Twenty six...

I'm not being cryptic - if you know me, you know it's mine and Liz' 26th wedding anniversary today.  Glad to see that we're both still here and riding each wave together.

Tomorrow I have to go for "preadmission testing" at the hospital.  Nothing invasive or strenuous, I believe and it should only take 2 hours, all in all.

I've tried to go over every possible detail in preparation for post-surgery, since I won't be driving or grocery shopping or going out for the few days after discharge.  I think I have all the details covered, save for actually placing the Fresh Direct order, which I will do as soon as the date opens.  

I don't know that I have anything else to say at the moment - I'm turning a blind eye to politics because everyone is so ill-informed, willfully ignorant and incapable of holding a rational, civil discussion.  The so-called "party" politics is just screaming, finger-wagging and frothing-at-the-mouth insanity.  And at this moment, I don't have any need for it.

Just going to try and float (so to speak) through the next week(s) and follow doctor's instructions so that I can go through the surgery, recovery and heal properly.

Autumn stone redux (ad infinitum)

The results of the MRI showed no cancer.  Thursday, October 3rd, I have to go to the hospital for "pre-admission testing" - blood test, EKG, X-ray.  Then, Thursday, the 10th, is the procedure.

I am nervous and frightened and I hate it.  I know this is the only option and it's a non-cutting surgery, but it's the aftermath/recovery that has me so bent out of shape.  A catheter for 6 days; then having to go across the island to the urologist's office for him to remove it has me even more on edge and knowing there are at least 2 - 4 weeks of seeing blood in my urine after that.  The immediate pain and discomfort - I'm going into uncharted waters.  It's all very unnerving at this age.

The benefit is that it will help reduce the enlarged prostate by clearing away the scar tissue; hence, the use of lasers and water; it will take pressure off of my bladder and (hopefully) lessen the possibility of prostate cancer.  It will also reduce my PSA.  And - as per my doctor - I will no longer need the medication I've been taking for the last two years.

It's the tension leading up to this that's been getting to me.  And it's a beautiful time, with the transition from summer to autumn.  It's been magnificent here - light jacket weather immediately; wearing socks and letting my hair grow back in...  The baseball pennant race has been fun - and yet, I'm not able to allow myself to enjoy.

The short version:  I want this to be over and to heal properly and successfully..

Wait and see (redux)

Tomorrow is the follow-up urologist appointment after last Thursday's MRI.  I'm a bit shaky and nervous and hope there isn't anything serious (except an obviously enlarged prostate).  It's also the last appointment before the aquablation procedure on October 10th.  

Truth be told, I've been getting bent out of shape - right or wrong - whenever I think about it.  I know it's a brief, non-cutting procedure, but it's surgery, which I've never had.  I have to have a catheter for five days after I come home and then have to go across the Island to have the urologist remove it at his office.  I fear the pains of the aftermath and how long it will take to recuperate.  I know a lot of it is irrational fear but I am scared.  It's not like something you do as a precaution, like a colonoscopy (which this summer will be time for another) - I don't know, but I'm definitely not in the best of head spaces right now.

I'm thankful for having had the vacation so I didn't/wouldn't be thinking about all this.  But now the reality is right in front of me and all I can hope for is nothing as a result of the MRI. 

Refreshed but now come the challenges...

Finally had that long-overdue and sorely needed vacation in Tampa.  Everything about it was perfect - the flights were comfortable; the rental car and hotel room were upgraded gratis; the hotel has a private beach; we were in the gym after breakfast each day and everything we did was fun and interesting.  Even after we arrived home, things ran smoothly - the car service got us home within a half hour; the laundry was done immediately and we ordered groceries from Fresh Direct to be delivered on Sunday morning so we wouldn't have to go shopping.

Reiterating:  the concept of a vacation is to "vacate".  To not have to think about things that cause stress, aggravation or negativity; to not have to visit people or have an agenda - this time was spent relaxing and letting go of what's been on my mind, which was a welcome distraction.  So I feel good, spiritually and mentally.

I know that feeling is going to be short-lived since I have the MRI next Thursday at noon and then have to see the urologist the following Friday.  All of this is gearing up towards going into the hospital in October, which I admit, I'm nervous about.  I know it's been said that it takes about the same amount of time as a colonoscopy - which I've had and will need to do again next summer - but the whole ordeal is just hard to digest.  No one wants to have medical procedures or stay in a hospital.  

I'll continue to focus on my diet; working out and keeping my stress levels as low as possible in an attempt to once again bring down my PSA level.  And I will keep trying to maintain positive thoughts as the surgery date draws closer.

Vacation... all I ever wanted (redux again!)

Less than two weeks to go until vacation.  Our dear friend, Sheena, has the keys and the only items left to take care of for her stay at our apartment is to grocery shop and (hopefully) refill our laundry card (an unwanted/unnecessary inconvenience and headache).  My suitcase is packed but I still want to go over everything to make sure that I don't take non-necessities and don't forget essentials!

