Fighting the good fight

I admit - again - I am not in the best frame of mind since I took this job.  It's taking a physical, let alone emotional, toll on me.

These are the simple facts, with no hyperbole or self-pity:

- the person in the position I was hired for doesn't last a year; constant turnover

- same applies with general staff.  No one - save for three people - have been there longer than a year

- the director is abusive on countless levels:  constant belittling, criticizing, poor communication.  Saying something once to a person does not mean they will automatically understand or remember it.  

- I now have constant anxiety which is an uncomfortable and difficult thing to cope with.  I don't know if I should see a doctor at this point, but I cannot seem to control it and it's frightening.

Without being flippant, I would welcome being let go so I can breathe again.  I'm doing everything possible to find a new job as quickly as possible and leave under my own volition, but I cannot see this continuing for much longer; it's dragging me down completely.

I feel so disconnected; I have no joy and I want a reason to laugh and smile; I want to be engaged in conversations with friends and loved ones, but I find it hard to concentrate.  It's an unhealthy, disturbing obsession and I'm not sure how to navigate this.

Sometimes...

...you have to admit when you're wrong.  And I have to be honest - I was completely wrong about this new job.  Considering that I went into it with hope and positive thoughts.  This isn't victimization, but I was misled - grossly - about what was expected of me and the necessary knowledge I would be bringing to the position.  Most egregiously, I was never given any notion about the violently high turnover rate - for both my position and the general staff.  So I'm already in the hunt again.  

It really affected me greatly last week; hit me hard and rattled me so much that I couldn't sleep at all on Friday night.  Watched movies until about 2:30 a.m. in desperation of needing to laugh.  Which isn't my usual thing, to say the least.  But I have tried to shake it off as best as I can and have made it through this week with some semblance of calm and maintaining my sense of rationality and re-focus.  Had several phone calls with headhunters and an actual first interview earlier today.  

Given time, patience and the necessary due diligence, I will find something quickly and move on from this unforeseen headache.

Onward and upwards!

As the song says...

...I'm going through changes.  BUT - for the first time in a while, I can say this may be a very good, positive one.  As of the first Monday in February, I begin a new job and I'm looking forward to the opportunity.  As one gets older, positions like this do not cpme around often and after several months of speaking, it seems like the interest they had in me was serious enough to merit an offer two days after my 58th birthday.  It took no time to consider and say "yes".  And while turning in my 3 1/2 weeks' notice turned unnecessarily ugly at the outset, I'm now just a few days from wrapping up my life of the last nearly-two years.  I'm fine with it. 

I'm hoping that good things lie ahead.  I want to do well; contribute, learn and succeed.  I don't have any preconceived notions about what will happen, but I would like them to be of value and positivity.

Ringing in the new...

Funny thing - as I've said on numerous occasions, the passing of another year is an anti-climax as one gets older.  I'm going to be 58 in a few days.  It still startles me at moments; to look at that number and think I'm of that age.  I'm glad to still be here - don't get me wrong - but aging is something I don't think any of us are truly prepared for. 

I was in bed by 12:15 on New Year's Eve - there's nothing much to celebrate, especially as time goes by and more people depart from our lives - either by the dissolving of a relationship or their death.  I'm not trying to be gloomy, but in the last several years, I've had to say goodbye to too many friends, prematurely.  It emotionally drains you.  And things that once held some relevance no longer have the same meaning.  I know that must sound terribly defeatist, but it's not.  It's just that things change; time negates a lot and what once mattered doesn't - at least not in the same way.

I do hold an optimistic hope that 2023 will be just a little better than 2022 - for me, a little less trying and stressful, with better/improved health.

I wish only good things and the best for everyone else.

Another year on...

It only just dawned on me that this blog is now 18 years old, which is pretty amazing, if you think about it.  Blogs came and went in the blink of an eye - and not long after I'd begun this one.  It seemed by 2008, it was outmoded and "yesterday's news".

I know I had a yen for it at the outset and then found myself less participatory over time, but I'm glad it's endured in the sense that it's still a good place for me to jot down some thoughts to see where I'm at.  I do cringe at the earliest entries, as they seemed petty and unnecessarily ascerbic, but that was then.

I'm glad to be continuing into my 19th year with this and will keep it going, even if it's only a singular monthly post, until Blogger shuts down.  Which I'm glad it hasn't.

Happy holidays to all.

Winter's bone

Still an uneasy/unsettled time.  So many uncertainties and discomforts - with my health, my job and the world in general.  

I'm following all doctors' orders and have been going for tests, taking medication now, etc. and doing what needs to be done in order to prevent the onset of prostate cancer.

My job is in an unhealthy, unstable atmosphere and I cannot, in good conscience, continue to play this game and pretend to be fine about the way people are treated, etc.  I'm too old for this and it's just getting harder and harder.

The world seems to still be looking for reasons to be angry and finger-pointing; misguided politics and ill-informed spewing of nonsense is now the order of normalcy.  It's tiring and draining.  

I can see from as objective a viewpoint as possible why I'm so disconnected.  I'm not angry - just emptied.  The pandemic saw so many of my friends and long-time relationships disappear.  Not because of me or even them, but because the circumstance turned people inside out.  

I don't subscribe to the idea of "oh, next year has got to better" - I would prefer to just wait and see, while preparing for the darkness and cold of the oncoming season.

Where do we go from here?

Still a strangely transitional time.  I don't feel 100% healthy - fighting off a standard head cold, aside, I am somewhat uncomfortable in the aftermath of my prostate issues and hospitalization.  I think I need to accept and adjust to the idea that I'm probably not going to be at the standard that I was accustomed to - age, illness and time is not helpful.  If I can put my mind in the right frame, I'll be okay. 

It doesn't help that I'm continuing to deal with an insurance company that is denying my hospitalization, saying that I didn't need it - according to them, sepsis didn't warrant an I.V. and an infectious disease doctor monitoring my white blood cell count...  Infuriating as it's frustrating, time consuming and crass beyond words.  But I am not giving up; I'm working with a very good, caring advocacy group that deals specifically with this kind of nonsense.  Which is a shame, but I'm grateful for their help and input.  So we'll see where and how this goes.

I'm trying to re-establish a sense of being sociable again, as well.  Had friends over to the apartment for the first time since before the pandemic started; had a wonderful day out.  Good vibes, pleasurable company and a lot of laughs, which, I realize, I've missed.  Making an effort to speak with friends on the phone and solidify relationships of substance.  It surprises me how much I've distanced myself from people in general - I only ever seem to speak with 4 or 5 people and they're family.

I'm not sure I even have an answer as to the "how" or "why", but I do know that I really need to improve my approach and re-spread my wings of friendship, companionship and the like.  It's not hard to do but it's been difficult to motive myself.