Always amazing

I find it interesting how people underestimate me. I don't mean that arrogantly; I am simply surprised at how often it seems to occur.

When the band broke up, everyone expected me to be brash and go off and do something else to spite them. No--I was 41 when I left and I had no desire to do anything of the sort. No one bothered to ask the direct question: why did you leave the band? The answer was simple: I wasn't enjoying it; we weren't really connected any longer and at 41, I felt embarrassed about pretending to be someone I wasn't. That was it.

When this recent "mistake" was concluding, everyone truly close to me and the situation itself knew that when I said "this is about to end", it wasn't an exaggeration, especially since I'd taken all of it so seriously. They tried to brace me, as I had, for what would come.

Yet, some who were more on the periphery - even now - still say things like "well, you were really into this girl; you would get back together with her" and the sort of ignorant statements that people tend to make when they think they know you. It's those judgements of underestimation that amuse me as I get older.

Let me see if I can put this clearly: when you end any "relationship"--regardless of how long it lasted or the dynamic of it--it's not really a good idea to revisit it when someone has been hurt; it just isn't healthy. Things end for a reason. The reason this one ended was very clear--she wanted someone else and was waiting for him. When he said yes, she went--I was the one she hurt. Okay, no room for misinterpretation.

Why would ANYONE consider going back to someone who would arbitrarily do such a thing with no second thoughts? I don't believe in living in the past; I may draw upon experiences so that I avoid making any unfortunate errors in repetition--but I don't return to what was or was not. It keeps me from becoming bitter. I don't collect ex-girlfriends, nor do I gleefully report when they call and tell me that they want to get back together with me. I don't know--I'm not in high school anymore; I'm not out to impress anyone or make them jealous--that kind of behavior is just so fucking embarrassing. I leave the past where it belongs--in the state of perspective.

And people expected me to become emotionally crippled, damaged, etc.--no. I'm sorry to report that I have been given a clarity that I probably didn't have before this whole stupid episode ever began. I'm stronger than ever; I am wiser from the experience and I have a greater sense of pride and propriety than I did before it happened. I've lost 14 pounds; been taking care of myself--treating myself right. So I'm lucky. I go on. I go forward. I am not doomed to repeat the cycles as my former friend has/does/will do. I'm not stuck eating karma stew for the rest of my life. I'm in the here and now. The summer was then. It happened then. Past tense. Present comfortable. Future unknown but hopeful.

I should say this, in all fairness: I have returned to The Punch Line twice before. I would return to The Punch Line again. The Punch Line was my band; it was our band. It's a much more superficial thing--it's no less heartbreaking when things go awry, but it's a relationship that doesn't hurt you the way living a lie through someone else's deceit will.

I love that line: "I gave you diamonds; you gave me disease". How true. Except for the disease part. More like "you gave me nothing". Can we please put this to rest once and for all?