Another regular doctor's appointment this Saturday; an MRI in September and the aquablation procedure is now scheduled for October 10th.  Even though it's only a one-night stay in the hospital, knowing I have to have a catheter in me for almost 5 days afterwards makes me VERY uneasy and uncomfortable.  I will again "interrogate" my urologist when I see him in September as to why I would be sent home with one, since all information I've read has said it's removed when a patient is sent home.

Nonetheless, at least we also have the Paul Weller concert to look forward to in September, as well.  I have a strange feeling this may be one of the last concerts I attend - simply because I can only enjoy seated venues and just about everyone else has now retired.  Funny thing is that I would never have equated the word "retired" with musicians, but this is the march of time.

The way things have been - not just personally, but in the global sense - I don't think I have any firm answers or clear way forward except to keep the world (not reality) at arm's length and focus on me, Liz and our personal orbit.  Rationality dictates to try and find a happy and healthy balance, and I think that is the only option.

I've realized that aging doesn't offer clear-cut solutions but shows the overall map of contradictions - leaving us to try and navigate the waters as best we can and only for ourselves.

Summer in the city... (redux infinitum)

Uncomfortably hot at the moment - more humidity than heat, which is making it difficult to want to think (ha ha ha); I just want to lie on the floor of my living room, in the dark, with the air conditioner on and watching movies - not having to commute into work!  I love my job but the humidity has crept in and it's hard to cool down.

Went for my dental appointment last week - all is good there.  Had my PSA blood test on Saturday morning; the results are not as good as they'd previously been - the number has gone up again.  Will be seeing the urologist this coming Friday.  Taking care of all the necessities.  Another regular doctor's appointment in the first weekend of August and then...  finally, our vacation.

In between all that, I'm going for a long-planned, criminally-overdue spa day - most likely, the weekend of the 23rd.  Time to really start pulling it all together.  And a spa day, complete with massage, etc., will help clear my mind before the vacation - and the vacation will help me deal with going into the hospital.

When I do see the urologist on Friday, that's when we'll start to plan the procedure, which will probably be, as briefly discussed, in October.  I know it's soon, but I do want this to be over with.  I know it's serious enough to have to have it done, but I'm uncomfortable with what happens afterwards; the recuperation.  How long will it take, etc.?

I don't think I'm being ridiculous, but I do have my trepidations, etc. A lot to digest and time just keeps going by faster...

The door into summer is about to open

Finally booked a vacation for the first time in eight years - going for a week to Tampa in August.  Looking forward to actually traveling again, even though I always have my moments of trepidation when it comes to flying.  Which is oddly contradictory, since I love airports.  Nonetheless, it's really happening.  The plans have been arranged; flights, hotel and car rental; time taken off from work.  Just waiting to confirm if a dear friend will be able to stay at our place to take care of the girls.  The itineraries are being mapped out; where to go, what day, etc. And most importantly, I have the hotel restaurant's breakfast menu (ha ha ha), which is key.   It's been a time to stop and reset; to breathe and try enjoying all the little elements.

The whole thing snowballed on the Memorial Day weekend Friday - I took the day off work to have time for myself.  Came into Manhattan, got the annual head shave and went up to the Village for food, etc. - even though Warby Parker failed me and didn't have the glasses frames I wanted (grrrrr).  I stopped at Garden Of Eden on 14th for their heavenly everything bagel with cream cheese, salmon, lettuce, tomato, onion and capers and their equally amazing blueberry cake; walked all the way over to Smor for a cardamom bun and a blackberry donut and then down to Away, the luggage store on Bond St. (that was quite a hike in 80 degree heat, but great exercise!).  I had ordered a new suitcase and asked that the store hold it for me, rather than run the risk of having it stolen if it was delivered to the apartment.  While I was there, I asked them if they had another of the same in olive - they thought I wanted to swap it out - but I bought it as a surprise for Liz.  Of course, logic dictated carrying the two boxes of suitcases may not be the easiest or smartest thing in the world to do, but... I decided to treat myself to an Uber home, which was fantastic.  Rode in comfort and style in a Tesla... and it set the tone for the fantastic, relaxing weekend ahead.

And the same goes for last weekend as well - utilitarian, but everything I had on my checklist was done in a crips and orderly amount of time - from stopping at the dry cleaners to finally getting a file cabinet at Staples (which, like the suitcase, is being delivered to the store and I'll pick it up this Saturday) and then finally - after 13 years - treated myself to a certificate for a spa day.  Stopped at the spa and will book the day on a Saturday at the end of July - just before Tampa.  This weekend will be back to Staples, stop at the new Warby Parker at the Staten Island Mall (how timely!); I need to assemble these great shoe storage boxes and install the air conditioners.  We'll have lunch with my aunt and uncle on Sunday and I can't think of better ways to spend a weekend.

Next items to start checking off the list would be Jon and I doing a new episode of "Radio City..." and me actually picking up a guitar; my shoulder has healed enough that I think I should start going to the gym again.  And to re-focus on my diet, since I'd lost 21 pounds; I want to regain the drive - not the weight.

As I said, it's the little elements of everything I've been doing recently that I savor.  It helps me think clearly and maintain balance. Most importantly, things simply get done.