Stop/step back

In looking over yesterday's post I realize I sound too harsh; too angry. I'm not. Let me address it in a succint, to-the-point, just the facts way:

By being hurt, I needed time and distance from the person who hurt me. I was not, at the outset, afforded that. So the healing process couldn't begin when the split occurred. Now I have had some time and distance to think things over and through--more importantly, to step out of myself, the situation and try and see things from an observational point of view, along with the views of friends and people who cared/were sensitive to what was happening.

This is the simplest way of stating it and closing this topic once and for all:

I cared about someone; this person acted as if the feelings were mutual. This person and I had been friends for many years and then became reacquainted earlier in the year. I did not expect, imagine nor plan for this to happen. It did and I was very happy; I believed she was too.

We spent a few months together. There were some very serious, critical moments during that time together. When those things happened, it was me who she called on or I automatically stepped up to the plate and did what was needed/took care of things to make her life easier, etc. This is what you do when you care about someone.

But: I was questioned at every turn. I was always having to prove my worth to her. I was constantly being tested by her. Simultaneously, she would say things that would make me question her and make me wonder if her long-rooted problems were now creeping into this newly-evolved relationship of ours and going to destroy it. I thought she was trying to sabotage "us" before we could have a chance.

I was warned by many friends and some family members to please be careful; something wasn't right and I should take a step back. I had my own misgivings. And I listened to no one.

She ended our time together with the same suddenness that it had begun--it was quick; like a knife blade being plunged right into me. A week prior to the split, it seemed she was happy and looking toward a nice, not-too-distant future. So where did the break happen? What made her do such a sudden turn? She was biding her time with me until someone she was waiting for had cleared his decks and made her his flag of convenience. As soon as he called, she went. Simultaneously, I was feeling the pains of being with her, doubting her and thinking more about what was becoming a mess between this and my marriage--say what you will; I can see how and why I was ready for the finale.

So I immediately focused myself on moving on. The interesting thing is: when a break-up happens, both parties need time and space apart. I know the usual pattern is the person who got "dumped" usually calls the other person within 24 - 72 hours after and begs, pleads, cries and so on. I did not. I heard "it's over" very clearly, along with her very grasping-at-straws reasons why she wanted it to end. I did not call; I did not text or e-mail. I tried to let the shock subside and my feelings to diffuse from having been turned inside out.

She texted me four days after the split. Three times in one day. I chose not to answer; she got very angry and when I phoned her to clarify things because texts don't do anyone any good, she and I clashed. So much for civility and maturity.

I cannot, in good conscience, pretend that we are still friends. Here is why: I did not get what I needed from her--starting with honesty; she couldn't even give me that. Add to the mix that there was an obvious lack of respect by her texting me after we said goodbye and expecting me to respond or to give her absolution.

I never lied to her; I never misled her; I never pretended to be someone I was not; rather, I did everything she ever asked of me. I never made promises--I was as good as my word; if I said I was going to do something, it got done.

I never broke the bond of friendship--I never broke the faith. She completely dissolved our friendship by not having the simple decency to say "we're going too far too fast", etc. Or just saying "I don't want this to go too far--I don't see it lasting". She just took me for a ride. And she jumped off without giving any thought to my feelings. Which makes her a hypocrite. All her talk about having been treated badly and hurt in the past--she is exactly what she claimed to both despise and fear.

That's what I was implying and should have said when I wrote "friends don't hurt friends". That isn't friendship. She ended our friendship. And I am not planning on revisiting it. The pain of our split and loss of our friendship is over. So are the other emotions. Now I'm at a point of being indifferent to it--to her. That was what I meant by I no longer care. I don't wish ill; I don't wish joy--I don't wish anything. I have nothing to say or offer when it comes to her or the topic of her. I've exhausted my supplies and ideas. I have said everything I'm going to say. She's someone I was acquainted with; as a friend and briefly as more. And I couldn't tell you anything beyond that because I didn't really know her. It's called "I made a grave mistake"; I own it, I admit it and I've moved on from it.

She once said "please don't ever shut me out of your life"--I know now that was the set-up; I should have braced myself for the fall--or turned and walked away from her right then. I didn't. For all the times she said "you're going to get tired of me and leave me", I didn't. I gave it my all. She lied. She failed. And now I have shut her out of my life and there isn't a sense of loss.

Everyone should always take someone else's declarations with a grain of salt. It can be a saving grace when that person is not who they present themselves to be.