Look, know, think, learn...

When one life finishes, another one starts... and so it has. No sooner than things ended, I was surrounded by a great deal of love, affection and protection from the most amazing emotional support system any human being could ever ask or hope for. To my family and friends who have been with me, all I can say is thank you - it goes beyond words but my love and appreciation is with each of you. For that, I am truly blessed. I'm someone who understands the word and concept of "grateful".

Rebuilding is something I've always done and been good at; I don't falter, I don't sit around licking my wounds, I don't believe in feeling sorry for myself. Things happen, sometimes things you don't want. And you have to deal with it. You shake the cobwebs out of your head and you push on through. I'm not going to waste any further time, space or words on a subject that has been rendered meaningless and is dead. When something is over, you just move forward. You never look back.

I am creating--writing, playing, focusing on the one thing everyone presumed (or I let presume) I'd abandoned. No. More than when I was younger, I still have the ability, the skill, the talent, the gift to write and sing. And where there were maybe a handful of random songs hoping to see the light of day, now are a small pile waiting to be sorted through to see which will be amongst the ones recorded first. I am training myself physically; revisiting the discipline I abandoned so recklessly. Spending 4 to 5 times a week in the gym, pushing myself to be healthy, both spiritually and in body. I have the warmth of Sahaja Yoga and the blessings of Krsna; I keep company with good, kind, honest people; I am embraced by those who see me and accept me as I am. I am loved. And where I thought for a moment, I might be dead inside, I was wrong. I am (at this point) reaching a higher awareness than I thought I'd even had before. I am learning and rapidly evolving--in a direction that I'd started to take before derailing myself with my mistakes (and by some of life's circumstances that I had no say in).

My ship has been righted. I am more comfortable in my skin than before; I am more focused and in control of my wants and needs and desires than ever. And I'm walking in the direction I started to once but got away from. That mistake won't happen again. History will not repeat, but new histories are to be written.

Purpose

Understand, the reason I still blog is an immediate aid to whatever is on/in my mind. I don't think about it; I just sit down and type so I can purge. I know I've said many things over the years that have upset people; I can't apologize. It would be hypocritical. I won't censor myself, either. I don't feel I say anything inappropriate or insulting; I admit my own failures and shortcomings in this very public forum, but if I can't be honest even when I'm writing, then really--what's the point of being honest or writing at all?

This is why I need to write what's been happening here. It chronicles my life at points and it's a useful catalog or roadmap so I don't wind up in the same place over and over.

So here's what I have to say for this moment: I am still painfully sad. I will not deny it. The ending of this last relationship, so suddenly, has been a stunning exercise and has me feeling like I've been brought to my knees. I will not point fingers; I take responsibility for having been the co-star of this story.

The fact is when something that good, however brief, ends, it hurts. It stings. It leaves you bereft of something--clarity, breath, perspective--a host of emotions. I want to scream; I have already cried; my hands have shaken--my mind has been both blank and awash with feelings.

Let me tell you something--I'm a human being and it just doesn't go away overnight. When someone says "oh, just get over it"--would that I could. Don't you think I would love nothing more nor less than to just wash it away? When you care so greatly for someone; when they have brought you joy and injected life and good things back into you; when they make you see things in a different light or for the better--how can you not mourn the loss and feel the pain of when it ends? Who wants to lose that? To not see that someone smiling at you; the way they look at you--how it makes you feel. Like you matter. Like they actually care about you. There is no description for it. It just is. And it doesn't matter the "why"'s or "because"'s of the endings--it's always painful. Just like the fact that it was "only three months". Not many people get to experience that kind of passion and happiness in their lifetime. It wasn't "only".

Yes, life goes on. I'll get over it. But the one thing that no one ever comprehends is that sometimes, there is one person who has that something extra special. She was that one extra special. I won't say she was the "great love" of my life; I don't believe I ever had one; I've had a few that I'll never completely shake off--you never do. And you can add this woman to the list. She is still the light; she brought it back to me.

