Summer in the city... (redux infinitum)

Uncomfortably hot at the moment - more humidity than heat, which is making it difficult to want to think (ha ha ha); I just want to lie on the floor of my living room, in the dark, with the air conditioner on and watching movies - not having to commute into work!  I love my job but the humidity has crept in and it's hard to cool down.

Went for my dental appointment last week - all is good there.  Had my PSA blood test on Saturday morning; the results are not as good as they'd previously been - the number has gone up again.  Will be seeing the urologist this coming Friday.  Taking care of all the necessities.  Another regular doctor's appointment in the first weekend of August and then...  finally, our vacation.

In between all that, I'm going for a long-planned, criminally-overdue spa day - most likely, the weekend of the 23rd.  Time to really start pulling it all together.  And a spa day, complete with massage, etc., will help clear my mind before the vacation - and the vacation will help me deal with going into the hospital.

When I do see the urologist on Friday, that's when we'll start to plan the procedure, which will probably be, as briefly discussed, in October.  I know it's soon, but I do want this to be over with.  I know it's serious enough to have to have it done, but I'm uncomfortable with what happens afterwards; the recuperation.  How long will it take, etc.?

I don't think I'm being ridiculous, but I do have my trepidations, etc. A lot to digest and time just keeps going by faster...

The door into summer is about to open

Finally booked a vacation for the first time in eight years - going for a week to Tampa in August.  Looking forward to actually traveling again, even though I always have my moments of trepidation when it comes to flying.  Which is oddly contradictory, since I love airports.  Nonetheless, it's really happening.  The plans have been arranged; flights, hotel and car rental; time taken off from work.  Just waiting to confirm if a dear friend will be able to stay at our place to take care of the girls.  The itineraries are being mapped out; where to go, what day, etc. And most importantly, I have the hotel restaurant's breakfast menu (ha ha ha), which is key.   It's been a time to stop and reset; to breathe and try enjoying all the little elements.

The whole thing snowballed on the Memorial Day weekend Friday - I took the day off work to have time for myself.  Came into Manhattan, got the annual head shave and went up to the Village for food, etc. - even though Warby Parker failed me and didn't have the glasses frames I wanted (grrrrr).  I stopped at Garden Of Eden on 14th for their heavenly everything bagel with cream cheese, salmon, lettuce, tomato, onion and capers and their equally amazing blueberry cake; walked all the way over to Smor for a cardamom bun and a blackberry donut and then down to Away, the luggage store on Bond St. (that was quite a hike in 80 degree heat, but great exercise!).  I had ordered a new suitcase and asked that the store hold it for me, rather than run the risk of having it stolen if it was delivered to the apartment.  While I was there, I asked them if they had another of the same in olive - they thought I wanted to swap it out - but I bought it as a surprise for Liz.  Of course, logic dictated carrying the two boxes of suitcases may not be the easiest or smartest thing in the world to do, but... I decided to treat myself to an Uber home, which was fantastic.  Rode in comfort and style in a Tesla... and it set the tone for the fantastic, relaxing weekend ahead.

And the same goes for last weekend as well - utilitarian, but everything I had on my checklist was done in a crips and orderly amount of time - from stopping at the dry cleaners to finally getting a file cabinet at Staples (which, like the suitcase, is being delivered to the store and I'll pick it up this Saturday) and then finally - after 13 years - treated myself to a certificate for a spa day.  Stopped at the spa and will book the day on a Saturday at the end of July - just before Tampa.  This weekend will be back to Staples, stop at the new Warby Parker at the Staten Island Mall (how timely!); I need to assemble these great shoe storage boxes and install the air conditioners.  We'll have lunch with my aunt and uncle on Sunday and I can't think of better ways to spend a weekend.

Next items to start checking off the list would be Jon and I doing a new episode of "Radio City..." and me actually picking up a guitar; my shoulder has healed enough that I think I should start going to the gym again.  And to re-focus on my diet, since I'd lost 21 pounds; I want to regain the drive - not the weight.

As I said, it's the little elements of everything I've been doing recently that I savor.  It helps me think clearly and maintain balance. Most importantly, things simply get done.

Reality and the next steps

Work is good; very good.  I like this job and the people I work with a great deal.  I feel valued; I contribute and I have nothing but positives.  It's been a joyful uplifter.  

Clover is now seven months old; she's a happy, healthy, sweet and very loving kitten and she brings us nothing but happiness.

My health is in a state of slight imbalance.  Saw something slightly alarming last month and made an emergency trip to my urologist.  He scheduled a cat scan and a cystoscopy - his fear was possibly bladder cancer.  Having been down the road with the prostate cancer scare two years ago, I simply said "let's schedule these."

I saw my regular physician a week ago - my blood tests showed even lower cholesterol and glucose levels than before; my blood pressure is normal and healthy.  The blood test and catscan showed no bladder cancer.  The cystoscopy, which was painful but not like the prostate biopsy, showed that my bladder is now being compromised by my enlarged prostate.  So...  I will have to have a procedure - most likely in October - to basically reduce the prostate and restore full function to my bladder.  It's not surgery - no cutting - but I will have to be in the hospital for at least a day or two.  It's called "aquablation", done with lasers and water.  It takes less time than a colonscopy and has a 98% success rate, which is very reassuring.  The negative - I'll have to have a catheter for the five days of immediate recuperation, which is something I'm having difficulty in trying to digest.  The process is:  go in on Thursday; be discharged on Friday - come back on Tuesday for the catheter removal.  Very hard to imagine.

