Time and the widening river

Last month was one of the most difficult in recent memory.  The stress, caused by my job, took me into a mindset that I desperately tried to claw my way out of.  Things affected my health so much that my PSA level is slightly elevated, as is my blood pressure, which had my urologist (of all people) concerned.

I've been trying hard.  Very hard.  Not to sound brash, but speaking with many of my colleagues at work, I KNOW that it isn't me and that I'm not alone.  So...  I've adopted something of a "fuck it" attitude towards work.  I do my job but I will not let it consume me as I had (quite wrongfully) done.  And it seems to be working.  I go in; I do a full day's work and I go home.  I won't check emails in the evening and I'm minimizing the amount of time I do any work on the weekend, since I'm not paid overtime.  AND, most importantly, I continue to try and find something else.

The other thing is this May had a double 40 year anniversary.  My emotions were already churning by the time the two dates came around.  The first was May 16th, when I first met Susan and would proceed to spend the next 7.5 years of my life with her.  She passed away in 2015, but the night two people meet and launch into a deep and (predominantly) loving relationship is something you don't forget.  The other was May 18th - that was the day The Punch Line was officially born.  Susan called me to ask if we were going to get together during the week; at a point in the conversation, she asked me if I came up with a name for the band yet.  I turned my head to sneeze; as I did, I saw The Minutemen's "The Punch Line" album on the table and I answered her "yes - I just did."  Both are very warm, happy memories that I treasure.  It's just been a very tough time recently.

I can breathe a little easier now, but my guard is by no means lowered. 

What May come next...

Yes, I know - unnecessary play on words, but so what?  I'm at a crossroads again.  

This new job has turned out to be a disappointment; an even-unhealthier atmosphere than the one I just ran from - and worse, I'm working on the weekend again for no overtime (and a substantially smaller, regular salary) - last week and this weekend.  I am unhappy about this; I was not trying to kid myself that I'd found something that would buoy me up, but for it to reveal itself as such a toxic (sorry for the cliche, but that understates it) place on SO MANY LEVELS is confounding.  

Nonetheless, as I did previously, I will just have to view this as a temp position and hope to find something so I can move on as quickly as possible.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself - this is just the way it is.  

May has always been my favorite month and this one feels slightly off - also because the 1st was the 40th birthday of someone who was incredibly important to me and we didn't get to spend it together, which also makes me sad.  She exited my life during the pandemic - no crossed words; no arguments - no reason that I was ever able to figure, but... I hope she had a happy birthday; she will always be a part of my heart.

Maybe I'm fooling myself, but perhaps things will get better soon.  Hope and the ability to push forward is all I have. 

Sunday, Sunday (redux)

It's still Passover; it's Easter and the weather is warm - while I'm getting ill from too much heat being pumped into the apartment, which we can't control.  I opened the windows, but there's no breeze or cooler air coming in.

I feel relaxed, which is nice - healthy and helpful.  I have a blood test coming up in a few weeks and then the now-annual urologist appointment in May; hopefully, my PSA level is still low.  

There isn't much to say.  Day-to-day life is work, come home, repeat through Friday.  I have an eye on finances and I'll try to work out the plans for a vacation this year.

I don't mind not having much reportage; better it be brief and positive than long and emotionally purging. 

What a difference from before

I've completed three weeks with the new job and so far, I do like it - the people; the work, the ideas behind it.  There are trying moments, but it has to do with circumstances that existed before my arrival and the process of cleaning it all up, which is a task, but very necessary and once completed, will set the agency on the right path to greater success.  The commute isn't bad and the neighborhood is interesting and actually nice - convenience on so many levels.

It's getting warmer; winter is over and the baseball season has begun, which brightens up my days a great deal. 

My only concerns are financial, but being cautious and smart will help get me through whatever I'm worrying about - it has been worse on previous occasions, so I will take that as part of the overall scope.

As it's been said many times, tomorrow never knows... 

Sunlight peeks through...

A few weeks ago, on a Friday, I went to work - filled with the same dread and anxiety that had taken hold after my first week at the job I started in January.  It was the first warmer day we'd had in a while; the sun was shining.  After about two or three hours, I couldn't take being in that office and left on the pretense of being ill.  I went home, picked up lunch, did laundry and relaxed.  I received a call late in the day to come into an office in Brooklyn the following week for a job interview, after a friend asked me for my resume - he gave it to his boss and she wanted to meet me.

