You shouldn't go home again
Did you ever get a phone call, letter or e-mail from someone you hadn't seen/heard from or thought of in years? I have. On several occasions. At the outset, you're happy and excited to hear from them; there may come moments when you remember why you lost communication. Or that moment of dread when you think "why are they getting in touch?". And you remember why you no longer wanted to keep them in your life. I've had a lot of that over the last few years; some instances were welcomed; in fact, hoped for (as with my cousin); some have been stunning surprises and most have been "oh well... maybe that wasn't such a great idea".
The problem in reconnecting with someone you knew or were involved with in a past life is misperception. They may expect you to still be that same person they knew then, which you would hope, you are not now. And that's a bad thing. I've gone through this syndrome X amount of times and even though I was able to gently say "you know, I'm not him anymore. I've grown; I've changed", more often than not, words fall on deaf ears. It used to anger me; now I shrug my shoulders as when I'm in one of these situations, I've realized that while I've changed, the other person has not. And I presume that reaching out to me is a form of them trying to recapture a part of their past. It's a kind sentiment, to be sure, but I have grown more and more disdainful towards it.
You wind up reliving the "good old days", with the endless anecdotes of what was and you laugh. Or, the flipside being the person always tells an embarrassing story about you in that time where you wind up being the point of ridicule when you didn't ask for it. Then it becomes almost the repeated basis of conversation. You wind up having a chat that you could have recorded in 1983 and saved for posterity so as not to tread on already-walked upon ground. It's a bit deflating when you try to talk about all the good things that are going on in your life and all the other person wants to do is show and tell everyone around them how it used to be--the in-jokes, the places you'd hang out at, the people you knew--the need to impress. A cliche, but also a sad state of affairs.
The most uncomfortable of all has to be meeting up with (or actually being contacted by) an ex. While I occasionally get a friendly e-mail from a few women I dated casually, I shudder to think what would happen, should I ever hear from one of my former girlfriends. I'm not hoping for it; I don't dread it; I don't care overall but if it should happen, that's fine; I'd go to meet as it's only proper--but it's a point of thought in all this. As I've said before, if they wanted to communicate or actually meet, I'd just hope they wouldn't look at me as the guy I was but who I am now--happy, healthy, in complete control and settled in all aspects of my life.
The past is supposed to be something to draw upon with pride and affection; as a means of knowing how not to repeat mistakes and for the broad strokes on the canvas of perspective. It's not supposed to be today. Be here now--this is where I am. I am here. Where are you?
The problem in reconnecting with someone you knew or were involved with in a past life is misperception. They may expect you to still be that same person they knew then, which you would hope, you are not now. And that's a bad thing. I've gone through this syndrome X amount of times and even though I was able to gently say "you know, I'm not him anymore. I've grown; I've changed", more often than not, words fall on deaf ears. It used to anger me; now I shrug my shoulders as when I'm in one of these situations, I've realized that while I've changed, the other person has not. And I presume that reaching out to me is a form of them trying to recapture a part of their past. It's a kind sentiment, to be sure, but I have grown more and more disdainful towards it.
You wind up reliving the "good old days", with the endless anecdotes of what was and you laugh. Or, the flipside being the person always tells an embarrassing story about you in that time where you wind up being the point of ridicule when you didn't ask for it. Then it becomes almost the repeated basis of conversation. You wind up having a chat that you could have recorded in 1983 and saved for posterity so as not to tread on already-walked upon ground. It's a bit deflating when you try to talk about all the good things that are going on in your life and all the other person wants to do is show and tell everyone around them how it used to be--the in-jokes, the places you'd hang out at, the people you knew--the need to impress. A cliche, but also a sad state of affairs.
The most uncomfortable of all has to be meeting up with (or actually being contacted by) an ex. While I occasionally get a friendly e-mail from a few women I dated casually, I shudder to think what would happen, should I ever hear from one of my former girlfriends. I'm not hoping for it; I don't dread it; I don't care overall but if it should happen, that's fine; I'd go to meet as it's only proper--but it's a point of thought in all this. As I've said before, if they wanted to communicate or actually meet, I'd just hope they wouldn't look at me as the guy I was but who I am now--happy, healthy, in complete control and settled in all aspects of my life.
The past is supposed to be something to draw upon with pride and affection; as a means of knowing how not to repeat mistakes and for the broad strokes on the canvas of perspective. It's not supposed to be today. Be here now--this is where I am. I am here. Where are you?
posted by R L Ross at
11:58 AM
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