But - in order to regain some normalcy with my body, it must be done.

So, as always, I'll just go forward.

April rains (ad infinitum)

The second of two - and maybe more to come this week - ugly, dark, cold and heavily rainy days.  Today is not a good day, as I had to take an emergency day off from work; I had to book an unwanted appointment with my urologist's office.  I won't go into the unpleasant details, but there was a serious concern yesterday morning when I got to work that made it necessary to call and ask to come in.  I'm doing everything I can to not overthink things - it could be nothing.  But I want to be checked and tested and have facts, not speculation.  I don't feel ill; I've been fine, so that's why I was (for lack of a better word) alarmed.  We shall see.  

Having to drive to the opposite end of Staten Island in this downpour is not a good thing; however, it was quiet and the streets were not heavily occupied.  All in all, the next steps are clear - three tests to ensure that this isn't serious (hopefully) and what may have caused it (more importantly).

Unlike 2022, when I had the cancer scare, I'm not letting this consume me.  I want to know the realities, not the unnecessary fears.  And in that respect, I'm well ahead of where and how I was then.  It doesn't make it any more palatable that this month is just one long medical headache - 2 blood tests, visit to my regular physician, cat scan and then this awful procedure.

Grin and bear it, I suppose.

March of times...

The countdown is on; the clocks have been set forward an hour and then spring will finally be here in another four days.  I can't wait.  Having been feeling so good and so different, the change of seasons only brings better, more (inevitably) optimistic feelings.  These positive vibes I attribute to the recent purging of parts from my past life.

It's an interesting thing - when you actually stop and take a long, hard think and reassess/re-evaluate everything; who you are, who you thought you were and who you would like to and should be.  If you have a sense of balance, perspective and reason, you wind up thinking clearly, rationally and pointing your own way forward.  It's hard to explain, but my best guess is that you know this is that "final chapter" phase - not in a morbid way - and that there are still good things ahead and life can be enjoyed in a different fashion - you just can't keep being who you were.

Regardless, I do feel pretty good (especially after a 21-pound weight loss - and going for more); as soon as my shoulder starts healing, it's back to the gym and I'm now looking forward to a week away in August (LONG overdue).

So spring has a lot of happy table settings ahead!

Before the seasons change...

I decided with the oncoming spring - albeit a little over a month away - a massive purge would be helpful, since I've been lax in doing it with consistency over the last few years.  It's not about accumulation, but the proverbial "out with the old; in with the new" and letting go.  There isn't clutter (or worse), since I'm neither a pack rat or (God forbid) hoarder - I just want room and to see some of the past physically disappear.  

In going through my drawers and closets, I made an observation that while I'm very good at maintaining what I have, keeping things longer than a decade when you haven't thought about, seen or done anything with them, isn't a worthwhile proposition.  Starting with the most obvious and basic place, it began with my clothes.  Two enormous plastic bags filled with items from the early 2000's is the first massive step forward, including getting rid of my too-many-to-count rock t-shirts and jerseys.  Shoes, pants and coats that no longer fit, look awkward or age-damaged all went.  Regular shirts were replaced by simple classic/elegant/austere/age-appropriate ones and it makes an immediate impact in positive ways.

Turning 59 last month made me realize that I'm not who I used to be.  That isn't bad, frightening, upsetting or the slightest bit negative.  I see myself exactly as what I am - a man in the late stage of his life.  And I'm comfortable with that; I'm fine being 59.  I wouldn't feel right in an old Van Halen concert jersey or wearing old Kickers shoes that I've had since my Atlantic Records days.  It has nothing to do with anyone else; this is all about me and what I can no longer see or view myself as.  And it makes me very happy.  Acceptance is everything. 

The next thing is to see if I'm ready to start selling off some of my guitars.  There are signs that it may be time - I don't play; haven't played and really, haven't had the desire to, either.  Again - none of this is negative; it's good.  The realization that something you once loved - held sacred - no longer interests you is a very powerful thing.  You can use it for positives or you can let it make you sad and wrapped up in a coccoon of the past, which isn't constructive.

It's great to have been young and had so many varied passions, motivators and inspiration.  And I couldn't ask for more.  I'm fortunate and grateful to have had all of it.  But now, it's time to keep moving forward.  I have the memories - I don't need the physical "stuff".

Turn the page; turn the corner...

I thought I'd wait a few days after my birthday to post.  Turning 59 sounds and feels a little surreal, honestly.  I've been doing this blog since I was 39 and THAT was an oddity!  But now, I do feel the pangs of time and age creeping up with me.  And yes, I am well aware that it's reality.  It doesn't make it any better or easier.  

The world itself is simply on a one-way runaway crash course with itself.  I have little-to-no time or desire to speak with people, save for what I need to do as far as work goes; my friendships no longer have any great meaningfulness, I'm sorry to say.  I don't trust most people and "friends" have proven themselves to be the least trustworthy or deserving of time and effort.  Not being a fatalist or negative - I just see everyone and everything as they are now,  I don't want to spend an afternoon "reminiscing" or talking about nonsense.  It's just unnecessary and wasteful.

By turning 59, I'm lightening the load.  I don't need excess or abundant anything in my life - not people; not items - nothing.  I'm working/focusing more on contentment and peace.  It's good for the mind and body.