Everything has a price to pay

Not every conversation I have is tinged with reflection or sadness; those who have been generous in closing ranks around me during this time have been good and honest and forthright. No one ever played "yes man" and nodded agreement with me. In truth, it was quite the opposite from the very start. I was warned to be careful; I was begged to stop and think about things that had been said from day one; I was told I could and would be hurt. I did not listen nor heed anyone's warnings and kind protective suggestions. These were all forshadowings of an "I told you so" nature not meant to be malicious. And so I went willingly and did get hurt. It was an education--a sad instance of teaching not wanted, but in hindsight, needed. I was humbled by it and I have seen things in a different light and through the eyes of others.

So as I had to close that door, so too do I have to close another for the last time. There are no ways around the obvious. I need to pick up the physical elements of the life I've been surrounded by for the last decade-plus and put an end to a charade that suits no one and makes neither person happy. My marriage is over; there is no point to pretend that there could ever be any kind of reconciliation; I am not happy--I am not willing to trust as she is not willing to trust. We have grown too far apart, done too many hurtful things and will not meet one another halfway. So this is acceptance. I concede that it cannot be saved; cannot be worked on or a goal of reconciliation worked toward. I see it. I know it. I feel it. I will not look away from the truth. There is no love left here.

Letting go is the obvious. I let go of one person because I knew it would not last and there would only be more unhappiness; yes, there are some residual feelings still inside me, but as time passes, so do the emotions that may linger. With my marriage, it is a very clear statement that while I have to let go completely, there has to be a physical separation in order to achieve peace--certainly, peace of mind for me. A change of job, a change of address--these physical and very real elements would suit me completely. I cannot stay on the treadmill of wanting to insure her safety and comfort: i.e. making sure she remains on my medical coverage, having a place to live, paying her credit card bills. I can no longer be responsible for her life. If this must end, then it must end in total.

I didn't want to be viewed as "the bad guy" by cutting her out of my life in this manner, but I no longer am concerned with how people see me and that isn't being belligerent. Why, in all good conscience and sense, should I continue to keep my life on hold for someone who isn't doing anything to correct her end of a bad situation? I am not a victim--let that be clear--but let it be said that I didn't cause this entire overturning of our life. It goes back two years; it was her actions that caused everything that happened in its wake. She is someone who I no longer know, replaced by a being that I frankly do not like nor want in my life. She is a stranger that I have no reason nor desire to get to know. She has made herself distant from me on all levels; it is blatantly obvious, so why am I to be the better person and allow her to remain in my orbit? I am not a masochist nor am I clinging to her. If it has to be made clear, at this moment for necessity's sake, I have never relied on her for anything, so how is she my responsibility? We are adults and have to take hold of ourselves and the things we do with our lives.