ManicRobThrill

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

What do I want?

A to-the-point shopping list of what I want, now that the cobwebs and deitritus have been collected and swept aside:

- A new job. Two years doing what I've been doing is long enough. I want more money, more responsibility and less micro-managing for the most arcane of duties. I am a professional; I intend to return to that sector.

- My body to heal and regain its strength after the stresses, emotional strains and unnecessary excesses, etc. This is a slow process and I know patience is not one of my strongest suits, but I am learning and am going with the flow. The 4-days-a-week-at-the-gym is slowly starting to pay off, as is the change of diet.

- The focus to record and complete an album's worth of material I am not only satisfied by but actually happy with. I need to remain with my vision in tact and to not allow distractions to come along.

- Someone to share the ensuing good things with that isn't damaged beyond repair; someone who doesn't feel it necessary to lie about everything; someone who isn't needy, someone who will show me equal respect--all in all, a pretty tall order. A nice, decent, attractive woman like that doesn't exist. And I am not exactly going to go out of my way to be some faux-nice/sensitive guy. So it may take a while to shop for that...

- The pleasure of time for myself; if I want to be alone with a book or watch TV or see friends, then I can do so. I like my down time and more so, my autonomy. I don't like forced obligation. Now that my decks are clear, I am not under anyone's servitude.

- A new apartment. I think it is time to move out and into my own space again. Something all mine. I am indebted to no one and have no one else's needs to consider but my own.

- Most importantly, the ability to maintain my sense of rationality, composure, diplomacy and all the elements that make me who I am. I will never question those gifts nor let them be shaken or compromised. I will use all that I have learned to keep myself in complete balance, rather than willingly be fooled by anyone again. We all make mistakes--we all learn lessons. I have now had my one; I have seen how and where I went wrong--I forgot how to say "no". So I will not repeat that error. Nor will I ever believe anything even those closest to me may say--unfortunately it's nearly impossible to discount the notion that everyone is pretty much full of shit.

All that I want are simple, direct and no frills improvements in my triumvirate of mind/spirit/body. I have the criteria and most of these items on my shopping list I've already begun to work towards. It falls back under the heading "putting myself first again".

As the man once said, there's nothing wrong with having aspirations--nothing wrong with walking tall... BUT if misfortune deals the consequences, sooner or later, friend... you've got to fall...

...and that could be properly directed at a few fallen angels I know of.

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