Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Keep on pushing

The days move like a runaway train; for this I'm grateful. Time speeds up and distances grow further. More and more I feel relief from the pain. It's been a bitter pill to swallow but acceptance was always my saving grace. As the sadness diminishes with every passing day, so too does my desire to grow further beyond who I have been and who I am today.

The gym, in the words of a very dear friend and confidant, is now my solace; my sanctuary. 4, maybe 5 days a week, I'm in there, working out full-on. The weights have become my friends; my partners. I think about the things that brought me unhappiness; my general, normal frustrations and then I feel the drive. I work myself; I work my body hard. I take my time and I don't strain--even after a long day of work, I feel refreshed and revived when I'm done. Other days that I don't lift weights or use the machines, I do cardio, which brings me up in a different way. It's a more meditative time when I'm on the elliptical or the treadmill. I think about me and find a sense of compromise and rationale. I keep a sharp eye on my eating habits; I try to get a decent amount of rest and carry a small amount of hope in me everyday. Hope in strength, hope in my health and maintaining balance.

Writing songs has once again become part of my natural flow. I take my time and mentally lay the songs out; map them in my mind so that by the time the words are completed on the paper, I know what I want to do musically. No longer do I have to backtrack and say "what do I want to do with this one?"--the song is already born complete. My voice is rich and full; my playing is regaining its skill and the passion is there; it's back and even when I do my nightly exercise--30 to 45 minutes--I don't mail in my performances.

When friends call and say "let's get together", I no longer think of reasons not to go and see them. I've reconnected with so many wonderful, genuine people in a completely unsettling time and made new, good friends that I have no desire to lose anyone. Plus, my conscience, for good bad or indifferent, is completely clean. And everyone's honesty and forthright was a big part in the healing process. Sometimes, "told you so"'s are done lovingly and for you to get out of your own way.

I look at this blog and think, it's now 6 years old. Unbelievable. I read back on some of the older postings and think what an arrogant asshole I was. I don't believe that to be the case anymore. I'm hell of a lot older and it seems, by circumstances unwanted, a hell of a lot wiser. So I keep on pushing.


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