ManicRobThrill

Friday, January 07, 2011

Mine

Number 46. While I'd anticipated and hoped it would be a happy, stress-free day (if nothing else), it has not been the case, even this early on. My arcane plans for gym/Target/groceries has been thwarted by the elements and as a born-and-bred New Yorker, I loathe the snow; I've always hated winter. Although I have an SUV, it makes no sense to drive across and around the Island in this, especially since other drivers are not as careful as I am--why, I've never understood. Nonetheless, I will do the laundry (another thing off the to-do list) and find other ways to enjoy my day (somehow, I hear the lure of my Guild calling...).

I have received innumerable e-mails and postings on my Facebook page for my birthday and for my prior postings. I have to confess, I thought the tenor of what I was trying to convey was a point of perspective and clarity with the necessary distance of objectivity. If I came across as embittered or still angry, believe me, I'm not. What's done is done. And I am not, nor have I ever been, the kind of person to revisit an unhappy experience that ended; I've never been the type to re-open Pandora's box. I have a great deal of peace and light and joy that may not always be exhibited, but I am happier than I have been since the upheavals of last year.

Now--not just with this being the start of another new, fresh year or it being my birthday--I have regained total control of my life. There is no one and nothing that is going to come before me or get in the way of what I may want or need; my happiness, health and balance are my priority and I will not allow even the slightest bit of interference. No one can dictate to or make demands of me; I stand and walk on my own. As I have stated previously, "constructive selfishness" is what makes a person complete--not other people nor objects. If you don't put yourself first, no one else will--and that is not an empty cliche. That is just the way of the world.

I am wholly alone on this birthday and I don't mind. Better to be alone than to have others bring their negative personalities and energy into a positive circle. Although I don't drink, I will raise a glass later in the day and toast myself for having the ability to see it all so clearly and to be able to savor my own reawakening. Joy is mine for the taking and I am taking it. So happy birthday to me. And to the others who see only the darkness: I'm sorry, baby, but you can't stand in my light anymore...

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