A few minor thoughts...

First and foremost, after having the blood test on Saturday morning, I already got the results - my PSA is down to 1.3/9.2 - significant beyond words.  This shows the aquablation procedure was a total success and I couldn't be more relieved.  If I'm correct, when I see my urologist this week, he'll tell me I won't have to come back until November.

It was a beautiful "yes, it's definitely spring" weekend - but today is humid and rainy.  Nice to be in the office, though.

Looking forward to actually taking the car in for a repair - nothing major; just annoying and costly, with both time and money.  But it has to be done and I want things to continue running smoothly.  I'll have them do an oil change at the same time.  I hate having things at loose ends and this will have been three weeks of a not-working tire pressure gauge system/light.  Last time (a decade ago?), it was all 5 gauges - hopefully it won't be a repeat.

Someone was asking me last week about what it was like to be in a band.  And the answer is this:  it was a joy; it was a sense of pride and the total sum being as to who I was at the time.  I am very proud to have been in The Punch Line - especially the first/four-piece iteration.  I thought we made great music and we were as good as anyone we were fans of, if not sometimes better.  My regret is the natural one:  I wish I knew then what I know now.  Perspective, time and wisdom makes me wish I'd acted differently and not made everything concerning the band be so important. It never needed to be a house-on-fire scenario all the time and yet, we never could get out of our own collective way.  I'm just as culpable as anyone and I regret not having that sense of rationality at the time.  And being who I am now - or where I'm at - I don't know if I could play in a band-scenario again.  It has nothing to do with the people involved - I would attempt to do it with The Punch Line - yes, that's not a bold statement; it's just sense.  But:  we're all strangers now; two of us are in our 60's; I don't know if I can remember or play any of our songs - and most importantly, it would be a tremendous mental chore to put myself in the mindset of playing with a band, even if it was only for one night.  

The point:  I'm not that person anymore.  It's reality.  It doesn't mean an outright "no" - just the fact that I haven't done it in a very long time and have, for all intents and purposes, put my musical life behind me.  And because I'm at this point, I wish I'd savored it a lot more.

My favorite time again...

There's never a better time of year than May.  It's when everything becomes alive again.  It's warm; jackets can be abandoned; the sun shines brighter; the smell of cut grass and different flowers are everywhere in my neighborhood.  Three people I love were born in May; I met someone and had a lasting relationship begin in May.  It always signifies good things.

The next few weekends are already filled - two of them with medical visits - PSA blood test tomorrow; urologist next Friday- I have to take the car for a minor repair, which will unfortunately set me back a bit financially - but at least we're moving things along.

I've completed almost a full month at this temp job.  I still like it; I like the people - I'm trying not to think too far ahead and I'm not going to try to speed things up, either.  I have to let the universe unfold naturally and at the same time, continue to send out resumes and take interviews whenever possible.

Calm.  One step at a time.  Just enjoy the moment.

Riding the calm(er) surf

As it stands, I'm now completing my third week at this temp job and it seems to be going well.  Certainly, I've received many kind compliments and some surprisingly positive texts from the agency people, saying how "everyone there loves you - you're doing a great job".  It's a genuinely nice thing to hear/receive, but it's also reassuring.  

I'm not going to obsess, overthink or over-analyze why I feel this calmness - considering all that's tied into having left the last job at a particularly ill-timed moment.  Obviously, it wasn't my choice, but I'm untangling everything that could have been worse - if anything, I think I may be able to clear the decks while I'm in this state of "temp-to-perm" because I'm being financially smarter than before.  It's not willy-nilly debt or irresponsibility; it's simply correcting a tax error that needs to be paid off, which I'm doing - and paying down the minor credit card bill - which is also being taken care of.

You know, when it rains, it pours.  You have something that lasts for decade - then it breaks or has to be replaced and it costs.  And when several things go at once, it piles up.  That's all it is.  And it's being paid down.  I would love to pay bigger chunks faster, but okay - patience is the way.

A moment to breathe

For now, I can somewhat exhale.  I started a temp position this past week - interviewed last Friday; was told I had the job on Monday afternoon and started Tuesday morning.  As of the next three months, it's an hourly-paid position, at which time, it could go permanent.  It wouldn't be exactly as much as I had been making - less, actually - but it would be a solid salary and could lead to other opportunities.  Certainly, in the very brief time I've been here, the people are very nice - this is a different atmosphere than I have been used to over the last several years - and that is a welcome change.  

