The apologist
Forgive the sarcastic title; I have these moments where I veer from understanding and truly feeling enlightened over to contempt, repressed anger and a need to be brutal in my honesty so I can yet again purge all the negatives that linger in me. Thus I say from the outset, I'm not sorry. I have nothing to be sorry for any longer. It's another form of release. I no longer feel any sense of guilt over anything. I have shouldered and dealt with the things I am responsible for and that is all I will carry. I have looked long and hard over the mistakes I have made; I have circled them, noted them and subsequently will not make them again. I have seen the list of the elements in my life that make me happy and equally unhappy--one set to be polished and cared for, the other set to be discarded and heaped on a bonfire.
I change, it seems, from day to day. I don't mind admitting this one iota. Obviously, in this time, the changes are from the turbulence I've been experiencing and I am suspicious and cautious as to the "movements" (if you will) of others and me treading near those same waters in any way--I have my own "danger ahead" signs posted everywhere. You know, me first--I have to keep complete protection of myself from everyone. It isn't paranoia; it isn't fear--it's the wisdom of time, distance, separation, negation, re-evaluation and extrication. I have had to face some very cruel and painful realities about a few people I have loved and the impact their actions have had on me. And to every action is a reaction.
I don't think of myself being connected to anyone at this time, save for maybe one or two people. I see myself as being a good, safe distance from people--"friends"--as my doubt of their sincerity is at an all-time high. All I think when someone calls is "what do they want from me?". Suspicion heightens and sharpens my senses. And not wanting to make ANY investments in anyone or any kind of "relationships" means I can look long and hard at anyone who calls on me. I've come back to believing in nothing as far as other people are concerned. That doesn't make me feel high and mighty or superior; I just know that the only one looking out for me is me.
There is no crime nor anything negative about putting one's self front and center after experiences like the ones I just had. It means you're able to stop, take stock and re-evaluate where you've been, who you've been, who you want to become and where you want and need to go. You're able to see the kind of people you want to have around you, the kind of people you want out of your life and the kinds of people you want to avoid completely.
I change, it seems, from day to day. I don't mind admitting this one iota. Obviously, in this time, the changes are from the turbulence I've been experiencing and I am suspicious and cautious as to the "movements" (if you will) of others and me treading near those same waters in any way--I have my own "danger ahead" signs posted everywhere. You know, me first--I have to keep complete protection of myself from everyone. It isn't paranoia; it isn't fear--it's the wisdom of time, distance, separation, negation, re-evaluation and extrication. I have had to face some very cruel and painful realities about a few people I have loved and the impact their actions have had on me. And to every action is a reaction.
I don't think of myself being connected to anyone at this time, save for maybe one or two people. I see myself as being a good, safe distance from people--"friends"--as my doubt of their sincerity is at an all-time high. All I think when someone calls is "what do they want from me?". Suspicion heightens and sharpens my senses. And not wanting to make ANY investments in anyone or any kind of "relationships" means I can look long and hard at anyone who calls on me. I've come back to believing in nothing as far as other people are concerned. That doesn't make me feel high and mighty or superior; I just know that the only one looking out for me is me.
There is no crime nor anything negative about putting one's self front and center after experiences like the ones I just had. It means you're able to stop, take stock and re-evaluate where you've been, who you've been, who you want to become and where you want and need to go. You're able to see the kind of people you want to have around you, the kind of people you want out of your life and the kinds of people you want to avoid completely.
posted by R L Ross at
11:35 AM
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