two kids. I say all this to say that you have given me hope. It is a new day. A new beginning. And yes, Christmas is overated. Over commercial. Much success to you in your endeavors. Hope to see you around the Bayview House.
JP
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