I went the following Friday on the interview and met this incredibly kind woman who didn't so much as interview me, but had a conversation.  Within ten minutes, she said she wanted to offer me the position as her assistant and offered me more money than the job was slated to pay.  i happily accepted; we continued to talk for a while and I left with a physical offer letter in hand.  I was elated and relieved.

When I gave my two weeks' notice to my job, it didn't make me feel any better or less tense, etc.  Those last weeks were going to be a hellride.   Yesterday was my last day - I left by 11:30 a.m. because after three days of watching a few unnerving events in that office, I didn't want to deal with it any longer.  There was no point in making myself any more ill than this job had already made me.

This Monday I start my new position.  All I want to do is look towards learning, understanding and taking the reins of this job; being responsible and consequent and doing good work.  It's not lofty or unrealistic.  I just want to contribute in a meaningful way and be able to breathe before, during and after work hours. 

Trying to stay the course

It hasn't been an easy month at this new job; it seems to be the kind of thing that seeps into your bloodstream, preoccupies your weekend and causes sleepless (or at the very least, non-restful) nights.  I'm trying to find ways to not let it affect me for the long-term:  immediately switching my mind out of work mode when I leave the office; creative visualization and meditative thinking about things that give me joy and upcoming events that I know will make me smile and relax (like our vacation this August).  

I was saying to someone earlier that if I were younger, perhaps it would be easier to cope with; perhaps I could let it all run off my back (like I used to do).  But the truth is, as you get older, it's harder.  You're in a much more tenuous position where you feel like you're constantly under the microscope.  I do know - SADLY - that it isn't just me, either.  And I don't mean my co-workers, although it's evident they have a breaking point; everyone I know has been working at jobs that just leave them drained and (frankly) unhappy.

While I find myself fortunate that being an "administrative professional" does still have some merit, to be able to continue living in New York on barely sustainable salaries makes things uncomfortable.  Certainly, my last job paid me enough to pay the rent and cover the basics, but I had to take money from savings to manage some unexpected/unwanted bills.  This job may help in putting the money back in the bank and eliminate the credit card balances, but is it worth the possible (genuine) health risks?  

Answer:  I've already updated my resume and am still answering ads on LinkedIn and Indeed, with the hope that I'll catch that break I've needed for so long.  Until that time, I just have to keep focused on getting the job done and tuning out when the work day is over.  

Righting wrongs

I did as much due diligence as possible when I was offered the two jobs last month.  There weren't any favorable reviews for either, when looking up their ratings as far as what it's like being an employee; both had nothing but negatives.  One offer was much more money but longer hours, further commuting and a contract position.  The job I accepted was permanent, convenient for travel, a bit more casual and less money.  Both were, frankly, no-win situations, but I felt I could steel myself into just focusing on learning the job and planting my feet.

I was wrong.  Within two days, I knew it is not going to be sustainable.  It would be silly to try and describe with accuracy what the atmosphere is like, because in so many ways, it's unbelievable.  The difference between this and my folly three years ago with that architecture firm I joined is that I know how to be able to maintain my mental and physical health, which I didn't at that time - I went into it blind and the consequences were dire.  Sadly, my fears were confirmed by the end of the first week, when a new co-worker who joined on my third day told me she was ready to quit after only 72 hours.  We had a good conversation in which I told her to try and hang on and not to let it affect her (I know - easier said...).  I said we need to try and learn as much as possible; it's our responsibility for the moment and to remember that at the end of each day, we're able to go home and be in our own space.  I think it was for both our benefits, but the fact that she was so uneasy so quickly just verified my own thoughts.

So I'm back to putting out resumes again;  I'm approaching this as if it's just a temp job - still making sure I do what I'm supposed to do, wr hen I'm supposed to do it; pay attention, take notes and do not allow myself to feel the stings of public embarrassment when the principle screams and insults me.  Just let it go immediately and keep working.

I honestly don't know how this firm has managed to stay in business with the way the staff is treated, but that's neither here nor there.  I just know what I have to do for the here and now.