So, I would be a liar if I said I'm over this. I'm not. It took me a very long time to accept that my marriage was over. I didn't want to; I had to. I was forced to. And that made me angry. It was arbitrary. I resented not having a say in whether or not my marriage could be repaired. I resent not having the opportunity to save or fix the things in my life that don't work or are going awry. I couldn't fix my father. I wouldn't fix the band. I don't know if I could have fixed this latest relationship; there are two very strong-willed people involved, but at the same time, they are two people with a history, an understanding and a better grasp of who the other person is. And God as my witness, if I could ever say I loved another human being, it would be her, with every beat of my currently-ice cold heart. And I would have tried to work things through with her. We deserved that chance at happiness. But it will never happen. I am, unfortunately, a realist.

Nonetheless, the reality is that right now, we are not together and that is hard. I miss her. Pure and simple. I want to cry at moments when I think of stupid, trivial little things we did together. Because it was us. Because we were happy; able to smile and laugh and didn't think about the world around us. That's what new-found relationships are supposed to be like and about. Absolute, pure joy. I miss her. She made me smile. Nothing can diminish that kind of loss.

I'm sure I'll see her. While we actually spoke yesterday in harsh tones, today we chatted via text with a polite distance. It's still too fresh; I'm still too stubborn and proud to admit to her that yes, she did hurt me and no, I won't forgive her. I love her, but I'm still hurting.

She made me love her. I'm glad she did.

I keep being haunted by something she said one night when the future was completely open for us to explore and we were happy. We were in a bar and she said "if you ever meet the woman of your dreams, please don't shut me out of your life". I looked at her, dumbfounded. She completely failed to see that she was it. I had the girl and now I've lost her and there's nothing I can do but to move on and forward. Who's to blame? I don't know. Is anyone? I don't know.

I feel emptier than I ever have before. This is a new form of pain for me. I do not know what this is like. At 45, I can truthfully say that I am frightened of something. I want to not care anymore. I want to not feel anymore. I want to be able to just go forward. At this moment, I feel crippled, angry and I want desperately to be able to walk away on my own from it.

How and why do you think I was able to write "She Is The Light"? Because she was.

And the hits just keep on comin'

I am haunted by these words:
"Apologies mean nothing when the damage is done
And you can't switch off my loving like you can't switch off the sun"

And even more potently:

"F-U-C-K: is that how you spell "friend" in your dictionary?"

I find it in my heart to question someone who calls you "friend" one moment, "partner" the next and in the aftermath from the end of a romantic cycle, sends you a text in which they seek your absolution. Are we in the world of the emotionally retarded or am I just prone to seeing everything in pure black and white?

Here are the facts: it ended. I heard and accepted that it was over from before the moment the words were uttered. That's all the criteria I need. I understand and absorb the English language well.

But don't text me (dear God, how it's finally come down to this--the impersonal and pointlessly cold manner in which we all conduct ourselves) and say "I'm sorry I disappointed you". Don't be so callous to say "I wish you happiness" and please, show some restraint and dignity: "...and that you don't hate me too much". Don't insult me like that. Pretend for a minute you had a modicum of respect for me.

I cared about this person; somewhere in my being, I'll always care about this person. But I find this action to be childish, shameful and pointless. I would much have preferred silence, at least for a while. Let the dust settle. Let time go by. Let whatever my wounds may have been heal. Don't be this self-serving. For once, it's not about you. This is about me. Me putting myself first again.

I am out of this before it went any further and I'll be grateful for that. This is not the "anger" phase, as most would expect after a break-up. This is me being shown the facts as they revealed themselves and sadly, me having to acknowledge them. As I have said so many times before, there was never any gun to my head. I could have very easily and quickly walked away from it at any time. I was told, I was warned, I was begged to not continue. And I didn't listen. So I share the culpability.

Let me move on and not pretend. That's all I ask. Should the fates decide that we reconnect someday as friends is one thing; just don't test me again--not now.

So Dear Madam Barnum: I resign as clown...

Higher priorities

It's one thing to work through the heartache of a misguided, fleeting romance. It's another thing, on a far greater scale to stop and think about something more important than yourself. It's the 9th anniversary of what I consider the most horrific day the world has seen in my lifetime. I cannot forget it; I will not forget it. And I will not overlook the brave and selfless men and women who have given their lives for this country since that day.

