A rational purge

For the sake of clarity and getting it out of my system, this is full context of why I've been so down for such a elongated period.

After being laid off in March, 2025 from my last full-time job, I had a very nice 9 month temp assignment from April to December last year.  I was offered a full-time position with a law firm at the start of January, so there were no losses in income or time.  The problem was the law firm was a horribly abusive atmosphere - reminiscent of that architecture firm I joined in February 2023.  This had to be seen to be believed - the lead lawyer/head of the firm is prone to violent outbursts and it made life absolute hell.  I went on an interview in February for a non-profit in Brooklyn and was offered a job on the spot.  I accepted and gave my two weeks' notice to the law firm. 

On the surface, the non-profit seemed like a nicer place to be, albeit for less money.  Sadly, I was wrong.  It took very little time for my new boss to show her true colors, which are disturbing.  People have been leaving en masse.  And it's taking a toll on me - emotionally, mentally and physically.  I work at home on weekends, just to give myself a little breathing room when I'm in the office.  I hate it.  I'm incapable of having a normal conversation now.  I don't want to speak with anyone.

I had an interview on a beautiful Monday afternoon at the beginning of May with an architecture studio, also in Brooklyn.  After a very nice conversation, I was (once again) offered the job on the spot, which I accepted.  It's something I'm experienced with; the money would be back to a normal range and it's in a neighborhood I'm familiar with.

I was told we would do one more conversation and then the job would begin in July, which was fine.  I didn't hear from them again until the beginning of July for that second/final interview, where everything was mapped out.  I was told "we will be sending you the offer letter by tomorrow."  By the end of that next day, I'd received nothing and emailed them.  Their HR person said that it had to go through legal and compliance first and then it would be sent immediately and I could give my two weeks' notice to the non-profit.

Then silence.

That was July 8th.  I've sent two follow-up emails and received no response.  I've had a two-round interview with a political relations firm but didn't get to the third round.

I'm frustrated and tired and living on stress, which does no good for someone who's 61.  I dropped 30 pounds, essentially, and I'm always tired.

I just want something good; something positive to happen - the change I need.

That's all. 

Still waiting and hoping

Without giving too much away, I recently had some very good news - I haven't wanted to divulge much because I didn't want to jinx myself.  The problem is, after this good news, I haven't had any response, even though I've followed up.  All I get is radio silence, which is concerning and frustrating.

I'm not asking for much - just an answer and clarity so I can start to solidify plans.  

I know... patience pays.

But after all the frustrations and unhealthiness of the last eight months, this one piece of the puzzle would be a truly welcomed change. 

Beginning to see the light...

There is hope.  I'm not being cryptic.  This nightmare that I've been in since January (two jobs, each successful in making me physically ill plus the unending emotional stress) may be coming to an end soon.  I don't want to jinx anything, but it does seem that better things are around the corner.  Just patience and calm is what I need to fend off the ugly daily reality.

When the moment comes, I am ready for the change.  With hope, vigilence and reason.

For this moment to be able to actually breathe, I am grateful. 

A powerful reminder and moment

While things haven't been great or positive, I did want to take a moment and say something.

I'm very happy to be here and able to see/experience another milestone in our country's evolution.  I was 11 during the Bicentennial in 1976; it was an incredible time to be a child and to have such a thing occur.  We spent a lot of time in Pennsylvania during that summer and it led me to a great, deep love of Revolutionary War history. 

I'm now 61 and am equally thrilled and proud to be around to see the United States celebrate its 250th anniversary.  It's an amazing occasion and it doesn't matter what your political stripes are.  You should be happy, have fun and take part in enjoying what we all have.  

I know I am. 

Time and the widening river

Last month was one of the most difficult in recent memory.  The stress, caused by my job, took me into a mindset that I desperately tried to claw my way out of.  Things affected my health so much that my PSA level is slightly elevated, as is my blood pressure, which had my urologist (of all people) concerned.

I've been trying hard.  Very hard.  Not to sound brash, but speaking with many of my colleagues at work, I KNOW that it isn't me and that I'm not alone.  So...  I've adopted something of a "fuck it" attitude towards work.  I do my job but I will not let it consume me as I had (quite wrongfully) done.  And it seems to be working.  I go in; I do a full day's work and I go home.  I won't check emails in the evening and I'm minimizing the amount of time I do any work on the weekend, since I'm not paid overtime.  AND, most importantly, I continue to try and find something else.

The other thing is this May had a double 40 year anniversary.  My emotions were already churning by the time the two dates came around.  The first was May 16th, when I first met Susan and would proceed to spend the next 7.5 years of my life with her.  She passed away in 2015, but the night two people meet and launch into a deep and (predominantly) loving relationship is something you don't forget.  The other was May 18th - that was the day The Punch Line was officially born.  Susan called me to ask if we were going to get together during the week; at a point in the conversation, she asked me if I came up with a name for the band yet.  I turned my head to sneeze; as I did, I saw The Minutemen's "The Punch Line" album on the table and I answered her "yes - I just did."  Both are very warm, happy memories that I treasure.  It's just been a very tough time recently.

I can breathe a little easier now, but my guard is by no means lowered. 

What May come next...

Yes, I know - unnecessary play on words, but so what?  I'm at a crossroads again.  

This new job has turned out to be a disappointment; an even-unhealthier atmosphere than the one I just ran from - and worse, I'm working on the weekend again for no overtime (and a substantially smaller, regular salary) - last week and this weekend.  I am unhappy about this; I was not trying to kid myself that I'd found something that would buoy me up, but for it to reveal itself as such a toxic (sorry for the cliche, but that understates it) place on SO MANY LEVELS is confounding.  

Nonetheless, as I did previously, I will just have to view this as a temp position and hope to find something so I can move on as quickly as possible.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself - this is just the way it is.  

May has always been my favorite month and this one feels slightly off - also because the 1st was the 40th birthday of someone who was incredibly important to me and we didn't get to spend it together, which also makes me sad.  She exited my life during the pandemic - no crossed words; no arguments - no reason that I was ever able to figure, but... I hope she had a happy birthday; she will always be a part of my heart.

Maybe I'm fooling myself, but perhaps things will get better soon.  Hope and the ability to push forward is all I have. 

Sunday, Sunday (redux)

It's still Passover; it's Easter and the weather is warm - while I'm getting ill from too much heat being pumped into the apartment, which we can't control.  I opened the windows, but there's no breeze or cooler air coming in.

I feel relaxed, which is nice - healthy and helpful.  I have a blood test coming up in a few weeks and then the now-annual urologist appointment in May; hopefully, my PSA level is still low.  

There isn't much to say.  Day-to-day life is work, come home, repeat through Friday.  I have an eye on finances and I'll try to work out the plans for a vacation this year.

I don't mind not having much reportage; better it be brief and positive than long and emotionally purging.