Pre-judgment at dawn

Dreary grey skies seem to spark the ease to write, even this early. Had my mind rife with ideas for lyrics and a few thoughts I'd put down here. Admittedly, I love the flow of excitement in thinking, writing, creating and learning again; I feel like I'd been out lingering in the wild wood somewhere for ages. The emotional and artistic coma/stupor/call-it-whatever-you-want has lifted and I'm where I should have been all along. It makes my coveting the new iBook even more daunting--(thinking out loud here) if I had one, I could get everything down in order, instead of writing notes and then going back later, etc. So I have something else to look forward to. Short list, you know--iBook, house, car. That's all.

No greater a feeling than having a small pile of periodicals, books and net articles (the Washington Post, the Daily News, etc.). The greatest crime a person can commit is to not read; to not expand one's knowledge. I don't mean that in a pompous way, either. I remember an incident where a dear friend said to me, completely straight-faced, "I don't read unless I'm in school and since I'm not in school, I don't read". What made that statement so horrific is that he wasn't (isn't) feeble-minded or uneducated. So I do look down on people who choose not to nourish what God gave them--a blank canvas mind to fill in with colors and words. Of course, that also means (fill in the contradiction now) I would have to give a shit about the human race in general, which I don't...

The fact that I am an out-of-the-closet misanthrope who couldn't give a flying fuck about people (who I think are generally self-absorbed, self-congradulatory and willfully oblivious/ignorant twats) doesn't prevent me from appreciating whole-heartedly the people I do call my friends. More often than not, I just smile benignly and nod and pretend to care when I have to listen to someone prattle on about their life's miseries or their fabulous new car. Uh, yes, I could care less. What gives me the endless laughs is when some hapless bastard goes on with their New Age/Dr. Phil/EST-styled homilies and horseshit-fests. Liz, B., J.W. and several others along with myself have had THIS discussion and oh my, do they wind up looking even dumber than when they actually started sermonizing. You know, they climb up on that wobbly moral high horse of theirs and start dishing out the spiel... It reminds me of that passage in the book version of High Fidelity, when Rob visits one of his former girlfriends and she and her husband roll out the couples' cliche carpet. It's like The Swan said yesterday "If they have to talk about how much they love their spouses and tell you how you can make your marriage work, then you KNOW things really suck for them". Naturally, I agree with him. I don't talk about my marriage because Liz and I are happy and that's all. People always seem to be waiting for the ellipsis and they try to pry it with "...and?". And what? Don't look for an answer--you'll only be disappointed.

Another topic of recent coffee chat has been the idea of someone's misperceptions from the get-go. I'm sure you've come across these assholes once or twice. They meet you and immediately:
a) Have an automatic/set image of what they think you are like/what you are about
b) Think they "know" you because they think you're "like them" (egocentric projection)
c) If they knew you in the past but have only recently reconnected with you, they think you're the same person as you were then.

This, in a nutshell, is the main reason why I so despise most people. The ignorance. My favorite (please note, tongue firmly in cheek) line is:
"You know, you look like the kind of guy who...(fill in the blank)"

How would you know? You just met me. You know nothing about me, you stupid cunt.

And yet this seems to happen more often than any other reason for personality conflicts. It used to bother me--now it makes me laugh as it gives me great verbal cannon fodder. Really is a strange phenomenon at its' core. Some people think I'm some kind of jokester--automatically ready for hi-jinks and yuks; some people think I'm weird because I have a thick beard and I don't smile (wow!) and some people--well, I don't know what they think and don't care what they think because they're meaningless in my orbit. For my part, I automatically wait for a reason to like or dislike a person and then I can either embrace you or unleash the venom. I always have a healthy supply of contempt and scorn at the ready. I don't need to get into shouting matches or histrionics--I just ignore you. The shut down on people I don't want to be associated with is unnoticeable--my weapon. Thus, my aura is pretty regularly becalmed and my countenance is near beatific when in said mindset.

Of course, I've known many who would read the above or discuss the above and would say "if you didn't care you wouldn't write about it. It must bother you". No. On the contrary, it's simply reportage. It's perspective and by not caring, you can look at it all objectively. Like I said--insignificant because it's those kind of people I wouldn't entertain the notion of spending any time with except when it's absolutely (unfortunately) necessary.

The idea of "fake genteel" is hideous. I'm only saying what most people think. It's not to be taken as bombast or grandstanding but just part of the topic of conversations that you do have with like-minded, socially-mature and bullshit-free individuals. And as it's been well-documented, if I was this hateful or truly strange being, then I wouldn't be married and wouldn't have the close friendships and relationships with my family that I do have. Almost all of my relationships aren't ephemeral; they've been (for the most part) very long-term. Sometimes there are amputations and sometimes there are additions, as that's what keeps life moving along.

As Brother Roland tends to say...what a bunch of fucking knuckleheads.