I also can't help but cry for the fact that this was my parents' wedding anniversary. They were wed in 1952 and remained married until the day my mother died in April, 1989. Now that my father is gone, they are together for the first time on their anniversary in Heaven. I miss them and I feel their loss in ways that I cannot put into words.

Mom & Dad, I love you. I hope you're happily reunited.

Fresh eyes, fresh perspectives

Two days on and I can see some clear facts: as much as I tried to convince myself that there was a possible future with the special one, I knew in reality we could never survive. We started out unexpectedly and took off instantly. There was never a learning curve, because truly, if you have a long-term plan, the learning curve includes being able to accept and understand your partner's shortcomings, flaws and idiosyncracies. I'm sorry to say that in my heart, I don't think either one of us was able to do that. I had my misgivings and frustrations; my raised eyebrow of skepticism and my inability to trust her completely because of certain things. She, in turn, found many of my own negatives and used them as her cause to end it.

Regardless, the outpouring of love and support from my family and friends has been staggering; it has to be said that with each passing day, the sadness diminishes and I start to think about the things that made me unhappy in the time we were together. It makes me feel good about having had the doubt. Nonetheless, it will never cloud the joy I felt for those three spectacular months.

So sad about us

It ended with the special someone today. It didn't end as I hoped it would--there were moments of tension and discomfort, but this is what I want to say:

I will always love her. I will look at our brief time together as one of the most beautiful experiences of my (adult) life. I will treasure the memory and the talks, the smiles, the joy, the true happiness I found while we were together. I wish and hope that she will be happy and loved and appreciated and that she finds what is looking for. She is and has always been an amazing woman. I will never regret our time. If I could have written the balance of the story, I would have written a truly happy continuation for us. I never said it to her, but I do love her and I will always love her; it's just now for the mists.

It seems, almost from the beginning, that it really couldn't sustain, so on I go.

Summer's closing and so is the book...

As I began to say in my last posting, the lyrics have been pouring onto paper: "Pull Down The Walls", "Take It Or Leave It", "Wooden Days", "Novelty" and "Things We Never Said" are now done. All that's left to do is start recording them. Add to that "She Is The Light" and you have half an album of all-new material. The thing is while "She Is The Light" is an open declaration of my love for the special someone, the other four songs represent where I feel we're heading which is to the end.

I can't seem to shake this physical malady and I can't shake the sadness that I've felt with this disconnect between us. It's there--I feel it--and I don't know if I have the wherewithal to fight for something that may not be worth fighting for. Real love is one thing but arbitrary love is another. I will not yield to being subservient in a relationship--if we are not equal, forget it. I can compromise with ease; I cannot kowtow. As loathe as I am to admit this here--but then again, I've come clean about many painful things in this blog--when I came home yesterday from what I consider to be a "weekend gone wrong", I cried for about half an hour trying to make sense of what suddenly has become so taxing and senseless.

So the biggest words in the world become my mantra of the moment: "we'll see". And right now, I don't feel there's any further that we can go; this may have been just a supernova and not a star for the ages.

Re-energized

Vacation week draws to a close and while I managed to pick up a dreadful summer cold in the process, all in all, I would rate this a success just by virtue of no phone calls or disturbances from the office. Time in my own space and my own head did me a lot of good. I spent a lot of time with the special one; all I can say is we had one day that was what I consider a gift from God. Seriously. I won't even try to explain it; the emotions ran higher and deeper than I could have imagined.

At the moment, I do feel a sense of the opposite; I feel like we reached a height and are now starting a downward spiral, albeit slowly. Maybe it's the fact that we were both tired and run down yesterday and this morning; maybe she's regained her fears--maybe I'm wrong and we aren't walking down the same path. No matter what, I'm truthfully sad right now and I can't talk to her about it because I need to make sure I have the right words in hand.

Yet, because of this somewhat negative turn, I started writing "Pull Down The Walls" and I'm nearly done. If it's because she's inspired me with this sadness, then so be it. I feel better for putting thoughts to paper and then to guitar, but I would prefer her inspiration to be felt from the joy she's injected into my life, not the turbulence her emotional changes wind up dragging me into.

Am I wrong? Probably. Do I know if there truly will be a happier outcome? I doubt it. I confess the doubt, but it's now there.