I've thought back over some of the jobs I've had and tried to understand why I wind up being the odd man out.  Sometimes, it's numbers - I get it.  Especially in a volatile climate, like we're in now.  Sometimes, it's the nature of the industry - like when I was in music.  It was frequent and it made things uncomfortable on a fairly regular basis.  Sometimes, it's mismanagement - when the powers that be really don't know what they want or what they're doing.  Regardless, I feel that I'm at that point of just listen, take notes, comply and be collegial - don't be any more than I am now.  Don't try to "fit" the atmosphere (like the record company days) - just breathe and pay attention.  

I don't know where this current position will go, but it would certainly be nice to have a solid paycheck and working with (so far) very nice people.  I don't need to be any loftier than that.  If something permanent were to come along, I would weigh it.  As it is, I've had numerous interviews over these last two weeks (and even prior to then) and they're all either trying to low-ball the salary or hem and haw.  Now I know why people have a defensiveness towards headhunters/recruiters - it's all smoke and mirrors and inevitably, they overplay their hand.  

While the agency that landed me this job was expeditious, I do think it's interesting that somehow, more agencies aren't as intensely driven to place people.  And - in a kind-of-funny twist, the only other time I got a job through an agency was Atlantic Records - who hired me the day I after I began as a temp.  A simple "you know, after one day, we really like you and want to know if you'd be interested in staying permanently" and that was it.  

In any event, I'm mildly relieved for the moment.  Taking the small pleasures in good people, great office atmosphere and convenient location - I'll take it.

Unforeseen changes

I had started another post as the spring began, but things have taken an unwanted (although not unexpected) turn - I was laid off from my job on March 28th.  I could feel something wasn't right - this began in the autumn - and in the last few weeks, it became much more uncomfortable.  I even said as much in my last post.  I had a sense of dread on Friday, which is something that doesn't often happen, but it did.  I packed my things and left quickly and quietly and now I'm trying to do everything possible to find something immediately.

It doesn't matter if it's part-time, full-time, contracted, etc. - I just want to be able to get back to working as quickly as possible.  I'm keeping myself occupied and focused and not allowing myself to slip into a state of panic or fear.  Moving forward and keeping positive is the only way to navigate things.

I've sent out numerous resumes (even before this happened); I accept and will take any interviews that are offered; been to meet with a headhunter in person and went to the Department of Labor to make sure that my signing-on for unemployment was done correctly and to set up meetings with their job search team.

This isn't a time for self-pity or hand-wringing; it just needs to be done.  And in those hours when I've exhausted the tasks necessary, I'll go to the gym to help my body and mind.

It's all anyone can do.

Steps away now...

Thirteen days and counting until spring is official. The sun is shining through my window and it negates any need for lights.  The transition to daylight savings time was not even noticed - I slept soundly and solidly last night.  For all of the tensions and discomforts I've had recently, at the moment, I'm calm.  I did a lot of reading this weekend, having caught up (finally!) with all the magazines I get, especially the literary ones; I even re-found my footing and did my first album review in a while.  That was nice, as the music is good and I know what I'm writing about is true/accurate.  This will go live tomorrow morning - it's oddly exciting again.

These last few weeks have been tougher; certainly more difficult than it's been for a while, including after the medical procedure.  All of my orbits and atmospheres have been heavy and uncomfortable.  I feel a sense of uncertainty that I refuse to let turn into outright dread; hence, joy of a weekend like the one that just passed.  Did nothing to make myself anxious, uptight, nervous, projecting, etc.  Every time I felt a twinge of uneasiness, I'd think of something else; divert my attentions.  Subsequently, I'm in an okay mindspace today.

So much so that I did decide that this coming weekend, I would finally get one of the guitars - probably the Taylor - out and start to revisit things.  Refamiliarize myself with the songs I haven't touched in years now.  I don't know what it may mean - maybe nothing at all - but I think it's because I just want to do it.  No other motive or reason really necessary.

It doesn't hurt that a bad hockey season is giving way to the start of another baseball season - which firmly says "warmer weather is here".  Thus, I'm trying to gather all the positives to make them a good buffer in case of interference.

For S.C. - 10

I was initially going to write this on Friday - which was the 10-year anniversary of Susan's passing.  She was my first long-term/serious relationship and I am still pained by the fact that she was taken too early.  I don't think I have much I can say that won't sound like forced and over-dramatic emotions for the sake of writing.  But I will say this much:

We were together for seven and a half years.  We were young - I was 21; she was 18, when we met.  In many ways, we grew up together and then apart.  We had many wonderful times and some not-so-great moments, especially in the last half-year of our relationship.

We never spoke again, after our final phone conversation - ironically, it was on Valentine's Day, 1994.  It was a very long, sad and sweet exchange.  And even though we never did talk to one another again, after all those years, she was always going to remain a part of me.

39 years after we met and now 10 years since she's gone, she is still a part of me.  She always will be.